The Dummies Guide for Identifying Religious Sinners

Dr Roshan Radhakrishnan
I want to thank all the defenders of religion. 

Not just mine but every religion. Your religion - headed by God/ the son of God/ the prophets of God/ 330 crore Gods - would have collapsed entirely if it had not been for you. 
Sure, some of the easy things like robbery, murder et al come under the social compass of  'a crime' but then what do those law makers really know about the true crimes that God meant? The ones that God feels truly defines wrong-doers is way more specific and no doubt, accurate and it is a good thing that you are there today to help God out. 

Personally, I sincerely hope you manage to find and out all these blasphemers. And I mean, ALL of them. You know... the:

  • Non-believers of any religion.
  • Non-believers of your religion. 
  • All Christians.
  • All Hindus. 
  • All Muslims.
  • All Jews.
  • All Sikhs.  
  • All ( * insert religion * )
  • All Beef-eaters.
  • All Pork-eaters.
  • All those who eat animals that don't chew cud / have a divided hoof.
  • Those eating seafood which does not have fins or scales.
  • All those who eat non-vegetarian food on Monday, Thursday or Friday.
  • Anyone imbibing wine or alcohol.
  • Anyone getting tattoos.
  • Those who eat Any Food on religious days of fasting.
  • Those who eat fruit from a tree within 4 years of planting it.
  • Those Eating vegetables that grow under the ground.
  • Those Eating eggs.
  • Those Eating non-halal meat.
  • Those Eating non-kosher meat.
  • Those Eating non-vegetarian food.
  • Those eating green coloured vegetables during specific periods of the calendar.
  • Those who eat after sunset.
  • Those who eat with their left hand.
  • Those who don't include salt in offerings to God.
  • Those who don't pray five times a day.
  • Those who don't pray one time a day.
  • Those who don't go to religious sites of worship.
  • Those who belong to your religion but not the same sub-division of your religion.
  • Those who go to a religious site of worship within 33 days of giving birth to a boy.
  • Those who go to a religious site of worship within 66 days of giving birth to a girl.
  • Those who don't pray together.
  • Women who pray with men.
  • Those who talk to people who left their religion.
  • Those men who pray behind a woman. 
  • Those who pray to religious idols.
  • Those who don't pray to religious idols.
  • Ignoring the judgement of a priest.
  • Those who have doubts about religion which you don't know the answer to.
  • Women who don't cover their entire body.
  • Women who don't cover their hair.
  • Women who wear jeans and non-traditional clothing.
  • Women who study.
  • Women who talk on the phone.
  • Women who talk in religious places.
  • Women who eat chowmein and have mobile phones.
  • Women who talk with men other than their family members.
  • Women who are alone with men other than their family members. 
  • Women who eat food sitting beside their husband.
  • Women who raise their hands in self-defense against their husbands.
  • Women who visit their parents without informing their husband.
  • Women who make men fall in love with them without getting parental consent.
  • Women who have pre-marital sex.
  • Women who refuse sex after marriage.
  • Women who enter a place of worship while having their periods.
  • Women who have abortions of their own free will.
  • Men who are uncircumcised.
  • Divorcing.
  • Getting remarried after getting divorced.
  • Adoption.
  • Having brown skin.
  • Wearing jewelry.
  • Shaping your eye brows.
  • Trimming your beard.
  • Letting your hair grow long.
  • Getting a haircut on a Tuesday.
  • Wearing deep v-necks.
  • Wearing cologne.
  • Not wearing cologne.
  • Cross-breeding animals.
  • Cartoonists.
  • Painters.
  • Authors.
  • Musicians.
  • Those listening to music.
  • Those watching television. 
  • Lusting for the opposite gender.
  • Lusting for the same gender.
  • Being Transsexual. 
  • Cross-dressing.
  • Playing outdoor games.
  • Playing chess.
  • Working during the seventh day of the week - includes
    • sowing, 
    • baking, 
    • washing, 
    • tying, 
    • stitching, 
    • writing two or more letters, 
    • erasing two or more letters.
  • Men wearing silk.
  • Mixing fabrics in clothing.
  • Having a pet dog.
  • Touching an unclean animal.
  • Playing with Toys resembling human beings.
  • Choosing your country over your religion.
  • Selling land permanently.
  • Planting different seeds in the same field.
  • Indulging in material pleasures after you are old.
  • Turning to spiritualists.
  • Believing in human Gods.
  • Not believing in human Gods.
  • Seeking omens. (astrology?)
  • Believing in reincarnation.
  • Not believing in reincarnation.
  • Committing suicide.

It is true. God (or Gods, all of whom must surely be following these same rules up in heaven) would have collapsed under the sheer weight of managing the one tiny single planet out of the billions based on all these rules and sub-rules he created.

So what if random people die while doing so? It's for the greater good, right?

By proving that the crimes committed by people of other religions are worse than the crimes committed by the people of your religion, you ensure that your God will be victorious in the weekly points tally in heaven.

By beating, torturing and killing innocent people just because they don't belong to your religion, you ensure that your God will be strutting proudly up above.

