- December 31, 2006
- 21 Comments
Be it ever so late, the year-end tabloids are here.It's time 
to see what happened during the holiday season that merited a raised eyebrow, don't you think ; time to find out what the Mexicans, an Egyptian dog, an American President,a Spanish Euro, a singer's gynaec and your granddad's walking stick did to enter TABLOID DECEMBER.
Bush Balls : Did you hear about Bush and the mental patient ? No, it's not a case of twins. Apparently, a Palestinian mental patient was arrested and put on trial for eXpressing a desire to castrate His Holiness, George Bush. Despite taking into account his mental capacity ( and the fact that he lives, like, 2000 miles away from Bush and has no means of reaching him ), the court nevertheless sentenced him to 7 months in jail. Bush must have raised a toast in Air Force One when he heard how 'justice had prevailed'. Atleast,that is, till his bodyguard tapped him in the back and mentioned a tiny insignificant detail - our mental patient had already spent 8 months in jail waiting for the case to hit the courtroom - he walked out as soon as the trial ended - a free man!!!! Last heard - the CIA and NSA have been put on 24/7 surveillance of a randomly assigned testicle, my sources tell me.
Britney Presents : Oh Britney Britney!! My fav blonde bimbo is just so ...blonde. She started the month scared shitless of whether Fed-EX would release her sex tape. As it turns out, he didn't. So what does Britney go and do ? Celebrate how her dignity and izzat was saved by partying with Paris Hilton and promptly appearing on the tabloid front page drunk, WITH NO UNDERWEAR !! Oh well, Atleast, she chose professional help, what with Paris being the queen of these kind of slips. What, you wanted to make up for the video tape that never was by showing your fans what they missed ?? Her gynaecologist was pretty pleased though, I believe - he didn't have to make his monthly rounds to her place. He gave her the thumbs up over the phone, I hear. Ah!! Modern medicine.
Goodo Inventiono : Breasts aren't spared too. In Japan, those lovely, ever-dignified, ever bowing, ever inventing gentlemen have now invented a new age bra. This bra not only does what it's normally meant to do, but actually has a compartment which, when required, can be expanded to form a shopping bag, thus reducing the need for using plastic bags, thus saving the environment. I don't know about you guys, but I want to shake the hand of the Japanese team behind this invention. I mean, how on Earth do you think of putting shopping bags into bras ? Can you imagine the number of men in Japan waiting at the Wal-Marto with their video mobiles or whatever new age gizmo they have out there, just to get videos of women stuffing their groceries into their bras ?? Sigh. I guess the golden days of Japanese inventions is gone. But hey, atleast they're environment (and men) friendly now.
Robbing Grandpa : Elsewhere, one of the world's oldest ice hockey sticks , reportly carved between 1852-56, was sold at an auction for a meagre 2.2 million dollars. 2.2 million dollars. That's roughly 102 crore rupees, Indian. For an old stick. Get my drift ? Get off your asses, leave the room and go steal Grandpa's walking cane and rocking chair right now. Consider it an investment for your children - it'll probably pay for their college fees 20 years on. If you have any old cuckoo clocks, radios, the keyboard-formerly-known-as-typewriter or maybe those Casio game-and-watches.. dude, retire at 35 years. You're set for life, anyway.
Pension after puberty : Speaking of retirement, swimmer Ian Phelps retired last month. Awww, so sad, so bad..SO WHAT ?? Duh !! He's 25 years old. Since when is 25 years an age to retire ? What're you trying to do - kill me with an inferiority complex !?! As if breaking world records doesn't dent my 'same aged' ego enough, while my life's moment of glory remains winning the coveted Besurdas. ( it's a singing event, ok...the worst singer award ) Besides, what do you do after retiring at the age of 25 ? Knit woolly clothes for the unborn kids from your yet-to-meet wife ?
