I need you to know, my child...

Dr Roshan Radhakrishnan

This was the checklist I had for you, my child.

10. I’m gonna live long enough to see your kids... even if it kills me waiting.

09. I’m gonna be the last one you hug before leaving after getting married.

08. I’m gonna pretend to be angry when you finally tell me you’re in love with a boy... but we both know you’re telling me because “we” need to convince your dad.

07. I will be the one you call when your friends are behaving like bitches. I’ll convince you they ain’t bitches. They’re ‘hos. ( I’ll explain that term to you once you turn 15  17 21 )

06. I will not cry when you say you wanna go to the mall with your friends instead of me. But don’t look at me if I accidentally iron a hole in your favourite t-shirt.  Hey, you’re the one who wants to give up the ‘old stuff’ for ‘new kids.’ I mean stuff... new stuff.

05. You will be the white flag of truce I use whenever your dad and I get into a fight.. There goes your social life, kiddo.

04. I will train you to rat out your elder sister whenever she tries to fool me. Beware. She’s a smart cookie. But we’re smarter, right ? Right !

03. I will not cry when I see you crying cause you’re hurt. But if I do, I hope you’ll comfort me. I may need it.

02. I will spend every minute after your dad leaves for work doing only thing : teaching you to say “MAMA.”  So help me God, if you say ‘DADA’ before ‘MAMA’, there’s gonna be hell to pay. Not for you, sweetie. I’m talking to God.

01. I will crib about how your crying keeps me awake all night. But I will spend the whole night worrying if I don’t hear your voice either. You’ll understand this when we reach point number 10 above and call me in the middle of the night asking if you were as big a pain in the ass as my grandkids are.

Of all the things in this list, the one thing I never expected to be cutting off were the words at the top of our list. Your name.

They tell me you were dead before you were born. They would know. They’re doctors. We have to believe them, you and I.
But I’m your mother. And I need you to know some things too.
I loved you. The very moment I knew you were inside of me, I fell in love with you. It didn’t matter to me whether you were a boy or a girl, a kicker or a fat baby, whether you’d end up a loafer or a scholar... I would have loved you unconditionally. I had our lives planned out the moment I heard of you, as you can see.
I dreamt of what you would look like, how you’d feel beside me, how cute you’d look asleep. I looked forward to showing you off to everyone, dressing you up, feeding you flying rice balls like my mother used to, picking you up from school and sitting beside you watching cartoons. I wanted to be the first voice you woke up to and the last voice you heard before you slept.
  I needed to tell you this because no matter what anyone says, the truth is, for this brief period in time, you were a part of me. And I need you to realise that, having dreamt a life with you in it, now I feel, both physically and emotionally, that I’ve lost a part of myself. And the thought of not having you in my life is destroying me more than I could tell you.
Yours forever,

Author’s note : 
You know who you are. This post is dedicated to you and the child you lost before you even knew him/her. And it hurts to feel your pain.
You have been a big part of my life during my school days and I have often admitted openly that you have played a major role in helping me become who I am today, just by being you when I was (am still) a dork. Distance and time doesn’t change the fact that you’re one of the few people I’d trust openly with my heart any day of the year. I need you to know that there is a reason for everything. No words can heal this pain right now. This post was never meant to try to heal you – it was to remind you of who you are :- a loving, caring, mischievous, wonderful person who must not allow this to overcome you.
You may have lost someone you wanted to love. But have you considered the reverse : that child was blessed because s/he spent her entire life knowing she was loved ?

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Let me know what you think.

  1. Your list makes miss the child I never had. Its nice.

    The note I didn't quite get. Guess its not for me so does not matter. But nice one

  2. :)

    love ya for this post doctor.... :) may only good things come to her, hereafter...

  3. hallo mr. pythoroshan ,

    thankal-kku enno ormayundo?

    nammal munpu parijayappettirunnu.

    appol thankalude oru photo latest ayachu tharamennu paranjhirunnu, thankal athu marannu kanum, enkilum njhanippol veendun ormippickunnu, thankalude oru latest photo ethrayum pettennu ayachu tharanamennu ormipikkunnu ente agraham niravettan thankal sramickumennu karuthatte

  4. Varsha, I hope so.

    Ratzz, thats what I pray for too...

    Joe, sorry man. I really don't remember.

  5. Sometimes, I wonder, that we know the grief of those who are still on Earth; but, little we know of their grief who had to abandon us? We find condolences here, but who cares for them there? If a parent worries, She may call to know her child is doing fine, but what happens when they decide to leave; where do we call to know that the person has reached there safely?

    Why don't we have answers to these... I wonder

  6. Touching. . Really made me think about so many things. . So did your previous post. .
    How come such serious and thought provoking posts these days??

  7. Dear Roshan,
    Good Morning!
    By the end,my eyes are moist.
    The true and lovely dedication to your friend at the right time.
    Emotions make me stop here.
    Heartfelt words from a loving heart!
    God Bless You!

  8. Ankita, never really dwelled on the topic much myself, frankly...

    Rohan, just a coincidence. This one was personal... a friend I care about deeply is hurting and well, this is the only way I know to comfort people.. my words.

    Anu, thank you. This time, I'll let God's blessings pass on to my friend. I don't need them today...

