"With great power-cuts come great responsibility..." - Indian Anonymous.

All these years, I felt that my calling in life was to be a food connoisseur, trekking across the length and breadth of this nation as I hunt for the best buffet of the nation (Barbeque Nation, presently). But now, having seen so much anguish and hatred amongst my fellow brothers and their sisters as they shred each other apart on social media over who would be a worthy Prime Minister to lead this country into the future, I find that, like that other famous guy in America who usually flies around wearing his red underwear over his blue unitard, I too must accept my true calling and stand up to save the nation.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I, His Highness The Sultan of Blogpuri the Third, am willing to be the better alternative. I will be your Prime Minister, once you choose me.
I sense that there will be a bit of skepticism... it is okay. Your ignorance to my magnificence is pardoned. 
What do I offer that others don't, you ask? How will I be different? Allow me to elaborate.

My cabinet: 

    • Unlike other parties which choose rich millionaires as their candidates and policy makers, my team will predominantly consist of the one set of people who have proven their sense&sensibility consistently over many decades: The team of Amul advertising guys. Because no one knows what India thinks more than that girl who never ages! (Plans to change the term 'Mother India' into 'Butter India' have been discussed; rest assured we will have an sms system to hear public opinion as well.) 
    • Rocky and Mayur from Highway on My Plate will obviously be inducted into the Lok Sabha. They are wacky yet sensible and they know where to get the best take aways for our lunch breaks. Also, with them, the only porn we will catch ministers watching in the Houses would be food porn!
Hehehe... One step closer to the
Indian Parliament canteen, brotha'!
    • Sherlyn Chopra: During one of the previous Parliamentary sessions, we witnessed an embarrassing scenario where all the grown men of a party were ordered by their lady-boss to stand up and shout to disrupt someone else who was speaking. It's something I would never have even imagined seeing in a school or college debate - grown men not having a mind of their own and awaiting instructions on whether to sit or stand. That's why I would want Sherlyn in... would be nice to have someone with actual balls in the House! (P.S. I'm sorry Sherlyn. But Sunny Leone will be getting our Foreign Minister post. Please understand. She's got more international exposure.)
    • Amisha Patel as Finance Minister. She studied Economics and has a gold medal for it. Your argument is invalid. (Me having a crush on her since her Kaho Na Pyaar Hai days is purely coincidental.)
      No Amisha! That's not our political symbol!
    • Raghu Ram and Rajiv Laxman (of Roadies) as the twin Speakers of Lok Sabha. Because sometimes you need the person sitting up there to just stand up and scream 'STFU!!' to an errant politician.
    • Can I bring Abdul Kalam back from retirement? Just as a 'Honorary Member of Parliament'. Dude doesn't need to say a word. Just sit there serenely and read the paper if he wants to. It would just be nice to have someone with class and knowledge in the House after all these years.
    • ACP Pradyuman in charge of Law. Because he da maan.
Do you feel lucky, Pappu? Do ya??
    • Abhishek Bachchan: I really just want to hear him say 'What an idea, sir ji!' when I talk in Parliament. Makes me feel cool.
Other members will be inducted by the traditional Indian method of 'Swayamwara' where they all stand together and the above mentioned members will go and garland random people without knowing jack-s**t about them. Hey, if it worked for our ancestors, should work fine for us, right? There will also be a 'kho-kho' elimination round with strategic time-outs. 

My vision for India: 

Ah yes, the big question. What do I have to offer to India that other parties don't?