Madrid Moolah : How is a wad of single euros worth millions ? Simple. Get them from Spain. A study of bank notes taken from various parts of Spain detected the presence of cocaine in no less than 94 % of all bank notes there!!! 94% !! Man ! Cocaine sells on the streets at 60 euros a gram and I guess some of the notes used for snorting came back with quite a bit into the banks.Street dealers must be pissed though - after all, the bank is 'moving in on their turf now.' The amount of cocaine you can pick up from it would come in handy if your granddad isn't parting with his walking cane, me thinks. It's like a savings fund for your coke - pay a lot the first time around, get some coke back with your next cash withdrawal.
DemoCrapcy : Of course, where stupidity awards go, we stand unsurpassed. An Indian weekly did a survey and concluded that the overwhelming majority of Indians ( 3 in every 4) loved Mr Abdul Kalam and would love to have ol' Silver Locks back as President for a second term. I agree, of course. But the same article then came up with a shocker of a disclosure. The Holy Political Trinity ( the pacifist, the aggressor and the red sickles ) all love him too and speak of him in glowing poetic terms... but none of them were ready to vote for him for a second term. And guess whose vote matters when choosing the President ? Theirs, of course. Wow, that is so cool - we elect people to represent us and these people tell us they won't choose the guy we all want because he's too nice. That's the spirit. Out with the good, in with the crap. Why don't we just hand over the country to the border terrorists on a platter ? Atleast then we can fall back on the 'videshi haath' excuse.
El Hombre Stupido : Borders reminded me of a fun story my American Idol ( Jay Leno ) told in his show. Apparently, the alien problem in USA is getting out of hand. I'm talking of the millions of Mexican immigrants crossing the border illegally into USA. So what did USA do ? They chalked out an elaborate plan to make a huge wall separating the South from Mexico. Can you imagine the size of that wall for it to include the breadth of Mexico ? And we're talking a pretty freaking tall wall too, not just barbed wire and guards. Anyway, the twist in the tale is this - the company that got assigned the job of building this wall got pulled up by the federal authorities. Why ? For using Mexican illegal immigrants to construct this wall ! Sheesh !!Can you say "Dumb ass" in Mexican !?!
Crap!!! : And finally an age old mystery was solved in the last week of December that has haunted a nation and been the focus of many textbooks and movies. But first, let me tell you about the incident - A sniffer dog assigned to checking on airports and planes for bombs ended up costing the Egyptian government a hefty packet. Well, the poor pooch kinda performed his 'natural' duties while performing his duties aboard the plane ..yup, he "pooped" while sniffing for bombs ( gives a whole new twist to 'shit scared', doesn't it ? ) Anyway, the pilot and crew refused to let the plane leave till the plane was sanitised , leading to a major clean up and reimbursement to the passengers. The final bill - close to $ 100,000 apparently !! You see, now the Egyptians and historians finally get it - this is why Tutankhamen and Cleopatra preferred cats to dogs!!! Ironic how the plane staff talk about being disgusted though - now they know what we feel when we see the aeroplane food !!!
to see what happened during the holiday season that merited a raised eyebrow, don't you think ; time to find out what the Mexicans, an Egyptian dog, an American President,a Spanish Euro, a singer's gynaec and your granddad's walking stick did to enter TABLOID DECEMBER.Bush Balls : Did you hear about Bush and the mental patient ? No, it's not a case of twins. Apparently, a Palestinian mental patient was arrested and put on trial for eXpressing a desire to castrate His Holiness, George Bush. Despite taking into account his mental capacity ( and the fact that he lives, like, 2000 miles away from Bush and has no means of reaching him ), the court nevertheless sentenced him to 7 months in jail. Bush must have raised a toast in Air Force One when he heard how 'justice had prevailed'. Atleast,that is, till his bodyguard tapped him in the back and mentioned a tiny insignificant detail - our mental patient had already spent 8 months in jail waiting for the case to hit the courtroom - he walked out as soon as the trial ended - a free man!!!! Last heard - the CIA and NSA have been put on 24/7 surveillance of a randomly assigned testicle, my sources tell me.