  9. :-( and when I read it happened to someone from school.. I guess maybe I knew that someone... so :((((
    I just hope she gets over it soon...

  10. At some stage in ur life, you probably have known her, Meety..
    As for the latter part of it, I hope so too.

  11. Dear Roshan,
    Just now I had a phone call.So sad;this happened to the young doctor couple.The first angel of their life;after the comfortable complete duration.
    Still why?
    The shattered dreams and the lost smiles........
    Time and only time will heal the deep wounds.Scars will be left.Stil,God will give strength to move on...
    I must be normal to make a call...
    God knows better and I have stopped asking qts.
    God Bless Them All.''A Mother Is A Picture Of God's Love''.
    I hope your friend is getting back to track.
    Wishing you a prayful Sunday,

  12. Wonderful post Radha...

  13. Subu, Mad.. thank you.

    Anu, thanks for the words.. I hope so too.

  14. I've never had tears in my eyes while reading a post.. before this one.
    May God give strength to the couple to believe it was for the best.

  15. Very moving post.


  16. Once again, you almost pulled out a tear.

    No one expresses relationships and love as good as you Doc..

  17. Nisha, indeed. That is the thopught of the moment.

    Nilu, Quakeboy.. thanks.

  18. Very nice flow.Good article
    Very nice flow.Good article
    Very nice flow.Good article
    Very nice flow.Good article
    Very nice flow.Good article
    Very nice flow.Good article
    Very nice flow.Good article

  19. Lovely article.. Forgot ur link all these days...so have so many posts to read now :)

  20. Couldn't read the final note, doc. These bloody tears

  21. Sumana, go right ahead...

    Chandu... :l

  22. Thank you, for this. From the bottom of my heart, you have done for her, what I couldn't!! Beautifully written. She is lucky to have friends like you.

    I guess you know its her sister writing this! Thanx.

  23. This post just made me a bigger fan of yours Roshan*As if that was possible...but it has become*
    I smiles through the ten pointers....almost making a mental note of the points to tell them to Seeya...
    And then I cringed at what you wrote post that...
    For it reflected what I went through personally...

    If this helps your friend...please let her know that it is painful but then there is still a beautiful dream waiting to come true...
    I lost a child also...
    N it killed something in me...
    But then god had bigger plans for me...
    And here I am from there...

    I wish your friend all the very best...

    N I soooooooooo loved the post...n soooooooooo love the way you express things...
    Now before I go...are there any siblings who’d be actually hearing those pointers from a great dad like you?:-)

  24. Meena, thanks.. that means a lot coming from you. :)

    Suruchi, again, thanks.. this time because it will definitely mean a lot to her.. as for the last line, well, if ur wondering if i have a brat pack, no, still a few steps behind... haven't fooled a woman into marrying me yet :)

  25. Whoa women...
    Wake up...don't let this one pass;-)

  26. spread the word....
    no seriously, spread the word !! with photos.. and dont forget to tell them i can sing and dance too :D

  27. I read this post sometime back, when I got to know Doc. on twitter. But I did not get a chance to comment then!

    Doc, it is the best piece of written work I have ever read, when it comes to emotions!

    And well to the child that never saw this world:

    Kid, I hope you are coming back soon!

  28. I saw a little cute baby girl, when I was reading. Can't explain how much this has rattled me; Don't know how in this same world; people are killing their unborn daughters.

    This saddens even more.

  29. ankit, thanks man. Glad then that i chose this post for some of my best work. Happy to hear that.

    Bisht, you're mistaken, my friend. It wasn't about killing unborn kids out of choice.. It is when you dont have the choice... When the child cant survive within the mother but runs the risk of killing the mother too. Thats the trauma my friend had to pass through.. And its a burden u never wish on any woman

  30. Oh my... this was the last thing I needed to read on a morning when I miss Mom awfully. I have no words.

  31. And the child keeps returning.. to read it all over again. Again and again.

  32. Deboshree, sorry abt that... hope u got in touch with her.

    Ankita, How I wish were that simple.. that we could revisit moments in our life.. do things differently.

  33. A hug to the person you wrote it for. And a hug to you for writing this.

    That's all I can say right now... My prayers are with her.

  34. Thanks ..every wish, every good thought counts..

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  36. Wat a joke dis is...people kill gal child n abort unwanted kids and people who really want them r kept hoping and wishing...and worst cruelty is wen people lose their kids in the 7th or 9th month or like ur friend..so much of grief aftr attaching and waiting impatiently to have the child in their arms..cud absolutely relate...one of my cousins aftr conceiving aftr 6-7 yrs of marriage lost the child in 7th month and another cousin lost her first aftr completin full term, 9months just a day before she was to get admitted ...both hav two kids each and are happy! But the grief of the first still stays..

    1. i know how heart breaking it is... have watched several women break down in the operation theatre during the procedure for removal... and yes, those idiots who abort because they dont want a girl child will never know the pain and suffering of people who yearn for a child.

  37. Awesome narration Roshan..the child would indeed feel loved aftr knowing dat he/she was loved so much

    1. I sure hope so.. on a brighter note, the mom is now the mother of a healthy one year old boy as well :)

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