Tabloid January

A New Year, a new beginning.. more importantly, a new dawn to enjoy what people from all over from a disgraced boxer to an obese dog and aliens have done that earned them a roll of honour in 2007's TABLOID JANUARY.
Too much rum at the airport ?

The fun started shortly after New Year with the report of an alien space ship hovering over Chicago's O' Hare airport shortly before sunset. The event was witnessed by a number of airline employees there, mostly from United Airlines. Apparently, the "spaceship" hovered over the airport for a while, before finally speeding away into overcast skies. I'm disappointed. I know the law in the USA is pretty stringent "post 9/11" ( blah blah blah ) towards illegal immigrants and aliens from around the world, but you could atleast have let them land, you know. To send them back after such a long journey just cause the runways were clogged is really annoying. Infact, I seriously doubt there was no runway free at that time for the poor UFo. I demand a review of the "illegal immigrants bill". Because of your insensitivity, the packet of pickles they had brought from the-planet-formerly-known-as-Pluto for me was ruined when they finally arrived here. Thanks for nothing !!

Spend it like Beckham

Of course, David Beckham has a lot to be thankful for. His left foot which was mostly ineffective during his stint with Real Madrid is now, in the twilight of his career, supposed to be the messiah of USA soccer. Or so they hope. That's what I like best. Hope. I mean, this hitherto unheard of club, L.A. Galaxy is paying Becks the equivalent of over Rupees 1000 crores over 5 years to play for them, doubling the salary of the present most expensive USA sportsman in any sport. 250 million dollars. I wouldn't pay that kind of money for anyone, let alone a hairy leg which hardly ever lasts 90 minutes in a week anymore. I wonder what shocked Becs more though - the fact that they were dumb enough to pay so much cash for him.. or finding out that USA actually had a soccer league !!! 250 million dollars. Poor schmuck. Maintaining Victoria Beckham alone means he'll be bankrupt in about a year from now. Those who want to contribute to the 'Penniless Becks 2008' fund may please send their bank account numbers to me. I'll make sure he gets your love.

A Kidney for a Ear

The New Year , of course, was not so good for ol' boxer/ ear chomper Mike Tyson. He was picked up on charges of possession of drugs. If found guilty ( wasn't he arrested with it, what's "if found guilty"??? ) he faces upto 3-5 years in prison. He needn't worry. People are calling in favours to get him out of jail. Friends ? No, you dummy. I'm talking about the prisoner who may end up being his cell mate !! Anything except being locked in a square cage with Tyson, man, anything. The last time I spoke to him, he was asking about selling his kidney to raise the required bail money for Tyson. Both kidneys, even !!! It's sad to hear a grown man cry over the phone out of abject fear so if anyone wants an extra pair of kidneys...

God bless you, M. F.

Now, I want all of you to stand up and pay respect to someone very special to most of us. The inventor of TOP RAMEN noodles died recently. So please pray for Mr Momo Fuko. Momo Fuko. Man, he must have had a tough childhood with that name. A bully's dream come true, that kind of name. "Hey, you momo fuko ! Come here. I'm gonna turn you into suckerfish sushi." I bet he must have prayed for the day when people would call him "b*****d", "p***k" and the likes, rather than his own name. Hmmm. I wonder if he took out his anger by adding any 'secret ingredients' in his noodles. Just to be on the safe side, I think I'll stick to Maggi for awhile. Godspeed, Momo Fuko..Uh, I mean, Sir.

CSI : Duh!!

Of course, I'm not the only one examining the lives of the dead. 200 years after his death, doctors, pathologists and god knows who else have finally, after avid research of his remains, come to the conclusion that Napolean Bonaparte died not because of slow arsenic poisoning, but of gastric cancer. I must admit, I'm relieved. Now I can sleep in peace finally after all these years of torment wondering. Though I guess I'll have to quit medicine now.. after all, now that this mystery is solved, what else is there to do for doctors, right ? Yeesh. Seriously, how about focussing on the living for a change ? It wouldn't kill you lot to try and help keep the living..well, alive ! Leave ol' BonesApart alone, will ya. I mean, you guys did it to him 200 years ago, at Alba, didn't you ? A little late to get a guilty conscience, doncha think ?

Boner

Speaking of bones reminded me. The makers of Viagra have come out with their next wonder drug. Guys, guys, hold on. Hear me out completely before rushing to Boner Pharmacy for a fill-up. The latest drug is an 'anti-obesity pill FOR DOGS !!!!' What the hell ?? Hasn't anyone heard of 'walking the dog', 'taking the dog for a stroll'.. hell, even making the damn dog wag it's tail ought to burn some calories, I think. There's a limit to pampering dogs! Some people are just too weird when it comes to their animals. Me ? I'm still saving up to pay for my parrot's boob job so no, I will not be buying this new pill, thank you for asking.

Talk to the PawAnd well, is any tabloid complete without the 'study/ statistics' section ? Scientists have found that cats may develop Alzheimers disease. Which means they won't recognise you, even though you've been their companion for so many years. Or give a damn about their surroundings no matter what. Which means you'll have to be with them 24/7 to look after their well being.. Hmm, sounds suspiciously like every cat I know, not just the old ones, as expected with the disease. In fact, I wonder if this report may not be just a rumor started by the cats themselves to try to enslave us even more. I don't trust those sneaky felines, I tell ya. Today, it's fill my bowl, tomorrow.. World Domination. You think I'm kidding ? Then how do you explain the fact that not a single cat died during the entire 9/11 and WMD fiasco, the shooting of any of the 'Lassie movies' or while making animal tested products ? Divide and conquer, mate. That's their plan. But don't worry, I'm onto them. Unless my body's found in a back alley with paw prints around my strangled neck. Then just remember, no matter how much the evidence points to the dumb dog next door, THE CAT DID IT !!!