To 
The Recruiting Officer
c/o Mr Zuckedman Zockermin Soccermom Motherzucker Mr Mark Z  
Facebook
http://www.facebook.com
The Internet

Respected Mr Sir/Madam/Other,

It has come to my notice that you recently signed up a nice young Indian boy ( whose name was not mentioned for security reasons ) straight out of college for the handsome salary package of Rs 1.34 crore as an annual package. I can empathise with him as I have been in an almost similar dilemma many years ago when I started working after 10 years of graduate and post graduate studies. The only difference back then was that I was a handsome boy and the salary was not mentionable for pitiful reasons. 
Anyway, I feel that I would be a welcome addition to the family of Facebook workers for a similar annual package as that young man. I would like to list the reasons below so that you will have no need for coming all the way down here for a campus interview in my case and can instead sign me on directly via email.

  • At the outset, let me state that I have no present affiliation with any other social networking outfits other than your brilliant company.
  •  In the interest of full disclosure, yes - I did have a phase in the mid-2000s where I was in Orkut, but I have stopped going there since the last 4 years and am now entirely Orkut-free. 
  • I also have a Google plus account which is active only because I have a corresponding Gmail account which I have created to stash my collection of hot nipsli upskir 'saving the environment' pamphlets. I am willing to shut it down and transfer all these files to my yahoo account at a moment's notice, including the Kim Kardashian video where she and her black boyfriend get a room and she saves the environment.
  • I am a veteran of Mafia Wars and for a brief while, had the highest score amongst my friends in Crazy Taxi. My Farmville farms have drawn praise even from Mr Thotapalli Nagarajan who tends to our gardens at home. 
  • I have presently accumulated 623 points friends in the last 4 years at the astounding growth rate of 623 % since the day I started. While this does include the 375 radical Nazi skinheads from Germany who mistook me for a younger reincarnation of Hitler after seeing a profile picture of me with my hair well oiled and combed sideways, I assure you we have remained friends ever since, just like Mr Mark would have wanted. I even sent young Deschkupe Studenfrankher an Indian dish as he requested last year to his juvenile centre. I found it peculiar that he wanted hunting knives placed inside the payasam I sent him, but I guess every nationality has their own style of eating food so I complied. I don't know whether he got it though, because it coincided with the June 2011 breakout from that very juvenile home where 12 wardens were stabbed and the police suspected a 'foreign hand' in the matter.
  • I am very punctual with 'Liking' people's status updates. My share ratio is also a healthy 68.4 %, including some of the famous shares of the last few years like the 'Susan Boyle singing on stage' video, the 'lion Christian reunited with his former human friends' video, the 'Why this Kola veri di' video and the 'Susan Boyle sings why this kola veri di while being eaten by Christian the lion' video.
  • I have studied and can perform LOL, ROFL and LMAO very fast and with one finger.  
  • I hear that the young man from Allahabad whom you selected will have to relocate to USA. I too have no reservations at all in this regard. I too am fully willing to give up my life of luxury in the metropolitan green picturesque village I presently stay in and move over to USA. I would preferentially like to work in poor impoverished areas like Miami and Las Vegas where the young mothers seem too poverty stricken to afford more clothing for the same. 
  • Similarly, in the matter of accomodation, you will find me to be most okay okay not a problem accomodatingly accomodatable.  I am not averse to houses near dry desert-like sands ( eg : near the beach where they shot Baywatch ) or even with loud neighbours ( eg : the Bellagio or Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. )
  • I prefer blonde female co-workers. But I can adjust with all types. I have a green belt in karate obtained when I was eight years old and can be of valuable assistance in security issues as well, in case we are attacked by crazed MySpace fanatics. 
  • I am confident that I can contribute a lot to the creative teams in the Facebook workplace as well with inspirational speeches and motivational orations. In fact, I would like to provide here as proof ( see attachments ) pictures of me during my school days where I have motivated my fellow batchmates to greater goals. The first picture is of me dressed as a mouse ( during a play for 'Who will Bell the Cat ?' ). The second is of me again on stage as Gluteus Impossiblis, the little known sidekick of Brutus who inspires him to kill Caeser. The third picture is a recent one of me putting my finger in an aquarium filled with fish to show my cat, Ginger, that they're just ordinary fish and he can do the same. Much later, I found out ( after asking friends on your wonderful Facebook ) that piranhas do attack all sorts of animals and not just cats. God bless Ginger's soul.    

Having gone through my resume, I am sure that you will find me suitable for the job. I look forward to hearing from you at the earliest. 

Like

Dr Roshan



Author's note : The author is an anaesthesiologist who deals with critical care and does 36 hour emergency duties as a hobby while he waits for Mr Zuckerfreaky Zaigermeister Mr Mark to get this letter and hire him on the spot.  

