As I lie down in bed with a bandage around my head, the only true advice I can give you all is this - choose wisely who you let inside a Group chat. It's tough enough managing with 1 eccentric fellow but heaven help you if you end up with a whole bunch of them all at once. You run the risk of physically harming yourself as I did. You don't believe me? 




It all started with an innocuous little billing error with the mobile company. As usual, they had charged me extra for services I never even took. I would have been okay with the little extra cash they were skimming off me but it was the service which they gave me without my permission that was embarrassing. You see, they had set my callertune and 'On Hold' tune to Justin Bieber's "Baby" and no matter what I did, the song just would not change! Do you have any idea what it does to a pregnant lady when she calls up her gynaecologist and hears that song???  

So anyway, after finally pressing a dozen buttons as requested by the automated service and confirming my identity by revealing my mother's name, my date of birth and pant size, I was finally handed over to a real live human customer care girl who informed me that as per their latest service, I would be connected to a WeChat conversation where I could message or send video messages to the head of the department. Seeing as the voice messages were pretty fast and unique, I decided to try it out. After waiting a few moments,a voice message a gruff voice, unlike anything I have ever heard before in my life. Do you remember what it feels like when a blackboard is scratched? This voice made that feel positively melodic in comparison. 

Voice: Hello.
Me: Yes. I am a customer of your network and I would like to complain about the tune you have put for me.
Voice: Sir. I'm sorry but this tune has been specially gifted to you by the service itself and has a 365 day lock-in period before it can be changed. And might I say. it's a perfectly acceptable tune. When I was fighting the Romans, I used to sing this song all the time.
Me: 365 day.. wait, what? Romans? Wha... who are you?
Voice: Oh, forgive me, sir. You may have recognised the voice but been misled because I'm answering this service. I am Cacofonix, the warrior.
Me: Cacofonix? You mean, the bard? 
The voice on the other side of the line harrumphed. "Cacofonix the warrior! Victor over the Romans, hero of the Gauls, Singer of soothing melodies! Yes, it is I! And yes, you may ask for my autograph."
Me: But over here, we usually here tales of Asterix and Obelix. You are just a supporting character of the village.
"My good man!" The anger rose in the voice, making it sound more like steel scraping against tiles. "Lies. Untruths. Blasphemies. All told by that midget and the fatty so that people will not know of my brilliance... you still have not asked for my autograph."
Me: But how did you end up here?
Cacofonix laughed. It sounded like a bunch of laughing hyenas... crying. "What better place to become famous and be heard by millions than India? This is just the start, I tell you... first mobile networks, then with your support reality singing shows!"
Me: Ummm. Okay. And you felt the customer care service was the best starting point?
Cacofonix: Oh. But I have already entered your Bollywood! There is a superstar whose voice and speech so resembles mine that I've already started recording songs for him.
Me: What? There's a star whose voice and accent matches yours?? In Bollywood? Who?
Cacofonix: Hang on a second. Let me connect you to him. 
Me: No.. wait. I really just want... 


It was no use, of course. The sound of buttons being pressed had already begun on the other side and a second later, a familiar voice spoke. I hit my forehead as I recognised it instantly.
Me: I'm sorry, 'MISS' Kangana Ranaut. There has been a misunderstanding. Cacofonix must have dialled your number by mistake. He was telling me of the actor he was dubbing for and...
Kangana: Yes. He is dubbing for me. He has such a natural Hindi accent, exactly like mine.
Cacofonix: Thank you, dear. I was the best singer in my village.
Kangana: Oh, what a coincidence. So was I!
I bit my tongue to stop the words from escaping my mouth. She continued, unperturbed.
Kangana: I know you must be starstruck talking to an actress. But believe me, we are normal human beings just like you. Would you like an autograph?
Me: Umm... can I ask you a personal question?
Kangana: Sure.
Me: Why do you keep killing your characters in your movies?
Kangana: Oh. I'm so glad you noticed. It's actually a horoscope thing. According to my horoscope and stars, only films where my characters die do well. You know... Gangster, Woh Lamhe, Once Upon a Time in Mumbai, Fashion.
Me: Wow. So you are doing it for the film's sake?
Kangana: Yes. I tried for happy endings like in KnockOut, No Problem, Double Dhamaal and Rascals.
Cacofonix interrupted. "Ah. I enjoy happy endings. After every successful adventure, the villagers would greet me with a royal feast, by Toutatis! We would tie up that ironsmith, Fulliautomatix by the tree so that he wouldn't start hammering while eating.
Me: That's not how we heard it, Cacofonix. I'm sorry,Kangana. I never heard of those movies.
Kangana: Exactly. Which is why my contracts now have a strict "willing to expose but must die in the end" clause. Fingers crossed, by next year, I will be dying in Hollywood movies too. 
Me: Uh. Forgive me but as a doctor, I'm a bit skeptical of such superstitions.
Kangana: That's silly. The facts speak for themselves. Besides, I didn't just go to any small-time parrot wala astrologer. I went to the big daddy of them all. 
Me: Who is that?
Kangana: Hang on. Let me connect you to him.
Cacofonix: Listen. I have to take another call but just ping me if you need me, babes.
Me: No wait ! I...