Britney Presents : Oh Britney Britney!! My fav blonde bimbo is just so ...blonde. She started the month scared shitless of whether Fed-EX would release her sex tape. As it turns out, he didn't. So what does Britney go and do ? Celebrate how her dignity and izzat was saved by partying with Paris Hilton and promptly appearing on the tabloid front page drunk, WITH NO UNDERWEAR !! Oh well, Atleast, she chose professional help, what with Paris being the queen of these kind of slips. What, you wanted to make up for the video tape that never was by showing your fans what they missed ?? Her gynaecologist was pretty pleased though, I believe - he didn't have to make his monthly rounds to her place. He gave her the thumbs up over the phone, I hear. Ah!! Modern medicine.
Goodo Inventiono : Breasts aren't spared too. In Japan, those lovely, ever-dignified, ever bowing, ever inventing gentlemen have now invented a new age bra. This bra not only does what it's normally meant to do, but actually has a compartment which, when required, can be expanded to form a shopping bag, thus reducing the need for using plastic bags, thus saving the environment. I don't know about you guys, but I want to shake the hand of the Japanese team behind this invention. I mean, how on Earth do you think of putting shopping bags into bras ? Can you imagine the number of men in Japan waiting at the Wal-Marto with their video mobiles or whatever new age gizmo they have out there, just to get videos of women stuffing their groceries into their bras ?? Sigh. I guess the golden days of Japanese inventions is gone. But hey, atleast they're environment (and men) friendly now.
Robbing Grandpa : Elsewhere, one of the world's oldest ice hockey sticks , reportly carved between 1852-56, was sold at an auction for a meagre 2.2 million dollars. 2.2 million dollars. That's roughly 102 crore rupees, Indian. For an old stick. Get my drift ? Get off your asses, leave the room and go steal Grandpa's walking cane and rocking chair right now. Consider it an investment for your children - it'll probably pay for their college fees 20 years on. If you have any old cuckoo clocks, radios, the keyboard-formerly-known-as-typewriter or maybe those Casio game-and-watches.. dude, retire at 35 years. You're set for life, anyway.
Pension after puberty : Speaking of retirement, swimmer Ian Phelps retired last month. Awww, so sad, so bad..SO WHAT ?? Duh !! He's 25 years old. Since when is 25 years an age to retire ? What're you trying to do - kill me with an inferiority complex !?! As if breaking world records doesn't dent my 'same aged' ego enough, while my life's moment of glory remains winning the coveted Besurdas. ( it's a singing event, ok...the worst singer award ) Besides, what do you do after retiring at the age of 25 ? Knit woolly clothes for the unborn kids from your yet-to-meet wife ?
Madrid Moolah : How is a wad of single euros worth millions ? Simple. Get them from Spain. A study of bank notes taken from various parts of Spain detected the presence of cocaine in no less than 94 % of all bank notes there!!! 94% !! Man ! Cocaine sells on the streets at 60 euros a gram and I guess some of the notes used for snorting came back with quite a bit into the banks.Street dealers must be pissed though - after all, the bank is 'moving in on their turf now.' The amount of cocaine you can pick up from it would come in handy if your granddad isn't parting with his walking cane, me thinks. It's like a savings fund for your coke - pay a lot the first time around, get some coke back with your next cash withdrawal.
DemoCrapcy : Of course, where stupidity awards go, we stand unsurpassed. An Indian weekly did a survey and concluded that the overwhelming majority of Indians ( 3 in every 4) loved Mr Abdul Kalam and would love to have ol' Silver Locks back as President for a second term. I agree, of course. But the same article then came up with a shocker of a disclosure. The Holy Political Trinity ( the pacifist, the aggressor and the red sickles ) all love him too and speak of him in glowing poetic terms... but none of them were ready to vote for him for a second term. And guess whose vote matters when choosing the President ? Theirs, of course. Wow, that is so cool - we elect people to represent us and these people tell us they won't choose the guy we all want because he's too nice. That's the spirit. Out with the good, in with the crap. Why don't we just hand over the country to the border terrorists on a platter ? Atleast then we can fall back on the 'videshi haath' excuse.
