Tabloid February

by - February 28, 2007

Bon jour, Monsieur and Mademoiselle and welcome to ze Tabloid le February. Please have ae seat while I show you ze menu which includez a wide cuisine, ranging from ze Inzian saffrons to ze Chinese pandas to ze baldy pop stars. So do enjoy.

GO RETRO : More than Valentines, the one thing that seems
assured every February in India is the presence of 'the moral brigade' to ensure the sanctity of Mother India is preserved, even if it means beating up lovers, darkening their faces or breaking gift shops. Their main claim is we 'kids' are going modern and forgetting our traditional values. And you know what ? They're right . We've been bad bad boys and girls. I vote we go back to the olden ways. Let's see, that means :

  • getting to keep more than 5 wives,
  • 5 guys sharing one girl just because mommy says to do so by mistake,
  • steal girls clothes while they're bathing and demand they come out and parade naked ,
  • pawn our wife away on a game of dice along with dad's entire house and land..
  • ooh, and don't forget, when all the years of wine and deer meat finally clog those arteries and we pass on, all the wives can give up theirs too by jumping into our funeral fire.. yeah !!
Let's maintain our traditions, guys. So much more respectful than those shameless cards and blasphemous flowers, huh ? Stupid saffron Sainik schmucks ! ( hey, that's alliteration. A regular poet am I. Rap album, anyone ? )
SHOW ME THE MONEY : Now, you want to know love. Ask Jasin Boland. This photographer went ahead and gave his girlfriend a 495,000 pound house.. gift wrapped !!! Gift wrapped, for crying out loud !! And she's not even his wife, yet ! Boy, I bet she can hardly wait to see her wedding anniversary gift from the guy.. can you gift wrap an island ? But seeing this guy's love and dedication brought 2 questions to my mind - what kind of photos do you take that allow you to buy and wrap a house ( see in pic ) and more importantly - girls, what did your successful guy / hunk give you this Valentines Day ? Doesn't it feel tremendously cheap right about now ? Don't you feel like just catching his neck, throwing away his cheap wilted flowers and sraming that gift down his throat, demanding he too buy you a villa by the shore ? For starters!!! ( Yes, I do enjoy playing Cupid !! How did you guess ? )
MY BUDDY RAY : A complaint I get a lot is that I hardly include personal things and friends in my blog. So here goes. My best friend is Raymond Snouffer Jr. Yup, Snouffer. Of course, he probably doesn't know it yet, though I plan to email the hell out of him, stalk him and then, maybe, get nasty till he agrees to be my buddy. You see, Snouffs ( only close friends can call him that so you stick to Raymond Snouffer Jr ) won the $ 25,000 lottery at odds of 170,000 to 1. Big deal, you say ? Well, that was on Saturday. Snouffs tried again the next day and guess what ? He won again !!! The odds are incalculable, naturally. I figure if I'm around him, some of that good luck jam should get smeared in my butter roll of life. But anyway, while Snouffs and I jet ski in the Alps this March and sip Chateau a la Tang , I hope you .. people carry on with yer menial labour. Hmm..Meanwhile, I gotta figure out two things - what school his kids study in & where can I get some good duct tape ? Any ideas ?

ANIMAL PLANET : Of course, for those of you with lesser luck, there are other ways. Just ask the Los Angeles Zoo. They're paying 4.7 million dollars to feng shui a monkey cage. The idea is, of course, to soothen the monkeys lives. So we'll be having fountains added on to calm their harsh energy and relieve their stress. Relieve their stress ?? What's a monkey stressed about ? Is someone sneaking them the daily newspaper that they should worry about the end of the world and the Ebola virus ? Besides, rather than feng shui them, wouldn't a good vodka with a banana twist have been more feasible ?
Of course, it's still a tie in the 'ridiculous zoo' category - the other one was the zoo in Asia that was getting the pandas sex tapes to get them horny !! Seriously, can you imagine the poor sop who has to make that call to the video store ? Umm.. uhh. I'd like a umm.. sex tape. No, no. Not one night in Paris.. do you have anything with umm.. pandas in it ? Hello ? Hello ? Wow. Free f- tapes and fountains and food and feng shui - hmmm, who's the most intelligent species on Earth again ? Mom, I think these animals are making a monkey out of us again.
Then again, if you don't make them happy, they can really have their way with you. A turtle, fed on a diet of brussel sprouts in the Sea Life Centre in Weymouth, UK got fed up of the cuisine and took matters into it's own..butt, ending up setting off the fire alarm. How ? Ya, you guessed it. The turtle's flatulence' bubbles raised the water levels high enough to raise the alarm. Who said, green veggies are good for you ?
Of course, those marine biologists were more lucky than the scientists at the University of Jena's Institute of Systematic Zoology and Evolutionary Biology. They tried for 3 years to make a sloth move on it's own. Their end result - neither cucumber nor spaghetti could make Mats move. And these are German scientists !! Boy, when they can't do it, noone can. Hitler must be rolling in his grave, seeing how the mighty have fallen. When a sloth can make an ass out of renowned human scientists, you have to wonder...