By shaming a woman for showing the hair upon her head or basically anything she does, we protect God from embarrassment as God too has never seen hair on the head of his own creations before or wanted them to have any freedom of choice.

By enforcing rules about watching television, plucking eyebrows, talking on a mobile phone and playing football on today's generation based on rules made for a civilization 2000 years ago, you are showing that your God was always future-ready.

As long as God stays safe, nothing else need matter. Because - repeat after me - God would have collapsed under the sheer weight of managing one tiny single planet out of the billions he made HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR YOU, Oh defender of your religion.

He should probably be bowing before you instead of vice versa for all the lives you have killed in his name while he was not around to speak for himself.

P.S. To say that "their religion's silly rules are worse than my religion's silly rules" is an idiotic and lame excuse, frankly. This whole "what about them" style of reasoning while defending religious hate crimes is not what a sensible God would have intended. Why should someone today be harmed for the crimes committed by a total stranger 500 years ago, simply because they belonged to the same religion? How is there possibly any logic to that?

The rules above are taken from the most popular 4-5 religions practiced in the world today, including mine and most probably yours. I have mixed them all up because that is where the real fun about religious rules really begin, don't you think? When you want to mock the stupidity of a religious rule but see it beside another similar rule from your own religion, does it not feel the least bit awkward to you? Mind you, there is so much overlapping of religious rules, it isn't even funny!

If some of the rules above sound extremely insane, it was because they were part of the earliest iterations of religion. The problem is that today, more than ever before, all the major religions seem to be looking to push in their puritanical 1.0 original version once more. And I am sorry but that just does not fit in today's world. If anything, constricting rules such as these belongs where it was left behind - in the dark ages.  

Be honest with yourself - if you feel that it is okay for somebody to be harmed because of the religion they were born with, what does that truly say about your own religious beliefs? A God who made  200 billion galaxies does not need you to insult or harm somebody to save his name and reputation. He does not need you to be his 'hand of God'.

Learn empathy and compassion. Be a shining example of your religion's best features - something which will make others take notice in a positive way, for a change.    

P.P.S. If you did not find yourself in at least five of the above categories of blasphemy, kindly report to NASA, stating the exact nature of your species and your true purpose for visiting Earth. Also, your original space craft is presently parked in Area 51, I believe.

As a final exercise, go through the list above one more time. How many major sins have you committed in that list till date, my friend?

Post a Comment


Let me know what you think.

  1. I think I must be there in atleast 50 of those lists... which means, I need not even apply for a visa to heaven I guess :D
    But do share it to spread the word... I am curious to see reactions since technically, these are real rules of religion

  2. latasunilJuly 03, 2018

    Atleast I am an earthly being. Thank God. Sharing right away.

  3. latasunilJuly 03, 2018

    Means I am a sinner!! I cannot accuse anyone now! Roshan, this one is too good. Wish all will read it.

  4. Looks like I'm going straight to hell! LOL Seriously, though, I've never subscribed to any religion and agree wholeheartedly that you don't need it to have morals and be a good person. To each his/her own. More carnage has been perpetrated in the name of religion than anything else.

  5. Vishal BheerooJuly 03, 2018

    You nailed it, Doc. Love this line, you are showing that your God was always future ready. I prefer to be a sinner but Good human being rather than god fearing. At times, I go mute and words fail me. For the bigots, if there God was human, they would take pride in saving them, I mean it's so ludicrous to think that religion are at stake that it would be destroyed despite existing for ages.

  6. That point - that you can be good without subscribing to a religion - is gaining more prominence these days. At any rate, people who do subscribe to one staunchly immediately denounce people of other faith as bad merely because their Gods are different, thus automatically converting 66% of the world into sinners for no fault of theirs.

  7. There are so many times when I want to respond in these news media comment sections because it gets tiring reading all the rubbish being spoken against strangers merely because the God is different. How do you judge the rest of the world as evil just because they pray to a different God? And as you can see in the list above, each faith comes bundled with its own set of nuttiness.
    As I mentioned to you yesterday, was in half a mind whether to publish this but then I realized that the silence of sane people is an even bigger weapon at times for those pushing such beliefs. That is what allows them to shame women on such flimsy grounds as you see in that list or make eating meat a sin only on this, this or that day.

  8. Yes and this is cause for most of the world's bloodshed, from the dawn of time.

  9. Quiet GirlJuly 03, 2018

    Ive always believed that man's heart is desperately wicked. So they do hurtful things. We have ALL done hurtful things , no matter what the size or the consequences. Sometimes we are desensitized to the level of pain someone else can tolerate, over our level. Regardless, God makes rules, but man find loopholes abuses them. Then people blame God.

  10. richasinghJuly 03, 2018

    I cannot begin to tell you how wonderful this post was. I mean the situation that is there in our country right now is so bad it is getting beyond words... Not that we are better off a certain country or nation but that we are worse off from our own past is the cause of worry..