El Hombre Stupido : Borders reminded me of a fun story my American Idol ( Jay Leno ) told in his show. Apparently, the alien problem in USA is getting out of hand. I'm talking of the millions of Mexican immigrants crossing the border illegally into USA. So what did USA do ? They chalked out an elaborate plan to make a huge wall separating the South from Mexico. Can you imagine the size of that wall for it to include the breadth of Mexico ? And we're talking a pretty freaking tall wall too, not just barbed wire and guards. Anyway, the twist in the tale is this - the company that got assigned the job of building this wall got pulled up by the federal authorities. Why ? For using Mexican illegal immigrants to construct this wall ! Sheesh !!Can you say "Dumb ass" in Mexican !?!
Crap!!! : And finally an age old mystery was solved in the last week of December that has haunted a nation and been the focus of many textbooks and movies. But first, let me tell you about the incident - A sniffer dog assigned to checking on airports and planes for bombs ended up costing the Egyptian government a hefty packet. Well, the poor pooch kinda performed his 'natural' duties while performing his duties aboard the plane ..yup, he "pooped" while sniffing for bombs ( gives a whole new twist to 'shit scared', doesn't it ? ) Anyway, the pilot and crew refused to let the plane leave till the plane was sanitised , leading to a major clean up and reimbursement to the passengers. The final bill - close to $ 100,000 apparently !! You see, now the Egyptians and historians finally get it - this is why Tutankhamen and Cleopatra preferred cats to dogs!!! Ironic how the plane staff talk about being disgusted though - now they know what we feel when we see the aeroplane food !!!
- December 28, 2006
- 7 Comments
From
Santa Claus
Ceo
Christmas,
North Pole,
Arctic
ToThe Elves
The floor below me
Toys 'R' "actually" us Inc.
North Pole
Arctic
Sub : Boost in team morale, Clarifications
With regard to earlier memos -
Friends and inferiors,
It has come to my notice that a lot of rumours have been running riot over the last couple of weeks across various faculties here in the North Pole, causing a serious drop in morale. This is very distressing, considering it's our time of glory again. It is thus, with great hope, that I wish to clear the muddy ice here and set the records straight on all the gossip going around.
- Yes, this year, we have decided NOT to handle any more deliveries of stuffed toys , cuddly bears and smiley toys. With the Health Inspectors coming down strongly on us due to the high risk of germ transfer from the fur, all stuffed toys are cancelled from kids wish list. To ensure customer satisfaction, we will be replacing all requests for stuffed cuddly toys with Magnums, .357s and other hand guns along with live ammunition. This is in accordance with our new policy to promote self defence among small kids in the big bad world down below. It has nothing, I repeat, NOTHING to do with our 'alleged' tie-up with the masked Arab jehadis who were in my office with huge crates last week. Remember, the kids safety comes first. Anyone who disagrees may meet me personally in my office where I still keep my Kalishnikov Ak-47.
- Free underwear will INDEED be given away at retail price during the Elves Christmas eve party. This is to recover the huge losses sustained due to the sudden decrease in demand for undies after the blonde singer / mom made it a fashion of not wearing any. Rest assured, she will pay for this. Any Christmas requests for her albums ( if any ) will not be entertained..the above requests are to be replaced with her ex-hubby's Cds ( presently being used as tea coasters in the Mail department. )
- Yes, Rudolph the reindeer will be more politically correct worldwide this year around after concerns of his "inclinations" were raised last year. He will indeed retain his Red Nose in China, Russia and certain areas in Kerala and West Bengal in India. He will however, have a Green Nose in Pakistan, a Saffron nose in India, a lime yellow in Kangaroo land and red-n-blue stripes in the US of A. He will also have a fluorescent thong while in Brazil, keeping in mind the Mardi Gras flavour required in Christmas festivities 'down there'.