M.D. C.R.A.P : How many of you want to have those little six month courses, just to add a few alphabets in your resume ? Well, head to Malaysia, my friend. For coming soon, in some of their colleges, is a course that'll have you by the seat of your pants. Literally. You see, it's a course on how to use public toilets in Malaysia. Of course, it ain't all fun and games as you have to know your soaps & tissue papers and how to differentiate one from the other. Man, I'd probably need a chit for that one ! And what about homework, I wonder ? Still, I can't help but wonder how many of those graduating students will actually have the guts to add in their resume " I learned how to shit in college." ( teacher's note - needed two attempts, but has got the hang of it now. )

NOT GUILTY : A degree sure would help ol' Nicole Ritchie ( former gal pal of Paris 'Nippy Slippy' Hilton ). She pleaded NOT GUILTY to 'driving under the influence'. Just to get you up to date, she had earlier confessed to the arresting officer of not only being drunk, but also 'weeded' out after being caught for driving on the WRONG SIDE of the freeway in L.A. So what about that confession ? Well, I'm guessing she's gonna have that struck down from the records. How ? Duhhh!! B-cause she was 'DRUNK AND DOPED' at the time of confessing so HOW COULD SHE POSSIBLY HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT SHE WAS SAYING !?!!! Hera, help me! ( c'mon, comic freaks, who says that ?. C'mon. )
Seriously, you shouldn' be putting her behind bars.. then who'll 'Bald Eagle' Britney have for competition in the 'absolute dimwit' category, 2007 ? She of course, decided to just go ahead and be bald one fine morning.. I guess she wanted to ensure there was no skin left unseen by mankind, huh ? Either that or she decided to pretend to be both daddy and mommy to her kids. ( balding, drunk, no job, last song sucked - yup, that's Kevin Federline alright ). Anyhoooo, last heard, she's into rehab for the 3rd time in a week. Why, Brits, why.. you're doing just fine. All you need is a walking hand and a Frankenstein costume / too much botox & you can be the ADDAMS FAMILY all by yourself !!!!

ARMED AND BRAINLESS : Then again, maybe it won't be that lonely a category. The SWAT team sent to Walhalla will look to compete for the same prize. They were sent to arrest a guy who'd allegedly fired a gun in his residence. They 'surrounded' the house and started warning him to come out via the police car loudspeaker. The suspect did not respond so the SWAT team braved the cold winds and waited for 4 hours giving him warnings and trying to reason with him on the benefits of surrendering. Finally, 4 hours later, a second SWAT team, called in for backup, 'went around the back of the house' and found him there on the porch, SLEEPING ON A CHAIR. The guy had been sleeping in his chair all afternoon and had no idea what was going on !!! Sure, they got the guy but makes you wonder, though.. this is the elite crime fighting team of the world ??? Oh boy. We're doomed.

Since this is gonna be the last TABLOID for a while, there will be an added supplement this time, for your reading pleasure.. the INANE TRIVIA & HOW TO USE IT section. Have a nice read guys. I've left the older archives of Tabloids here too, just so you know that there is always something to smile about in this world.
Tabloid January
Tabloid December
Tabloid November

Till we meet again, be good and fight the good fight. This is Roshan signing off.

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  1. the tabloid idea is groovy. An excuse for the occasional post per month.

    And "going retro" rates high on the sarcastic awards. Those self designated moral police need all the thrashing they can get. Keep those words coming

  2. Thanx rejoy.. that was the whole point, both on the taboid and the retro bits


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