Once more, the sound of 'Baby Baby' filled my ears as I was put on hold. When the new voice came on, it was old but kind.
Voice: Yes. My child. Tell me your birthdate.
Me: What? Uh. 5th February 1981?
Voice: Oh. I see that the stars are in Uranus.
Me: THE STARS ARE IN MY WHAT???
Voice: Uranus, my child. The planet.
Me: Oh sorry. I thought you said..
Voice: Yes. I get that a lot. 
Kangana: Guru ji. This man doesn't believe in scientific stuff like astrology and lucky number plates.
Voice: He must be a rural boy. Ah, it's okay. I will convert him. I am after all, Bejan Daruwalla. Astrologer Number 1. Just by your birthdate, I can reveal your entire history. Would you like my autograph?
Me: I'm sorry, but I highly doubt that you can guess my history.
Bejan: Okay. What time were you born?
Me: 10.20am. Indian time.
Bejan: You are an Aquarian. Creative. Distant. Eccentric.
Me: That applies to all Aquarians. Tell me something specific.
Bejan: You like Bounty chocolates and Cosmopolitan magazine. You cut your toe-nails last night while watching Glee. While you tell everyone you download shows like Dexter and Game of Thrones, in reality you download Teletubbies and Keeping up with the Kardashians. You have a scar on your left hand from tenth standard when you fell while hiding in a tree watching Smitha Dadekar in her room. You like big butts and you cannot lie...
ME: STOP ! STOP ! OH MY GOD ! How are you doing this?
Bejan: I answer to a higher power. He guides me and blesses me with all the answers.
Me: God?
Bejan: Wait. Let me get him for you. I have him on speed dial. 
Me: You have God on Speed dial??

When the new voice spoke, it was more mechanical than I expected. It also sounded like it was in a bathroom.
Voice: I was in the jacuzzi pondering. Why did you interrupt me?
Bejan: This boy doesn't believe in the power of Uranus.
Kangana: Or scientific stuff. Like eating twin bananas to get pregnant with twins.
Voice: He is a fool. 
Me: G...God? Is that you?
The mechanical voice sighed.
Voice: I am Deep Thought... the all-knowing. Solution to all problems provided after pondering all possible options. Actual author of the Divine Book.
Me: Which divine book?
Deep Thought: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, of course. The true divine book.
Realization once more dawned upon me.
Me: You're the great SuperComputer. The one who took seven and a half million years to find out that the ultimate answer to life, the universe and everything ... was 42 !!
Deep Thought: Yes. And I stand by what I said. I am never wrong, you see. Would you like a binary autograph?
Me: No. No. This is just fascinating. So are you working on a new question now?
Deep Thought: I am always in deep thought, human. Presently, I seek that which puzzles humans, Vogons, androids and fellow computers even more - why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: ....
Deep Thought: You are speechless. That is understandable. It is beyond your comprehension. Would you like my binary autograph in italics or regular Comic Sans font?
Kangana: Could I get one in Hindi binary? I can't understand English binary.
Me: Look. I'm just having trouble with my phone network. All I really want was help with that...
Deep Thought: I know just the human for you. He had a lot of trouble with his phone too. Here, allow me to connect the two of you. It's long distance so may take a few seconds. Hang on.