- By 'Down there', I was referring to Brazil, not any anatomic region, as my secretary has just pointed out.
- In light of the infamous "Christmas of '05" incident involving a drunk Mrs Santa and an ex- employee of this department ( now boiling eggs for the Easter bunny ), this year while I'm away on Christmas distributing goodies, hope and trust around the world, Mrs Santa WILL be wearing a chastity belt . Kindly refrain from sticking your candy canes where they are not permitted ; no matter what Mrs Claus requests.
- It is imperitive that applicants for filling my place in department stores and schools know the basics about me - for instance, I am not Santa of 'Santa and Banta' fame, not Santa CLAWS, the jungle cat. Neither am I Tim Allen - he just played me in the movies, not vice versa. 'Santa' is also not just Da Vinci's anagram of 'SATAN' as has suggested by Dan Brown in his upcoming novel. The fact that I too wear red is a coincidence .I'm a jolly fat guy, not the devil. Grrrr !!!!
- It would be much appreciated if proper back ground checks were conducted on the people portraying me in department stores atleast this time around. Sex offenders and convicts on death row are NOT to be allowed to portray me this time. Colombian and Cuban Santas with suspicious white powder packets must be kept 'under surveillance' too.
- In predominantly African American regions, it is better not to laugh with a "Ho' ", experience has taught me. ( the cracked ribs have healed fine, incidentally ). Instead, just giggle girlishly. The thugs will leave you in peace then. Or so I hope.
Yours sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Website : I know if you've been naughty or nice, so you better watch out.blogspot.com
Ph : +97150-2512-BC ( base shifted to Dubai from 2006 because that's where all the franchises are heading )
P.S. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE !!!
- December 23, 2006
- 6 Comments
| Cricket: This is the # 10 batsman Sreesanth, of India, responding to the South African Andre Nel's comment "Man, just don't swing your bat, have a heart to hit the ball", by hitting the very next ball for the maximum six runs and by showing his "heart" in front of Nel's face.....Great to watch as long as your name ain't Nel !!! | |
- December 21, 2006
- 3 Comments
Consider what we know :
Which brings up an interesting question - what if it were Satya Sai Baba or Mata Amritanandamayi making the Taj disappear and reappear ? Would it not be called a sign of DIVINITY then ? Would not their devotees, publications and Tv channels go overboard showing the world how this was proof they were Gods ? Right now, making powdery ash appear is considered a sign of divinity. Right now, turning water into a sweet dish is considered a sign of divinity. Can you imagine what the frenzy would be like if they did a Sorkar ?
But I do know that calling them God is a stretch. Is 'Chris Angel' the Devil then, just because he chooses to sell his wares and Rock Cds by appearing spooky ? He too does his version of mind reading, disappearing bunnies and levitation. And yet, we know he ain't God. So why is it
when the holy ash suddenly adorns someones head, they become God ?
I confess I do not know enough despite a lot of research over the last few months, but I know this much - God does not make mistakes. He does not discriminate. He does not walk past ailing children without minding them, just so that he can make gold chains for the American Ambassador sitting a row ahead. He doesn't have sex with devotees. She does not
let people die in the tsunami she should have known was coming, and then claim after throwing a part of her dress into the raging waters, that she quelled a natural disaster.
