You think You know me ?

by - January 06, 2007

We all, at some level or the other, suffer from OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. That's my belief. Or atleast that's my justification for some of the stunts I pull. While the name is self-explanatory, the boundaries are not so well defined, I feel. Because it doesn't just stop at constantly checking to see if you locked the door or to keep washing your hands. It extends across a far larger realm, into areas of our lives we never considered. The superstitious beliefs we need to do for our own confidence, the song we just have to listen to to get pumped up..even the simple "touchwood" can become a contagious OCD, can't it ? And it's not a 'forever' symptom either, now. It may just be the need of the moment, a nagging feeling to just keep doing something, even though there seems to be no rationale or motivation.Of course, for me, presently, it's a far lesser compulsion...but an annoying one nonetheless. I keep wanting to modify my damn ORKUT PROFILE !!!! I want to add more crap to the already glowing tribute I'm giving myself. So I got around to thinking and I decided I'll just put down my actual profile here and be done with it once and for all. Atleast while the compulsion still exists.So,in all humbleness, here's the "DIRECTOR'S CUT" Orkut profile about me.


  • Neo-scientists claim I am the reason gravity exists, that the Earth is not invaded by evil aliens and the chicken crossed the road too.
  • I had, in my notebook, the True meaning of Life, the solution to global warming and God's plan for us all, but my dog ate my homework.
  • Stephen Hawking, Gandalf the White and Anne Hathaway have me on speed dial.
  • I am the President of a little known, but highly influential East European country.
  • I have won "Who wants to be a Millionaire", "Survivor", "Roadies" and the online Ludo tournament - all in the same year.
  • It was I who conned the Monk into selling his Ferrari and MOVED HIS CHEESE too while he was signing the release forms.
  • World War 2 lasted so long because I was abducted by aliens from '38- '44 who tried, in vain, to extract my recipe for banana cheese cake.
  • I have seen the Tooth fairy, the Vulcans, the Abominable Snowman, the Loch Ness Monster and George Bush's brain scan reports- yes, the last one is, indeed, a hoax.
  • Anjelina Jolie wants to "ADD ME AS A FRIEND" in Orkut, but is scared the "truth will come out" and Brad wouldn't understand. Prick.
  • I can kung fu a Shaolin master and marinate a white goose at the same time.
  • I have done the salsa with 2 feet tied behind my back and given the Hulk a giant wedgie which turned him blue and bonny.
  • In the North Pole, people dress up as me during Christmas while in Egypt, figurines portraying me being worshipped have been discovered during archaelogical excavations.
  • Several paraphenomenon experts have tried, and failed, to decipher my unique aura.
  • I taught Linda Goodman to read star signs, Hulk Hogan to tear his top, Kenny G to sax, salmons to swim upstream and Aishwarya Rai to act - it is true, you can't win them all.
  • In my spare time, I practise neuro surgery on world leaders while adoring belly dancers applaud.On alternate Tuesdays, I teach the visually impaired how to navigate a plane or space shuttle using only a compass and a Bounty chocolate wrapper.
  • Oprah Winfrey respects my views and frames my quotes on her nightstand.
  • I get 74 different channels on my crystal ball, 133 when Pluto is properly aligned.
  • My first childhood tricycle is used as a blueprint for the show "Pimp my ride."
  • I have been implicated in the murders of many gun wielding terrorists, baby seal killers and pot bellied Indian politicians but charges have been dropped each and every time due to overwhelming public support and SMS campaigns.
  • I taught the Chinese to use chop sticks, the Cubans to roll cigars and kangaroos to carry their kids in their pouches.
  • Tigers fear my gaze, cheetahs slow down to let me pass and butterflies envy my dressing sense.
  • My birthday is celebrated as a national holiday in India. It is.
  • I predicted the fall of the Roman empire, the enlightenment of King Asoka and the success of Smirnoff twists.
  • 4 week fairness Creams need only 2 weeks for maximal effect on my skin and just 1 week if I start on Wednesdays.
  • I adviced DREAMWORKS to change the title of the movie from "Big Fat Green Bellied Ugly Man-thing" to "Shrek" to bring in the kids.
  • Stephen King and Ayn Rand rummage through my diary for inspiration.
  • Underwater creatures respond to my verbal command.
  • I give my laundry to the same people as Spiderman, Margaret Thatcher, Sponge Bob and Puff Daddy. I get first preference and the better soap.
  • I like to move it move it, I like to move it move it, I like to.... MOVE IT !!
  • Darwin's footnotes speak of me as the most evolved state of mankind.
  • I know the ending of the Harry Potter series. Two words : Hollow victory.
  • I ghost-direct for Steven Speilberg, ghost-sing for Phil Collins, ghost-act for Sir Anthony Hopkins and was the Ghost of Christmas Past for Ebeneezer Scrooge.
  • And, finally, Yes, Self-help and motivational books DO speak of the importance of being my friend in their 7-step "Quick Route to Nirvana & Enlightenment" scheme.
Whew!! It is such a relief to get that off my chest. They're right, you know. THE TRUTH DOES SET YOU FREE!! So much better than 25/M/INDIA.
P.S. While these are my own variations, I cannot deny that I was inspired by an absolutely lovely article called "THE WONDER YEARS" that I read more than half a decade ago which was the first story, I believe, in "Chicken Soup for the College Soul" ( I'm 80 % sure it was College soul. If anyone knows any different, feel free to correct me. Like I care. ).Anyway, if you get a chance, do read that article. Till then..well, don't you wanna attain Nirvana & Enlightenment ?

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5 comments

  1. :O :O

    i hve to agree that u have OCD !! haha! so!thats how ur orkut profile shud be! coool! i couldnt help but laugh out aloud while reading few of the points especially "George Bush's brain scan reports- yes, the last one is, indeed, a hoax."haha!if i reply to each of the points my coment would be longer than ur post :D :D so here i stop!

    ...it was a cool one anyways! and i guess i dont wanna attain Nirvana and enlightenment!!haha!

    Take Care!

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  2. that was an awesome post..!!!i cannot stop laughing..!!

    It was I who conned the Monk into selling his Ferrari and MOVED HIS CHEESE too while he was signing the release forms.
    that point was pure gold..!!lol..

    ReplyDelete
  3. @Shammu, thanx for confirming the diagnosis.

    @lemonade, Thanx. I aim to please!! Besides, Im just being honest. Since when is that a crime?? :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. thats a jem of a post for it being funny (and true of course ;).

    ReplyDelete
  5. @rejoy,
    the last 4 words saved u from blasphemy!!!! :D

    ReplyDelete

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