Bollywood's best kept Secret

by - December 04, 2006

They're back. After squandering their millions and the villa in the Cayman islands on Old Monk rum stocks, the investigative team of ButtCrack were left with no other option than to go back to what they do best - finding the truth which is out there. So, when rumors of Bollywood's most expensive movie being shot in hiding hit the air, it was only natural that ButtCrack sent a Crack team to get to the Bottom of this rumor ( fine, fine no more puns ). A lesson (mockery ?) in brilliant deductive and investigative journalism ensued [ which involved sleeping with the spot boy and doodh wala at the sets of the movie ] leading to them reaching their main goal - the first and only draft of the most expensive script in Bollywood history. The following script has not been modified in any way or form. This is all there is. Comments by the directors and producers have been left behind as well to add an unnatural authenticity. This script is being revealed to the public , just so that they know that there is hope in Bollywood. That, and the fact that, ButtCrack have an insane debt to repay and loan sharks after their asses . Sponsors please pay donations in ButtCrack holes and boxes left at various department stores and franchises..

The Budget : Rs 50 crores and 75 paise only ( just enough to beat DevDas )
The Script :
20 years back
In a land far, far away from Mumbai, a Dad and Mom view the chaos surrounding them in their land. People killing each other, red flags everywhere, dictatorship the ruling hand. They fear for their baby's safety and so even as their land disintegrates, they put the child of destiny onto a plane and watch him fly away while they die of food poisoning. The child travels unaided (due to rude airhostesses) and lands in a new civilization in a place called UAE. He is adopted by 2 Indian shopkeepers who are unaware of his tremendous powers or where he has come from.

TITLE GRAPHICS :
RAM SAVE US BROTHERS presents
SHAKTIMAAN aur Ganga Ki Daag

[ SHAKTIMAAN and Dirty Ganga ]
(Show actors names, but fill screen with directors and producers name in background)

20 years later ( Now )
Dubai, UAE
The boy is now a grown man. He is Kumar Kentillella. He works in a famous news channel , the Al Qaboos Times. He's the janitor there, but uses Armani jackets and wears lots of bling ( check with Tanishq for sponsorship .) Suddenly, a cake falls from the food tray and plummets down the 25 storey building. Kumar Kentillella goes faster than a speeding bullock cart off the window ( gravity assisted ) and saves it. Audience realises he's Shaktimaan. To celebrate, we have song 1.

Song 1 - He dances in full costume in garden with 20 micro mini clad village girls. Song to focus on how he's defender of Earth and adopted momma's boy. Show scenes of his bravery - stopping underage kids from watching adult movies, carrying the bags for masked robber who gets sprained back, fixing the kitchen sink etc.

CHANGE SCENE
MUMBAI, MAHARASHTRA

Evil foreign MNC head, Lux Lullaby ( make him rich and bald : maybe a squint too ), after firing secretary for serving coffee on tea day, has devised an evil scheme to sell his water purifier by dirtying India's most pure water source - the Ganges. But even though he's head of the MNC, he needs his friend from the circus to make the machine which will dump the gunk in the Ganges. The friend - ( description : very white face, long nose, green hair, purple coat, orange shirt - note : borrow from Govinda's wardrobe ) is a clown in his spare time while not making WMDs. His name - Jolly Tamashawalla. They reach an agreement.
The scene ends with both laughing at the skies.

SCENE CHANGE -
Dubai, UAE
Kentillella falls in love with the head of Al Quboos Times - the lovely Humus Lane. They bump into each other thrice in the office, keep blinking eyes. They meet in a big function , where both end up dancing on stage ( SONG 2 ) and singing love duets ( ask Rajshri ji for ideas for Antakshari tips; get Shakira and Ricky Martin to sing the duet ) while foreigners watching say 'WAH WAH' and speak in Punjabi. By the end of the dance, both are established lovers.

SCENE CHANGE -
Lux and Jolly make plans for THE CRAP MACHINE which will dirty the waters. Suddenly, when Lux asks for an extra paper at the dhaba to clean his hands after having batata vada ( collaborate with Kissan sauce ? ) , he finds on the paper the full details of SHAKTIMAAN, including where he is from and his weakness ( no need to explain how or where the paper came from – leave that for sequel. )
The scene ends with both laughing at the skies.