    • Money saving schemes: I found an easy way to save us a crap-load of cash. The best part is, you don't even have to invest! See, it came to my notice that these children who presently sit in Parliament just bawl their butts off till class gets dismissed everyday Some media reports quoted the loss to the tax payer at 2 lakhs per minute wasted. So here's my quick fix - money lost for every minute wasted BY the children inside the House WILL BE compensated BY the children's parties themselves.  Best  case scenario - their papa (or mommy in some cases) running the show tells them to stop wasting his/her 'hardly earned' money and engage in an actual debate. Worst case scenario - they continue crying and screaming... doesn't cost us a paisa. Either way, we save 2-5 crores a day which can ACTUALLY be used for public welfare.
      Mera paisa gaya re!!
    • Khap Panchayats will stay. They are an essential part of our culture and heritage and must be given that due respect. I only request that you go to them during regular visiting hours, do not feed them peanuts or put your hands in between the bars of the cage to try to touch them when you visit them or the monkey enclosures nearby. (I'm kidding. You can totally feed the monkeys in the zoo. They're our forefathers, man. Show some respect.)
    • Morality: It's tough to get the balance between modern and traditional opinions, especially where love and romance go (because we all know that we became the second most populous country in the world without showing any love). Anyway, here's what I offer: public displays of affection are allowed (youth- yeah! oldies - boo!). Also, free wi-fi in public, thus ensuring that couples hands will be on their own mobiles and not on their beaus (youth-yeah! oldies - yeah! Me with both their votes in my pocket - yeah yeah!)
    • Freebies: Some parties offer free water and electricity. I offer you More holidays in a year! Instead of ministers not attending work and getting paid while the public gets a dozen national holidays, I say we add more national holidays into the mix so that the working class has more reasons to smile. Proposed days include:
      • National Topless Ganguly Day (July 13 - to celebrate India's ridiculous 2002 Natwest series final chase of 326 after being 146/5)
      • Chodo Kal ki Baatein Day (July 21 -to coincide with the life altering moment when Salman Khan hugged Shahrukh Khan after years of animosity)
      • Alok Nath Day (Celebrating how one man's tweet can make the whole country remember India's reel pitaji of the nation.)
      • Ek Anhoni Kahani Diwas (To honour what I still consider the most amazingly mind-numbing movie of Bollywood starring so many Indian celebrities - Jaani Dushman: Ek Anhoni Kahani. A 20 foot statue of Armaan Kohli growling will be made every year... and promptly thrown into the Bay of Bengal.)
"Please make 'Ek Anhoni Kahani Diwas' happen..."
      • Storybook Saturdays. (On the third Saturday of every alternate month, everyone has to wear comic book outfits and come to work. I really just want to see all of the ministers debating on national issues while wearing Wonder Woman and Spiderman outfits... I'm worried that Abhishek Bachchan will wear the Wonder Woman outfit though!)      
    • No more detaining of members of fanatic groups and parties who trash public indiscriminately and are then released within 24 hours. As part of a program of reciprocity, we will be deporting you to our beloved neighbour across the North border for target practise for the princely sum of Rs 50/- and some of their homemade paaya soup. Thus in one stroke, we will be 
      • a)making our own streets safer for Indians who are trying to work for the country 
      • b)get rid of a major chunk of the unemployed jobless unproductive goons who've chosen to take to violence and beat afore-mentioned hard working Indians. 
      • c) Made a minor dent in the over-population problem.
      • Paaya soup! Woo Hoo!
      • Convicted rapists, you're gonna join them. Double Woo hoo! Free one way trip abroad!   
    • Minority appeasement: 25% deduction in taxes for bloggers with blogs greater than four years old.  
    • Pazham pori/banana fritters will be declared the national snack of India. (I have to appease my Kerala constituency also. Kindly adjust. It was either this or lime pickle with toddy.)
      I'm considering making it the party logo as well.

Unraveling the REAL scams: 

  • Every election, political parties bring up scams from the past to belittle their opponents. The fact is, by showcasing these old scams, the real scams of today are actually being suppressed. No more, my brothers from a million other mothers, no more! When I become PM, we will focus on what matters most to every Indian. 
    • Is Manmohan Singh just Rakhi Sawant with a bushy beard? You don't believe me? Well, has anyone ever seen the two of them together? Is MMS not talking only because we would instantly recognise Rakhi's accent? Is there not enough doubt for a CBI enquiry??
    • How did Sajid Khan get Jacqueline Fernandes? I mean, how? It doesn't make any... I can't imagine what she... I'm sorry, I can't... I just can't. *wipes single lonely tear from eyes*
      Jacqueline, if he's blackmailing you, blink twice...
    • Why is Ishant Sharma not the captain of the Indian team yet? He has tons of experience, more facial hair than Dumbledore and keeps an extra cricket ball inside his throat at all times to showcase his love for the game. He has no controversial girlfriends, does not bitch about his team mates and is loved by batsmen of all countries. So why this discrimination against him? Why dis Kolaveri di?
    • Is Arnab Goswami Wolverine? (Yes, he is. In the unedited video of his interview with my PM competitor, the 'young' fifty year old accidently spits on Arnab while animatedly trying to drive home the point that RTI, women and Honey yo-yo are all because of him. The spit, like all previous bullet wounds to the Wolverine just disappears. How? How? India wants to know!) 
      You don't want to make me angry, bubba...
    • Are Salman Khan's man-boobies divine girl magnets? I've tried to replicate his shirtless pose a hundred times. It always ended up with the women asking me to "shake 'em 'tatas!" like Mamta Kulkarni in Ghatak (remember this?). On a positive note, the money they threw at me for my boobie-dance is what has funded this campaign and paid for my Rolls Royce (Hot Wheels).