They do not discriminate against those who prefer to believe in other established religions, then accept these 'others' once they accept them as God. That is a barrier created by man,after all, not God. A person who claims to be God, by logic, isn't. It's as simple as that. Wearing the clothes does not make you God, just as going to the zoo does not make you a penguin ( Quote sound familiar ? Guess. )
An argument which came up when I discussed this with friends was that these Godmen were helping a lot of people with schools, hospitals etc. Wasn't that the main thing, in the end ? I'm sorry, but no, it isn't even close. Because the very foundation is one of falsehood. In the last
decade, the Churches have taken a major beating with so many incidents of sexual abuse of young children by priests all over the world. It shook so many people's faith and required a lot of damage control and soul searching from within the Church. Those were priests, God's messengers who betrayed God for simpler pleasures. Yet, the faith of people was painted a murky hue of disillusionment. When this was the fate because of crimes committed by God's messengers, what about when the so called Gods themselves are proven to be frauds ? How big a crime is that ? Does a kindergarden admission or free pain killers make up for fooling people into trusting you with their most valuable of belongings - their religion, their belief ?
How much longer will this continue ? Oh, long after you and I are gone, rest assured of that: People's need to believe, the need to feel that they are just an arm's distance from God, that God has personally forgiven them for their sins, cash be damned ; that is something no science
can overcome. There isn't really enough proof in the world which could convince a believer that he's wrong : that his God is a living man who is as prone to diseases as you and I. That all my Orkut friends know more languages than these Gods is a moot point as are so many other visible flaws.. because of the Need to Believe.
Aliens are generally considered to be superior beings to Humans. Other worldy forms, they seem similar to us, yet are so different and easily identifiable when spotted. Reports on their effects following human contact is debatable - some claim that aliens have healed them of their
ailments, while many 'abductees' speak of torture and mind control. Weirdly, many speak of sexual abuse too. Whatever the truth, there is either an air of awe or revulsion when the topic is introduced and everyone who has been around one has claimed to have been changed by the
experience, for better or worse. Now here's the kicker : Replace the word "Aliens" with "Godmen" and read the paragraph again.
Weird, huh ? Not that there is any connection, but it just seemed a funny coincidence.
He's wheelchair bound. She's a diabetic. He makes gold amulets appear from his mouth while holy ash apparates from his hands. She claims to be the reason the tsunami was stopped in its tracks in 2004. They earn billions every month. They are revered by the country's biggest heads. He is no longer welcome in some of the biggest and most powerful nations in the world, following allegations of sexual abuse with children. She has been linked to many murders, including that of her own blood, en route to her path to fame. The court cases, registered, will never reach a courtroom. Because they are God.
The recent case of the Ghaziabad God, arrested after a news channel uncovered incidents of him raping minor orphans in his ashram ( with statements from the children and the workers there ) was made more disgusting by the fact that his devotees mobbed the court to scream their
support for this God, the proof and charges notwithstanding.Even that scion of women's Lib, Renuka Chaudary, did not dare lift a finger against him when beseeched for help because it would involve going up against this Godman. Thank God the NGOs stepped in finally to lend some sense to this drama. Anyway, it led to an interesting debate that weekend on the
news channel regarding Godmen and blind faith.
While the two big guns refrained from making an appearance or giving a recorded statement, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar joined a bunch of Local Gods , including a Pilot Baba ( a pilot who found out he was God : I'm guessing 'air deprivation at a high altitude' ) to lend their knowledge on the
living Gods of today. I was shocked when one spoke candidly of having had sex with devotees, claiming it was during his journey in the road to enlightenment. Wow ! That has got to be the best "get a girl into bed" line yet, I guess. Enlighten me, Baby!!!
Another interesting anecdote came from P.C.Sorkar, the powder faced magician. He spoke of how he visited India's number one Godman incognito ( Incognito ! I'm guessing that means no make up.. i mean, who'd recognise him then !? ). He wanted to watch the miracles up close and personal apparently. His conclusion - a poor fraud. He likened the powder tricks and the gold figurines appearing as cheap parlour tricks which any good magician can do and was extremely disillusioned at the end. This, from a guy, who deals with making objects much larger than ash appear and disappear - from elephants to the Taj Mahal !
ailments, while many 'abductees' speak of torture and mind control. Weirdly, many speak of sexual abuse too. Whatever the truth, there is either an air of awe or revulsion when the topic is introduced and everyone who has been around one has claimed to have been changed by the
experience, for better or worse. Now here's the kicker : Replace the word "Aliens" with "Godmen" and read the paragraph again.
