I can hold this secret no longer. 
It is time you all knew who I really was. Or am. Or am about to become.
I know you will hold my secret dear, my fellow readers. The safety of the world depends on it, after all.
You see, I am not just the Doc or Roshan or His Highness the Sultan of Blogpuri III. Those are just names I use in public to hide my true identity.
Do you know who I really am ?  
I am Spiderman. 
Or Batman. I'm not really sure yet. 
I'll let you know before this blogpost is over.
The important thing is, I now share the most fundamental aspect of the two superheroes - their origins. Allow me to explain further.

A few days ago, I woke up as I usually do at 6am and began my daily routine which starts with a toothbrush in my mouth and ends with my head full of shampoo as I do the funky-chicken dance ( Have you ever showered in freezing cold water in the morning ? Then believe me, you've done it too.

I came out of the shower and turned on the tv, while putting on my shirt. My eyes still glued on the television, I had one leg in my pants when the most wtf thing happened. I felt something graze my thigh... and a bat flew out of the pants [ insert 'Boy! It really has been a long time since you had sex'/ 'must have been a fruit bat' joke here ]

To say I was stunned would be an understatement. My doors are traditionally locked and there was no logical way that a bat got in. It was huge - like a small calf or a baby tiger or a - oh wait, I'm showing you all the picture. Okay fine, it was a baby bat, smaller than my palm ( which,by the by, is the size of a small calf... or a baby tiger. )

Anyway, even as it struggled back up from the ground, I became aware of another presence - a long legged one - in the room. No, not Anne Hatheway, but a damn huntsman spider ! For those of you who don't know, it's a very common, very creepy, fast moving spider. ( I'm not putting a photo. Here's a video on Youtube to get familiar with it. ) And believe me - this guy was running fast and furious !

Between using my pant as a nunchaku BruceLee-style and doing my best to stop myself from screaming like a little girl, I somehow managed to drive the bat out a window I opened. The spider retreated to the top corner of the room, away from my grasp... just sitting patiently, biding it's time while I scurried off to work. When I came back, it was gone... but so was my large Pringles BBQ flavour chips. ( B***h ! That was my last packet too. ) If I do end up filing a robbery complaint, I'm gonna say it stole my Rolex too. Back me up, okay ?

Anyway, you see, my dilemma. Bruce Wayne became Batman after being scared by a huge bat while Peter Parker got bitten by a spider. I, my friends, face the opposite conundrum. I was molested  grazed by a bat and scared by a huge spider. It is only a matter of time before my true calling as a superhero kicks in. Unlike those two, I must choose a mixture of both my origins. 

So if, in the days to come, you start hearing tales of a vigilante masked hero with a flowing polka dotted cape saving people in Kerala or hear the ominous sound of a Bat-rickshaw blazing chugging through your street, fear not, my children - I do it so you may rest in peace sleep in peace. 

You need not fear anymore. For nothing can stop this new superhero. No arch enemies ( Vegetarian Man, SaasBahuSerial Girl ), no weapons of mass destruction ( exercise machines, diet colas ), no evil plan can stop me from saving... oh ya, I won't be working on hartals. The roads will not be safe for my Bat-rickshaw and it's scary swinging from one coconut tree to another. You never know when a coconut will fall on your head. Worse still if I'm hanging upside down when it falls.
But besides that, you can now begin to lead a normal life while I selflessly sacrifice mine for you. Because that's what a great comic book movie once told me. "With great power comes great responsibility."
Who am I ? I am the SpiderButtBat !!

P.S. Sigh. I never get to lead a normal life. If Assange were to hack God's files, he'd find me listed under 'chubby Indian guinea pig.' I kid you not.

P.P.S. For those of you wondering whether the bat-graze has any risk, don't worry, it's been a few days and I've yet to develop any weird symptoms. It is a little difficult typing on a laptop while hanging upside down from the curtain rod, but I'm getting used to it.


Kshipra said…
Hello Mr. Bat/Spider Man.
You would be of great help to us little minions, you know!
Swing by or fly by for a drink at our place, so that we can discuss this corruption matter with you (?) Our comrade, Mr. Anna is falling, he could use some help?