This is what I offer to India that others don't - no false rhethoric, no idle jousts with opponents. Just a clear cut manifesto. My 50 paise public relations manager (who is also my milkman... somebody else booked the 500 crore PR agency I wanted) has handed me the words below as my party's catchphrase, which I shall now release to the blogosphere. 

"Vote for me. 4 out of 5 toothists dentists recommend it*."
(*Yet to be verified.)

To my fellow competitors for the Prime Ministerial post, I have this to say...
"Don't misunderstandestimate the power-cut of the common man!! 
*insert growl here*"

See you soon at the Sabhas, everyone.
The one and only Sultan of Blogpuri... the third.

I wonder why some people had an
issue with this innocent campaign slogan. 

Blog note - 
  • You have been charged Rs 5/- for reading this article on the blog. Charges will be reimbursed to your account on sharing with fellow literates.
  • Godyears has not been paid to endorse the views of the above mentioned candidate. Any similarities between this guy and Rajnikanth are purely coincidental.*
(*Yet to be verified.)


Rohan said…
That was epic stuff doc!!! It's been such a long time since I read anything like this that actually made me laugh out loud!! :P
Missed these kinda posts!!
Soumya said…
Hahahahahahahahahahahaa! This was so worth the loooooooong read :D

And the blog note, was epic :)
Bhavia said…
ROFL!! Sharing
Loved it.
And the pazham pori thing, I would prefer toddy with lime pickle,so I will not vote for you unless you either change pazham pori to toddy or you make me the finance minister.
Nisha said…
Awesomeeeeeeeeeeee!!! I vote for you the Sultan of Blogpuri the Third!! There were so many laughs in there :)
I just love your cabinet and the stuff you will do for us (the minority!)
Ritu said…
Dear Congress, BJP and AAP ... and how can I forget the 3rd Front, move over, this is the party my vote goes to. (Psst: I am angling for a party seat without fighting an election)
You're right... it has been a long time since I tried this out... I missed it too. Luckily, these people give me a chance to refresh my skills every once in a while :D
Now, go to the canteen and start screaming our slogan - 'Pazham Pozhi Zindabad!!'
Thanks Soumya... yes, it was sadly a bit long. What to do... we Prime Ministers have to speak our minds and be clear on our party manifestos or else we end up like... well, 'certain other ruling parties' :D
I can't change the pazham pori thing... think of all the lost slogans (Jerry Maguire's "Show me the money" becomes "Show me the Bananas!" etc etc
Also, I can't kick Amisha Patel out... how about I give you something significant like 'Censor Board' of Bollywood? I can totally manage it once I become PM!
Thank you... minority appeasement is very necessary according to all parties today. I'm just doing my bit for that. Anyway, here, have a Rolls Royce toy. I'm very generous, you see.
Tell all your fellow 'four year plus bloggers' to come by and vote for me.
Jai Banana Fritters ki.
Thank you Ritu... so heartening to see another long time blogger come over to our side.
Yes, yes... party seat assured... along with party hat, party decorations and party cake also!!
Bolo Jai Banana Fritters ki :D
Sreeja Praveen said…
OMG :D Chirippichu, chinthippichu is what I would like to say :D You said it, no one knows India better than the little girl in Polka dots frock :) And I love Banana fritters, so I'll definitely vote for you.... and probably this is the only guy who can frighten Rajinikanth :D :D :D
One thing is not clear, whether pazham pori will be given free to us voters (daily, for four years, except when we are suffering from indigestion) if we elect you. My vote depends on that sole point. Please clarify so that I can decide.
Vidya Sury said…
Hehehe. You are a laugh riot, Roshan. I thought you wrote this for one of the contests on IB. :D Mmm. Banana fritters.
Seriously, those guys at Amul have a better sense of India's wants and needs than the politicians themselves!
Thank you for your vote... just a million more of these and I'm in the Prime Ministers chair (they will have to re enforce it to fit my big butt!)
As per Article 29.Label 2 (on page 28 after the 'How many kilometers from Washington DC to Miami beach CBI jaanch demand), we clearly state that 'pazham pori will be given free to all those who vote for the period of 4 years or 48 months, whichever comes sooner.' Furthermore, in appendix B2, we clearly state that 'in the event of indigestion or medical certificate documenting banana allergy, voter will be given the choice of arri unda or moru curry (250ml) on daily basis.
Kindly vote and share with fellow banana fritter enthusiasts and patriots.
Bolo Jai Banana Fritters Ki.
Pheno Menon said…
Yep this post is bananas all the way..snort snicker :D