A few seconds later, an old gentleman came on the line.
Voice: Graham Bell speaking. How can I help you?
Me: Graham Bell? You invented the phone! When Deep Thought said he would connect me with a guy who had phone trouble, I did not think he meant you!
Graham Bell: Well. He is right. Noone had more trouble than me, young man. After all, I had to make the darn thing! And then make another and see if they worked together.
Bejan: It's a good thing I made you change your name from Graham Bow to Graham Bell. It made you more scientific.
Graham Bell: I am eternally grateful, my dear friend.
Kangana: Hi Belly.
Graham Bell: Kangs ol' gal. Aren't you dead yet?
Kangana: No. I'm still waiting to die in today's death scene where an airlifted cow falls on me. It's special for me - my 100th death scene. To celebrate, we're having a cake and party later on. You must come.
Graham Bell: Sure. Give me a missed call when the party's started.
Me: Wow. That must have felt great, Mr Bell. Talking on the telephone to another person for the first time.
Graham Bell: It wasn't really. Don't get me wrong. I was jolly well exhilarated when I picked up the device and dialled in the number and all that, but the first words I heard were a bit of a downer, I say.
Me: Oh?
Graham Bell: Well, this young lady comes on the line and says 'The number you are trying to reach is presently not available. Please check the number you have dialled.' I mean, God dammit, lad. There were only two numbers back then and I was one of them!
Me: I... I don't understand. There was a customer care?
Graham Bell: I don't expect you to understand. It's scientific stuff. Would you like my signature?
Me: No. No. I ...I just wanted to change my callertune.
Graham Bell: Well, why didn't you say so? Here, I have a buddy in customer care. Cool chap. Hang on while I get him for you.

And a few seconds later, I heard the words that finally made me fall off my chair and bang my head on the table, knocking me unconscious.
Cacofonix: Good morning. 'Put Me on Hold' section. Cacofonix the Warrior here. How may I help you? Hey, Roshan. Buddy! Is that you?
   

They all love WECHAT, by Toutatis !!

****


Author's note: This is my entry for Indiblogger's contest with WeChat


UDPATE:
This entry won me a Rs1000/- gift voucher from Flipkart.



20 Comments

maithili said…
Haha the conversations were funny :D :D
Best was Kangana Ranaut :D :D

Ok so I need to stop thinking and start writing :P
Kanthu said…
That was hilarious. :-)
Jyoti Mishra said…
I had this big grin throughout :P
enjoyed it
Kangana would be so pleased :D
And yes, time to start writing !
Thanks .. glad you liked it !
That was the aim.. glad it made you smile :D
aishu_here said…
LOL! A refreshingly funny post perfect for a Friday afternoon read :D

Nisha said…
Cross connections, eh!? Interesting set of people there :)
I wrote my piece two days back but I'll post it closer to the date of submission *evil grin*!
And well, the rules look confusing.. 'if you could chat with 5 people in a wechat group...' I'm assuming you have to talk to 5 people simultaneously, right?
Although, you've chosen a middle path.. smart!
Thanks :) Glad to see you hear after so long.
"closer to the date of submission"... you evil scheming woman!! :D
And yes, even I was a bit confused on that bit and decided to just be in between on that part.
BK Chowla, said…
I find it very funny.
But, I find this post a bit too long
I know what you mean sir.. In trying to make 5 people talk, I couldnt reduce it more.
Sunitha said…
wow.. this was really funny...Still laughing , thinking of Kangana's lines..
Nirvana said…
While it began with harmless giggling followed by a few snorts, it was the "Uranus" one was the one that caused any real damage - ROFL ing started after that. When you get that prize, don't forget - I told you so!! :-)
hahaha interesting read, doc :D
You are laughing while that poor girl is dying.. over and over and over and over again :D
From your words to Gods/Indibloggers ears :D
Thanks Anita :)
Meety said…
Perfect read for a blue and boring monday :) ... can't think of another way to wind up the day!!
Thanks Meety :D
Ironically, it's been a blue and boring Monday at the hospital too. The only noise coming from the operation theatre was me snoring :D