He's got a girlfriend...

I'm a young but maturing 27.
( He's got a girlfriend ! )
I lead the good life, waking up early in the morning, making my own breakfast and reporting for work 45 minutes before schedule.
( He's got a girlfriend ! )
I alleviate pain, irrespective of caste, creed or sex.
( He's got a girlfriend ! )
I stay back after work if any of my patients need more tender loving care.
( He's got a girlfriend ! )
I don’t flirt with the nurses... much. ( They're good with needles )
( He's got a girlfriend ! )
I ogle within permissible limits... i.e. I don’t drool on napkins or run into lampposts staring at women or make inappropriate gestures.. ( except that one time when I saw the actress Nagma in the airport, but the airport security taught me the error of my ways.. by the way, you can barely see the scar over my scalp now. )
( He's got a girlfriend ! )
I have never been caught in a compromising position with a female.. my dog Ruby doesn’t count. She was in heat and for some reason, during heat, my leg looks like a Tanned Latino Alsatian... I really have to trim my leg fur.. I mean hair.
( He's got a girlfriend ! )
I maintain that the folder titled “Hot mommas” in my laptop which is password encrypted is nothing more than a study of fever on pregnant ladies.
In short, till proven otherwise, I’m a decent man.

Then how the freakamagica is it that the French-Indian-Vietnamese Bikini killer Charles Sobhraj has got a girlfriend at the age of 64 years while he’s still in prison ( a 20 year old , nonetheless ) while I’m stuck on Saturday nights watching reruns of Scrubs ( Tada thish I can’t do this allll on mah own.. ) and wondering if J.D. is my long lost twin ?

What ? Is it the ‘bad guy’ tag ? Hey,I don't have to be the good guy always , you know. Hey, I can be a rough tough lean mean fighting machine too, you know. Heck, I’ve driven a bike at 160 kms/ hr.
Ok. I was actually the backseat rider. And yes,if you believe them liars, certain ‘alleged’ eyewitnesses say I was crying like a little girl begging the biker to stop. But of course, the biker who drove me that night will tell you the truth about the real me. Sigh, I still have her handkerchief from that night.

Anyway, I think it’s time to change. If I’m gonna get a date, I need to follow in Charles footsteps. I’ve studied all that he’s done and I’m ready.So Ladies beware, the Bikini Killer is back. And he’s hunkier this time around.
Just one question – do you think wearing this itsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini makes me look fat ?

What do you mean , I'm not supposed to wear the bikini ?