SCENE CHANGE -
Humus and Kumar go to India on company money for a tour, mainly to show the same yellow flower fields already seen before in many YC movies. There, they find dirt at the edge of the Ganges. Kumar with his binocular vision ( when he sees through binoculars, we call it binocular vision, when he sees through microscope, we call it.. ), sees Jolly Tamashawalla pouring cups of mud at the edges if the Ganges. (Build patriotic music to a frenzy ).. he rips off his clothes and ties BLUE lungi over red pyjamas ( let him wear his shirt around neck, so that it flies in the breeze ) and runs to stop JT. After almost beating Jt, Jt throws a translucent liquid on him. (Thunder in background ) Shaktimaan gets an allergic reaction and has to be taken to the hospital. The Dr tells him it's an allergic reaction and that it's from a substance from his long lost home land. The villian threw coconut water at Shaktimaan. It is revealed that Shaktimaan is actually from Kerala. The Dr says not to worry, there is still a way out inspite of this unfortunate plot twist.
On the other side, Jt calls Lux and tells him their plan was successful. The first half ends with both laughing at the skies.

INTERVAL.

POST INTERVAL -
Start with Flashback :
Parents and child walk out of theatre show of Neal and Nikki. Dad is a famous judge, who dances in streets in his spare time[ SONG 3]. Mom is a famous doctor and brain surgeon, who dances in big discos in micro minis when not on duty [ SONG 4 ]. They are celebrating their 5 year old child's birthday by taking him for a movie ( after dancing together celebrating their love for him in a strip bar [SONG 5 ] ). Suddenly, out rushes a goon who shoots both parents ( it turns out he thought the father was Uday Chopra : he had spent his life earnings to get balcony seats for the Neal n Nikki movie and was not impressed ). The scene ends with the child crying over his dead parents as the song they just danced to [SONG 5] now plays in slow motion.
End Flash back .

Present Day -
The boy is now the same Dr who has uncovered Shaktimaan’s problems. It’s his day job. By night, he is Bhatia Man, a masked DEFENDER OF THE WORLD. The symbol of the bat is on his chest - a reminder of his old fear for the cricket bat which smashed a 100 runs of his no-ball filled over as a child. ) He is a millionaire as a doc, but does some street fighting for pocket money and also dances in pubs after that [ SONG 6]. Bhatia Man takes ShaktiMaan to his Bhatia Cave, where they bond with each other as his servant, Al-Fred, serves Romanov ( ask Mallya for collaboration ) till both get stone drunk.

Scene Change -
Lux and Jt come to the hospital to kill Shaktimaan. Of course, Humus Lane, is still waiting in the room having taken karva chauth, and wondering what's keeping Shaktimaan so long. On seeing Jt, Humus realises she's in trouble and runs past him, down 10 flights of stairs, into a taxi to an undisclosed location, enters a high security building, goes to top floor, enters flat, locks door, padlock, number lock, retinal scan lock. Then turns and sees Lux and Jt sitting in a chair in the same room ( Jt sitting on Lux's lap since it's the same chair. )End scene with both laughing at the roof.

Scene Change -
Bhatia Man and Shaktiman realise what has happened when they see the karva chauth tray still there in room, then go about beating everyone they find who looks like a goon. They finally reach Lux's old office. There seems no way to follow the trail from there. But not to worry. Bhatia man takes out an 'old print understandifier' spray from his USEFULITY belt and sprays it on the printer. It reveals that the last print was of the step by step plan of the evil villians. But the plan itself cannot be revealed since the spray gets shot by the last goon before he dies, laughing. Bhatia man is lost. But Shaktimaan comes to the rescue. He takes a pencil and starts shading the next page in the printer machine. And Lo! And behold ! The 20 step plot of the villians is revealed. The whole MNC office stands and claps this brilliant deduction skills.
Shaktimaan decides to fly to Ganges to save it. But Bhatia man stops him and tells him there is one more place to visit.