  11. nabanita21July 03, 2018

    Well, the answer to all problems would be if we could use our education and brains to determine and discuss an issue instead of holding on to some kind of twisted and flimsy view on morality and religion..Of-course, there's no dearth of people who like to show every kind of crime, mind you heinous crime, tainted by religion instead of showing and calling it as a crime against humanity which it almost always is...And we too get carried away and make things worse...I don't see myself fighting with my friend of some other region or religion, I think we are still together but people would have us believe otherwise and worsen the situation...

  12. Anita JeyanJuly 03, 2018

    Nobody chose their religion. Our names and religions were passed on to us by our parents. However kindness and character are taught. We need more of that and we should fight to establish more of these than something we are assigned to by birth.Excellent post.

  13. Jayashree SrivatsanJuly 03, 2018

    Brilliantly put are right... Nobody seems to consider the times when such rules were made and their irrelevance today

  14. Amazing that with all this knowledge about the follies of fighting over religion over so many centuries, we choose to do it all over again in this day and age.

  15. You raise a very valid point actually. If there wasn't a society and rules, would we even be half as civilized as claim to be today, religion or not? Or would the facade end and the true depth of darkness come out finally?
    The rules that people claim come from God are so contradictory in some matters as you can see - it feels like the personal vengeance of an egoistic sinner rather than a kind forgiving God

  16. Thanks Richa. Glad you liked it. The starting point for this post was actually the 30 second video from the Blacklist episode I embedded here... it was such a sensible point raised and yes, exactly what we are seeing in this country today. As I write this, I find out that the police rushes in hordes to a Delhi restaurant based on the rumours of another rightwing nutjob that beef was being served. The same Delhi police that is legendary for apathy towards crimes against women had enough staff to race to a restaurant for this... insane!

  17. Wow, I'm such a proud blasphemer! All hail sin!!! Woohoo.

  18. Danny_simonJuly 03, 2018

    Interesting read!!
    I must agree on the fact that many man made rules are existent today which literally drives so many away from God and the results of it are evident all over.
    Let me just put my perspective however on how I see God. I think the problem arises when one classifies it as a religion. I am a believer in God and I see it as a relationship and not quote 'Religion'. Religion imposes rules on you but in a relationship you set the boundaries so that no one gets hurt.
    I have been a dad for the past two years now. There are things I tell my son (not that he understands one bit! Being a two year old what else can be expected!) not to do.
    I don't tell him those things not to do because I don't want him to enjoy himself, I tell him those things because I know it can hurt him and I love him too much to see him get hurt. But he's impatient and goes ahead and gets hurt!
    What's sin? I believe it is something that we do because we get impatient and rather than listening to God and understanding as to why He doesn't want us to do certain things.
    Just my two cents! :)

  19. Vishal BheerooJuly 03, 2018

    I swear! Those comments thread in news website, earlier was so angry but now I prefer not to read such comments. Well said, silence is the biggest sin and so many times I've been labelled as traitor and pro Muslim for stating things I believe in. I mean, how stupid is that!

  20. People need to start using common sense instead of pushing century old laws as dictums which must be followed right down to the word. Education is the key here - knowing to listen to every opinion but realize what is sensible and logical and not succumb to the rest

  21. Totally agree.. as you said, this is something that we did not even get to choose. We were born with the tag... as a two day old baby, you do not know Hinduism from Islam. It gets inculcated into you...

  22. It should be such common sense... and yet, it gets worse and worse. Yesterday, a new headache started... after all these decades, suddenly another set of fanatics decided to start a riot because a barber was cutting hair on Tuesday, which I realised after 34 years as a Hindu was an auspicious day for hair apparently! It is this kind of insanity that makes you feel ashamed of whats going on.

  23. The problem with that is that our definition varies from person to person. To me, it is illogical to ask a woman to cover her hair claiming that it arouses men. But to the father of a staunch religious person, it makes sense because it is written in the holy Book which he believes cannot be wrong. Five people can read the same chapter and bring forth five different interpretations. And that's where it all goes wrong - when the most stringent and ancient aspects are applied.
    I mean, look at this 'haircut on Tuesday' nonsense. To say it is a religious crime to cut hair on Tuesdays is exactly what this post is about - it does no good in any way yet is used to suggest piousness for some unknown reason.

  24. Danny_simonJuly 03, 2018

    Yes, your comment is valid! I agree on that! That there are too many man made rules which God never did say. But your post above would make one think that God did not make any.

  25. I have no doubt that God made a set of rules to obey. But I don't agree with man's interpretation of it. If somebody tells me that all the good someone does is negated because he/she belongs to a different faith or left my own faith, then I would say that it cannot be a rule of God. The present Pope is a good example of God's will, as far as I am concerned - he looks beyond the narrow boundaries and asks people to love and forgive without looking at colour, gender, power or race.
    The God who runs a billion galaxies cannot possibly deny a person who does good entry into heaven just because he eats beef or does not pray 5 times a day.

  26. Ya, I get that all the time. It is just another version of "my crazy rules > your crazy rules". Holding silence can be the biggest mistake you make, I feel. Do check out the new trailer of the movie - Trumbo. It is based on a true story from the 20s but depicts us today in 2015 so accurately

  27. Man, I am a sinner! Help me... "MY" God!
    Other Gods, please excuse; You're not good enough anyway! ;D

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