I've given up on such small contests... now, I'm aiming for the big fish (not to be mistaken with the pomfret I ate today)... I mean, the Prime Ministers post.
Bhavya said…
This was hilarious! :D Outrageously so :D
And man am I craving for a pazhampori right now :(
Good. That was the look we were going for... The 'Banana Republic' look :D
As mentioned in my reply to Jeena above, vote for us and you will get free pazhampori for next 4 years or 48 months, whichever comes sooner.
Jai Pazhampori Ki!
Anonymous said…
Heelayreeyus!! Roshan, you do deserve the candidature just because you make this case here...and I love the campaign symbol.

Good luck with the results and you better transfer those Rs. 5 in my account now :)
Kathy Combs said…
Seems like you have a plan. I think you should take office immediately...if not sooner. :D
Alka Gurha said…
LOL, Ameesha and ACP Pradyuman. I am gonna vote this time! Kab hai, bolo kab hai voting?
Aathira Nair said…
Yay for Pazham porri :)
Danny Simon said…
YOu can strike one more dentist off that list macho man, you ain't getting my vote!
i am voting for u.............no modi no raga.........................
Renuka said…
Roshan, I am for ACP Pradyuman, but please induct the rest of the CID gang. Then you get my vote!
Karanth S R said…
:D Oh... our future prime minister, his vision for India, his cabinet, party symbol, and the things u r offering for voters!!! mind blowing....... :D
Pink Mango Tree said…
ROFL... hilarious! I have not read something as funny as this in a long time! Now I know... BlogAdda has a point; no wonder they picked you as one of the best five blogs in India! :p :p :p
Where is my comment...? I asked , WHERE IS MY COMMENT !!!
By the way awesome ..epic post doc...laughed my heart out! .Especially the pazham pori as party logo part..! Pazhampori has no such definite shape so how will you decide :D Also to butter your Malayali constituency, you can also consider toddy as a national drink. ! I am going to read this post once more... hilarious..>!
Great. My vote is for you :)
Awesome blog, Roshan. Makes you laugh and think at the same time. I mean, frankly speaking, this is what we actually deserve for the mess we have created for ourselves.
One request though. With such MPs could I get a honorary seat in the parliament with an unlimited supply of the pazham puris??? Ohh and don't bother about 'em booty shakin queens... Ur gonna lose out on em anyways!
Awesome blog, Roshan. Makes you laugh and think at the same time. I mean, frankly speaking, this is what we actually deserve for the mess we have created for ourselves.
One request though. With such MPs could I get a honorary seat in the parliament with an unlimited supply of the pazham puris??? Ohh and don't bother about 'em booty shakin queens... Ur gonna lose out on em anyways!
Shimna Gafoor said…
Awesome.... A real fun read!! Can't stop laughing... My vote's for u!! Pazham pori zindabad.... ;)
Myriadrainbowhues, I'm glad you approve.. that's one more vote for us and one step closer for the bananas towards the Holy Chair!
Regarding the Rs 5/-, we will definitely consider your request and send it back to you at the earliest. Kindly write down your request on a Rs 1000/- note and send it to me so that I have your request on an official file.
I'm more than willing... but that present guy (the bearded Rakhi Sawant, as you and I both know!) refuses to leave.
Whenever those other PM candidates are ready, I am as well! With such a stellar group in my cabinet, how could I possibly lose!?
Jai Pazhampori Ki!
I should start making hats with bananas on top, I guess.
NOooooooooo!!! You can't leave us! Then it will be only 3 out of 5 dentists!! I demand a CBI PROBE into the reasons behind this... if not CBI, atleast CIDs Ramdas and Vijayan should investigate!
Silent Assassin!! With you onboard, now success is ensured!
Jai Pazhampori Ki!
Hmm... you drive a hard bargain. Fine, we will induct them all. But only 5 banana fritters a day for the whole gang... they will have to share amongst themselves!
Yes, yes... spread the word. Let the world know that there is finally a worthy sophisticated leader for India. *straightens tie, lifts lungi to knees and goes to kitchen and starts making more banana fritters over big cauldron of oil*
Thanks Shalini :D
For that, you will get an extra bisi bele bath (now that you are a Bangalorean and have ditched ur Mallu roots!)
Jai Pazhampori Ki!
We will not discriminate against shapes and sizes of pazhamporis!
