A memory of sweets

Dr Roshan Radhakrishnan
12
In the last 2 weeks, I've seen a neurosurgeon open up a skull and scrape off infective material off a brain, I've seen a kilo of ingested sand removed from a neglected one year old child, I've seen a 22 year old woman crumble after finding out she had got AIDS from her husband. Yet, it's none of this that has given me an aching chest.. it was seeing a small innocuous chocolate in a store that really got me reeling. It's weird isn't it. Medically, I can't explain why the chest aches when we think of sad times ; I don't know the chemical reactions involved. I'm kind of hoping that it's just a coincidental timing - that it's nothing more than a "obesity - atherosclerotic artery - impending heart attack" thingy. If only. Because I know better than anyone the pain of a memory flooding back through the senses.


Someone once said that when we look back upon our life, the things we remember the most are the things we did in love. He was right. For of all the events that have crossed my paths, it is these moments that come back with a fresh essence. The little chocolate, one which you would probably take as a last option today, if nothing else existed, for me meant, nay, means a lot. For 12 years back, it was a means for a shy girl to tell me something I was too dumb to realise from her eyes. Of course, in time, even I realised the love that existed and reciprocated.

The memories still tease when least expected - of the day I convinced her that I loved her too, of the cute cards that arrived in the mail even though we chatted daily, the surprise visits I'd arrange just to see the joy in her face, the secret codewords, the conversations that would carry on till early in the morning, the big act of avoiding each other in class lest anyone spotted us ( even though everyone knew !!! ), walking miles during a bandh to visit her in the hospital... the trust that seemed ironclad till suddenly, it wasn't ; breaking her heart unknowingly and being unable to repair the damage. Being able to think of her now married and settled in life and finally smile, knowing she's happy and finally got a guy who could give her the life I never could.

It's been over 12 years since I was given that chocolate.. I still have the wrapper tucked away safely at home. I still have the thoughful gifts and the beautiful painting she made for me. As part of an unspoken promise, I no longer have the cards and declarations of love. But damn it, why do I have to keep the memories ?

You never forget your first love and that's not fair, Mr God... you allow us to forget the first time we walked, the first movie we saw, the first chocolate we ate, the first teacher who taught us, the first exam report and the first disease we suffered.. all milestones of our lives, but not this. Damn this heart. It's learnt at an early age to settle for less, to bear a huge amount of suffering and carry on. It has learnt to make others laugh so that there is no time to cry.. if only there was no time left after making everyone laugh.

But I guess, I'm blessed. I have been touched by an angel. Thanks to her, I learnt to express myself rather than stay hidden in the corner. I learnt to live instead of being alive. I learnt to be strong seeing her courage in adversities. She will probably never read this post, but if she did, I can just picture the mischievious smile on her face as she nods and says - "Oof !!! Finally, after all these years, he acknowledged all the trouble I took caring for a nincompoop like him." I do.

Senti fool that this heart is, it is content with what love it has recieved over those years even while it awaits more. The recent past is long forgotten, riddled in comic tragedy worthy of an 80s Hindi flick, even as the distant past belies hope for gaining true love once more. Glutton for love or punishment, time will tell.

But that brings me to what I want to ask you today - "what 2 lasting memories from your teen years will you be carrying with you forever ?"

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12Comments

Let me know what you think.

  1. This is amazing my dear fellow. As for what I keep with me from my teenage years, there are far too many... but thanks for conjuring them up.

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  2. yeah indeed sme small things bring bak the beautiful memories....
    and seeing uer post only i realized it has been 11 yrs since we
    passed 12th ?? Maan time is flying like anything

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  3. AnonymousJune 26, 2007

    :)

    boy you bring back memories you "nincompoop".

    scrape off infective material off a brain - how did he have it? fried or curried?

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  4. AnonymousJune 27, 2007

    One of my fondest memories are also of first love...much similarb to the kind u described!!!

    Suspicously...he's gone on to become a doc too!

    ;)

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  5. @johnie, nice to hear from you after so long...

    @shyam, scary, aint it ? still, have so many memories and old outdated photos from that time ...sigh.

    @max, oh well.. sigh should suffice for the first part for u :)

    as for the seceond question..believe me, its not a pretty sight. i was in shock when i saw it.. never realised how stern/stong/tough the brain is...

    @chandni, he became a doc ? my condolences... :(

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  6. Hey buddy! Talk about flash back time :-). So hows the medico world treating you now?

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  7. pytho, dude... i repeat... srsly... what have you been smoking? dont be misled by what some ppl will refer to as a "herbal" cigarette... :D

    @mogamboo... errmm.. 11 years? dint we pass 12th in 98?

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  8. hi sumz... hehhe.. looks like the whole chinmaya team is in to reply to this one. medical life is.. well, something. cant say its fun.. let's just say, its a living.. months passing by with no idea of what day it is anymore.. how are u two doing ?

    TLW, i work in anaesthesia.. u can imagine what im inhaling des days :)

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  9. "TLW, i work in anaesthesia.. u can imagine what im inhaling des days"

    dude.. we really *have* to meet up when I'm out there :D

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  10. AnonymousJuly 23, 2007

    hey rosh , this was very nice... i liked what u have written here... so true....its diff for diff ppl...but all is some how still the same...
    Deepa Gopinath

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  11. 2 memories---
    okie, 1 is the miracle tht happened whn I passed my 12th class.It's a mystery I believe.
    the othr one--

    and the sight of ma granny waiting for me in the evenings , to come back home after my plays.

    I m touched by this post mate !
    u Rock !

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  12. deepa.. its true.. in the end, its the same for so many of us.

    and thanks, indr's angels

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