Hahahha, okay, that was lame.
But nice post! :)
Anonymous said…
I imagined you coming upside down on a patient from the ceiling to take his pulse and scaring the shit out of him. Then you crawled on the ceiling towards the next patient and so on.
Do you come to kids birthday parties? :P
p.s. Why is there no option to enter just my name and URL when I write a comment?
ROFL...! good one Spidu! Hanging upside down from curtain rod.. well if it is a surgery curtain then ooh no! to the patient! LOL at being molested by a bat...! But now you have scared me. Henceforth before putting on a dress I will check for hidden baby bats !
Roshan said…
It's SpiderButtBat.. I wanna be original, you see !
As for corruption, gee.. I dont know. Its a long drive from Kerala to Delhi in the Bat-Rickshaw. Could you sponsor the diesel ( Sigh.. Batman never had this problem ! :( )
Roshan said…
Hey, thats not a bad idea. I should do that. But wouldnt my hanging stethoscope ( avoid 'if you know what I mean' jokes ) give me away while I go across the ceiling ?
And yes, I do kids parties - I make awesome balloons and will also bring my pet dog too, if necessary.

As for the name thingy, everytime I undo it, I get spammed on old posts with gibberish comments... any solutions ?

Roshan said…
you have no idea how scary it is.. I know what Batman went through.. we are now officially chaddi-buddies thanks to our shared experience.
Sumana said…
Haha..Super :)
Nisha said…
SpiderButtBat - That could be an original 'Harry Potter' from India. Start working on it!!! :)
$$ said…
hahah... next time my son refuses to eat, I will tell this story, "if u finish this, i will get you spider-butt-bat's underwear! but, only if u finish eating this...!!"
Roshan said…
Thanks.. SpiderButtBat needs all the applause he can get.. he prefers money too !
Roshan said…
I would if I had the free time.. believe me, I would :)
Roshan said…
Thats a good idea.. I should get my costume franchised by companies with logos on the sides... "this part of Spiderbuttbat is brought to you by Vicks- vicks ki goli lo.. kich kich door karo !"
Must be some curtain rod!
Roshan said…
yes, right now, my major archrivals are turning out to be gravity and cheap-material curtain rods !
$$ said…
Spaceman Spiff said…
Allow me to use the OPAOS factor (yes, the very same you used on me)- Oh Pinne, Avande oru SpiderButtBat.

But if it is true, then your costume would be a pink tutu. No arguments there.

Roshan said…
my own weapon used against me !! Blasphemy !!

I see a lot of potential for you to become my arch nemesis : Batman-Joker, Spiderman-GreenGoblin, SpiderbuttBat-SpacemanSpiff !! Yes ...this could be the start of a beautiful war !
Rohan said…
Epic!!! I am sure spider-butt-bat is gonna clean the streets of Kerala!!
Roshan said…
One thatha-kadha at a time, mon ami !
IamME said…
Ha ha.. Funny one.. Trying to imagine the SpiderButtBat on his Bat-rickshaw caught in the b'lore traffic.. :P
Roshan said…
oooh... Bangalore, you say ? I dont know...the traffic pollution is pretty bad. My spiderbuttbat allergies may act up.
IamME said…
With all the traffic, allergies etc, we might expect a mutant Hulkspiderbuttbat.. Spiderbuttbat with hulk's body.. That is one hell of a superhero..
Roshan said…
OH great ! You mean I have to reveal my green man-boobs too !! This is getting more and more awkward by the moment ! I bet Spiderman never had this problem !!
IamME said…
Jeez... No one would like to see that (gulp!!).. maybe we can cover it up with a sleeveless superman suit(ya, the underwear has to be worn over the pant) which would make you SuperHulkSpiderbuttBat... :P I think I am gonna stop here before you kick me out of your blog.. :)

BTW I am the same one who used to comment as "Mad" earlier... I am back..
Roshan said…
superHulkSpiderbuttBat with sleeveless suit and uderwear over pant driving a rickshaw through bangalore... remind me again how you got promoted from your first name to your present one ? :D
Karanth S R said…
Scary and funny :D trying to imagine how spider-bat man will look like!!! i don't think the ardanaarishwara type will be good (the photo u have put on the top) Mix-n-match of costumes of both the mans (men) would make an interesting one i feel
For now, Im seeing if I can get a role in Hollywood for this role... very tough being a superhero in Kerala!! Keep getting hit by random coconuts falling from trees!