Scene Change -
Humus hands are tied to metal poles, which are planted firmly in the middle of the Ganges. There is a dynamite packet on her head, with colourful Leds ( predominantly green, to allow for Pakistani connection ). Lux and Jt wanted to on the CRAP Machine, but due to power cuts, have to wait. To waste time, they look at the sky and laugh again. Since Humus finds this boring, she decides to dance for them. So, with hands tied to huge poles, in the middle of the Ganges, she starts dancing , moving back and forth on the poles ( atleast 3 dress changes in between mandatory ). Lux and Jt also tie themselves to poles, come into the Ganges and join her as do the other goons who have assembled.
End song with everyone looking at the sky and laughing.

Trumpet blow -
Shaktimaan and Bhatia man arrive at the scene. All the goons miraculously reach the shore instantly. Lux runs to Crap Machine.

100 goons come running towards the two superheroes. Shaktimaan freezes half with his puttu 'n 'fish curry breath. 45 year old Bhatia man jumps on the others one at a time, dodging all the bullets even though he's a km away when they start shooting. He then takes shield from his USEFULity belt and blocks 10 rockets shot at him from a rocket launcher. Jolly Tamashawala fires a cannon which happens to be lying around the edge of the Ganges. Bhatia man takes Hand kerchief from USEFULity belt, winds it into a catapult and sends the cannon ball back to Jolly. Boom !!! End of Jolly.

Lux cannot reach the CRAP machine in time. Shaktimaan breaks it with one sneeze. Lux laughs, then points at Humus and the bombs. Shakti maan uses his eyes rays ( to graphics editor : make it saffron-white and green with blue balls in middle line , have JANA GANA MANA playing while the rays slowly travel for 52 seconds till song ends). The rays go, disable the bombs accurately, cutting the green wire ( Pakistani ) while leaving the saffron-white-and-green wires intact. The rays also off Leds to conserve energy.

Lux has a final trick up his sleeve. He takes out the dreaded coconut water. While Shaktimaan stands with hands on hips ( posing for Vip underwear - confirm collaboration ), Lux throws water on him. Shaktimaan just smiles. Lux is shocked. How can this be, he asks. How, indeed ?
Flash back - when Shaktimaan was about to fly to Ganges, Bhatia man stopped him and took him to a place. It belonged to a part time failed Bollywood stars coaching guru, part time astrologer - the wheel chair bound Taklu Langde Wala. TLW checked Shakti Maan's kundli and horoscope and decided he should add an extra K in his name, then all his weakness and worries would disappear. Shaktimaan did as he was told and became ShakKtimaan. Thus, he was now immune to the dreaded coconut water of his home land. END FLASHBACK.

Shakktimaan beats up Lux till he falls on the lap of his Maa ( NirMaa) who suddenly appears there, pleading for mercy. The police also arrive and hand cuff him and take him away as NirMaa denounces him and proclaims that from this day on, ShakktiMaan will be her son. ShakktiMaan and Bhatia Man look at the sky and laugh.
Maa and children walk off.

THE END

P.S. Leave Humus in middle of Ganges itself so that there's a chance for a sequel. And also, to explain why the same actress won’t be there in PART 2. ( Real reason - her stint in casting couch is over : P.P.S - release MMS a month before movie release.)

END with Himesh Reshammiya song in pub with Shakti Maan, Lux, Jolly and Bhatia MAN grooving beside him.

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13 comments

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. lol..hilarious

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  3. loving it!!! :))

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. havent read smething this good for a long while.... u havent lost touch with ur talents.... i still remember the story u wrote for the MCB class.... (remember? we were teamed up for that in Pramila mam's class). :)

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  6. Haha..of course I remember.. sheesh. Didnt think anyone else would remember though.. met Premila and Sugeetha madam recently at a wedding.Stil the same, only more older ( a more ma'am-ish look ) :)

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  7. Oh my god.... it was great....:D
    How come i did't read it till now.

    Great super work.... loved it. :D

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  8. Thanks Shweta.. still awaiting funds for the movie though :D Who do you think I should get to play the villain.. after all, it will be my double role as the heroes :)

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  9. You sir,are a genius. What an outstanding article.All hail,all hail.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Deepak :) I wonder when DC comics will come by to pick up the script for the next movie :D

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    2. Haha...If they do read this,it wouldn't be too long I presume.Also,I bet they would want the scriptwriter to come along too.

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    3. you kidding.. if they even hint at that, I'll be using my degrees as jet fuel for their planes as I head on over :D

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