Didn't you ever hear the pledge -"All pazham poris are my bananas and their sisters! I love my pazham pori and I am proud of its rich and varied heritage..."
Plans to make toddy as the national drink were stopped by the lobby supporting 'Sprint'... (Malabar's version of Sprite).
Same problem with making Sadhoo Beedi the national beedi of India!
Thanks :D
Jai Banana Fritters Ki !
Considering some of the candidates, I feel I have just as good a chance :D
Honorary seat, eh? Look... considering the kind of people we've allowed into the Parliament in the past, giving the seat away is not at all an issue.
But this demand for unlimited pazham pozhis... I'm not sure we can accomodate such high handed requests. After all, we are not the Mango People Party who promises wayward rewards for voting us in... we are the Banana Fritter Party!
BK Chowla, said…
You can keep trying,but,I will vote for Amisha
jaish_vats said…
Awesome post RoShan. Aloknath day ?? Hi hi and yes, I support pazham pori .Absolutely hilarious post .
Danny Simon said…
Hmmmm... then you will force me to send my secret agent Mr. Pavanayi!!
Anonymous said…
Awesome Post! :D Jai jai pazham pori!!! Lol
Thanks Shimna! As a fellow Kannurian, your support is heartening! Bolo Pazham pori ki... Jai!
Sirrrrr !! Nahi ! I will have to fight you for her affections! I suggest a dance-off like in the 80s films!
Wow... I might actually win this election at this rate!
Zor se bolo... Jai Pazham pori ki!
Oh no!! the main weapon of AnantanNambiar! Help! No other option but to flee to America. Paul Barbar, here I come!
tulika singh said…
This was truly epic stuff. Of course I'm sharing... Saved that Rs 5.
damn... there goes my Poppins money for today!
Rachna said…
Super awesome post, doc! Glad to know that we have such an 'able' candidate in you. Cabinet solid hain, boss :). Amisha Patel -- wah wah! Aur freebies toh kya baat. Hilarious post :). See I put the comment once more. Kabhi baad mein penalty loongi for deleting my comment.
Deepa said…
You have my vote for sure, Sultan! That was hilarious! Toddy, indeed! ACP Pradyuman and Abhishek Bachhan tickled my funny bone! If only all of this would come true - anyway, not like anything's happening - might as well have some entertainment :P
Yes ji. We apologize for the inconvenience. As a show of respect, we will only be charging you Rs 2.50/- for putting the comment for the second time. 50% off. Also, one extra banana fritter for you on all new national holidays.
Its good to see everyone approves of my cabinet, which is more than I can say for other parties presently, eh? And I think these guys would make a kick-ass Parliament... would actually get some work done!
Anonymous said…
Roshan, my sides are aching from laughing! Brilliant!
Binu Thomas said…
This is one of the best post I have read anywhere in this big beautiful world of blogging! You are supposed to heal ppl from their pains / troubles. Not induce them with body pain by making them read and laugh with every single line doctor! :) And abt 5 rupees, we are meeting soon. Will settle it :P
:D I have no idea why.. its such a serious manifesto! May the Banana Power be with you!
Haha.. thanks Binu. And yes... I will accept the 5 rupees in cheque format please.. all white money for the banana people!
Amrit Sinha said…
My vote would surely go for you :-p
Thanks Amrit... closer and closer to Parliament, I go!
Anonymous said…
Pazham pori is my symbol. Don't dare to snatch it ;)
Reema D'souza said…
Awesome! This post was one of the best I've read. Good luck with your attempt to get into the parliament. Btw who is your candidate from my constituency? :-P first time voter- so don't want my vote to go in vain :-P
Epic. Absolutely epic. One of your best posts IMO and that's saying something. Just wish that I had read this before going to vote today morning. Damn it.
O ho! Just for false publicity, people come up and start controversies! I quit from the post of Chief Minister... ayyo sorry. I forgot, I am already aiming for Prime Minister!
We are trying to get somebody with the same standard and intellect of previous ministers from your area... so for now, that would be Alia Bhatt or Chota Bheem.
Sigh... one vote less for us. On the plus side, one less mouth to feed pazham poris to!
Ankita Singhal said…
Hahaha I just laughed all the way through. Your writing style is superb, making points in the most witty funny way. Would have voted for you.. definitely. And yes your crush on Amisha is purely coincidental :D
sigh... missed my chance to be a Prime Minister cause of lack of publicity, eh? Fine, next time I hire you as my campaign strategist.