43 Comments

What a brilliant and hilarious piece of writing. This had me in splits all through. It has all that it needs to ensure a call if not an immediate appointment. That would be the true test of this post. :) Glad to have come across your blog. Will be back for more.
JKHoNa said…
LMAO... ROTFL... :) :) :) super awesome piece of writing!!! lets the Z stumble upon this and send you an offer letter!!!
CD!!! said…
OMG!! This is hilarious!! 8,9,10 in particular. Mr. Mark surely will consider you, afterall you are ready to stay under any conditions :D
Rachit said…
hilariously buddy, you crafted it quite beautifully... and with the clinging title.. it got me hooked.. :D

Weakest LINK
Leo Paw said…
Wow! that was really a fun read. You are actually giving him ideas on starting a new online business with the tag "Casebook helps you connect and cure with the doctors in your life.". And if he does, do claim your share.:)
Dr Roshan R said…
subhorup, JKhona welcome :) glad to have you onboard... God knows how much longer I'll be able to write once im in Miami.. I'd probably be writing on my newly created FACESPOT blog site :)
Dr Roshan R said…
Cd, I know.. I am accomodatively accomodating that way.. :)

Rachit, thanks for stopping by... glad you enjoyed it.
What is this ?? This is explosive !!! Jst can't stop laughing :D
Dr Roshan R said…
Leo Paw, awww man... I wanna go to USA and sip pina coladas with my 1.34 crores, not get back to 'doctoring'.. though i will gladly accept my share of the pie should he steal my idea :)
phatichar said…
Hilarious... ROTFL doubling over @ how KK and boyfriend save the planet :D :). I don't know how i missed coming here, tho i wanted to a long time back...u rock, doc! So, when do i get that autographed book? ;)
Dr Roshan R said…
Of Prisms and Lives... aww shucks.. its just my normal resume you know :)

Phatichar .. wow !! Didnt know anyone still read that old story ( I assume you are refering to the Klark Kentillilla story ).. anyway thanks... as for autographed books, well.. when/where/how ? :)
debajyoti said…
that was a fun read although i m not very familiar with those facebook terminologies. all the best with ur new job :D
Tangerine said…
this was hilarious.... :)
facebook's case taken.
BluBluBling said…
hahahahahaha :D , I am so glad I read your story and hence found your blog :D

You are awesome. Hilarious :)
SUPER ! ROFL ! Thottapally nagarajan ? ! LOL !
On a serious note, if they even recruit you , please let us know, I will forward my resume for referral. Employee referral might fetch you more likes from your employer..! And even more for referring such a gem of a fb user as me !
Dr Roshan R said…
debajyoti... haha... will keep ya posted once i reach Las vegas.

Tangerine, :)
Dr Roshan R said…
Blublubling, thanks... high praise indeed.

Anita, thats an excellent idea..Mark will be pleased..very pleased ..hahahaha :)
Illeen said…
Funny.. I have been trying for so long now! :D
Nisha said…
simplyyy awesome!!!
keep writing like this and you'll get closer to 1.34 crores a year :D
Dr Roshan R said…
illeen, no way !! without resumes like mine, you ain't got a chance.

nisha, :) yeeeah !!!
Suruchi said…
Wow, finally a mindblowingly hilarius piece in your true characteristic style Rosh....

Only you can write such amazingly funny lines after almost every line :-)

KK's videos, 623%growth rath, knives in payasam, LOL at one finger, blonder female workers-omg, the list of wonderful grinny moments in this post are endless:-)
Rohan said…
Did Mr.Mark Z call you? He called me to ask about the doctor who used to work in my college. He also asked where in mangalore they'll get good guns..
Anonymous said…
hahahahaha....

Roshan... it was too good :)

Sha.
Dr Roshan R said…
Suruchi, true.. its been a while since I wrote something funny in the old style.. glad you liked it.
Dr Roshan R said…
Rohan, guns ? I guess he must be one of those types who celebrates events ( like meeting me and giving me my pay cheque ) by shooting in the sky, right ? What a nice guy :) Tell him to come with his helicopter to Juice Junction... I'll buy him a chickoo juice :))
Dr Roshan R said…
Sha(rni?), thanks...
$$ said…
Trust me... it cannot get more hilarious than this!!!!

adipoli!!! :)
Nirvana said…
Welcome back, o king of humour!!! Will get back AFTER i have finished ROFL and LOL ing!!
Dr Roshan R said…
Shalini, :) thank you thank you... I will remember you in my awards speech.

Nirvana, its good to be back :) Looking forward to your posts on the 2nd book launch.
$$ said…
i "like" your comment :p
Dr Roshan R said…
Shalini, you definitely have a great chance of joining me in this company with that attitude.

Nags, :D to you too :))
DocPriya said…
Super awesome post! Really laughed my heart out! Hilarious plus Really well crafted! Keep up the Good work! :-)
Reflections said…
Hahahahaaaa....hilarious; u knw wht, I think u stand a good chance, so dont lose hope;-D
Dr Roshan R said…
DocPriya, thanks :) I dont know about well crafted.. just wrote it on a whim and published the first draft.. feel I could have added more later on..

Reflections, fingers crossed :)
Rachna said…
Roshan that was seriously funny :). Well done!
vandana sharma said…
wow..doc....u r superb..:)
Thanks Rachna... sigh, still no call from that dude though !
Mark Zurkaraperatty said…
Dear Dr Roshan,
i'm amazed by your creativity and writing. i have felt your resume is not worth 1.34 crore. im resigning and you should be ceo of fb. i shall send over my executive Dr Ben to sign the papers.

regards
Mark Z********* (even i find it difficult)
Priya Sreeram said…
lol- good one roshan ;
Thanks you Mr Mark Zukaraperatty ( I always knew you were actually a fellow Malayalee... that face cut was there )
Similarly, while I always knew I was worthy of the top job, I figured it would be bad to take it away from you just based on my magnifique resume. But since you have identified this gem in the haystack that is your... sorry, 'MY' Facebook, I am touched. Rest assured, there will always be a job for you at my Farm(ville).

Am I obliged to tip your executive or is it like olden times where I get to shoot the messenger... or better yet, like the movie 300, where I get to kick him down a well screaming "THIS IS SPAAAARTAAAAAA !" Just curious.