Weird, huh ? Not that there is any connection, but it just seemed a funny coincidence.
He's wheelchair bound. She's a diabetic. He makes gold amulets appear from his mouth while holy ash apparates from his hands. She claims to be the reason the tsunami was stopped in its tracks in 2004. They earn billions every month. They are revered by the country's biggest heads. He is no longer welcome in some of the biggest and most powerful nations in the world, following allegations of sexual abuse with children. She has been linked to many murders, including that of her own blood, en route to her path to fame. The court cases, registered, will never reach a courtroom. Because they are God.The recent case of the Ghaziabad God, arrested after a news channel uncovered incidents of him raping minor orphans in his ashram ( with statements from the children and the workers there ) was made more disgusting by the fact that his devotees mobbed the court to scream their
support for this God, the proof and charges notwithstanding.Even that scion of women's Lib, Renuka Chaudary, did not dare lift a finger against him when beseeched for help because it would involve going up against this Godman. Thank God the NGOs stepped in finally to lend some sense to this drama. Anyway, it led to an interesting debate that weekend on the
news channel regarding Godmen and blind faith.
While the two big guns refrained from making an appearance or giving a recorded statement, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar joined a bunch of Local Gods , including a Pilot Baba ( a pilot who found out he was God : I'm guessing 'air deprivation at a high altitude' ) to lend their knowledge on the
living Gods of today. I was shocked when one spoke candidly of having had sex with devotees, claiming it was during his journey in the road to enlightenment. Wow ! That has got to be the best "get a girl into bed" line yet, I guess. Enlighten me, Baby!!!
Another interesting anecdote came from P.C.Sorkar, the powder faced magician. He spoke of how he visited India's number one Godman incognito ( Incognito ! I'm guessing that means no make up.. i mean, who'd recognise him then !? ). He wanted to watch the miracles up close and personal apparently. His conclusion - a poor fraud. He likened the powder tricks and the gold figurines appearing as cheap parlour tricks which any good magician can do and was extremely disillusioned at the end. This, from a guy, who deals with making objects much larger than ash appear and disappear - from elephants to the Taj Mahal !
Which brings up an interesting question - what if it were Satya Sai Baba or Mata Amritanandamayi making the Taj disappear and reappear ? Would it not be called a sign of DIVINITY then ? Would not their devotees, publications and Tv channels go overboard showing the world how this was proof they were Gods ? Right now, making powdery ash appear is considered a sign of divinity. Right now, turning water into a sweet dish is considered a sign of divinity. Can you imagine what the frenzy would be like if they did a Sorkar ? Quite significant here is the fact that none of India's premier Godmen are ready to perform these 'miracles' under a controlled scientific environment. The excuses given range from poor wording in the invitations to lack of time. No time in 25 years to show the world proof that what you do daily isn't an illusion. To me, I'm afraid, that sounds suspiciously, like a David Copperfield antic than a Godman who is confident of his/her divinity.
So how do they influence so many people in so many ways ? How do they turn themselves into such a franchise, ranging from cricket fields to schools, colleges, Tv channels and world tours ? Why do people end up weeping so freely in their presence, feeling themselves light hearted and
in a divine presence ? Is it because they are Gods or are there forces beyond what the normal eye observes ? Is it, infact, a dark art or mass hypnosis, rather than a spiritual ladder, as many news reporters & researchers have claimed after their investigations ? That answer sounds hollow to me itself, even as I write it, cause there are too many loose ends.
in a divine presence ? Is it because they are Gods or are there forces beyond what the normal eye observes ? Is it, infact, a dark art or mass hypnosis, rather than a spiritual ladder, as many news reporters & researchers have claimed after their investigations ? That answer sounds hollow to me itself, even as I write it, cause there are too many loose ends.
But I do know that calling them God is a stretch. Is 'Chris Angel' the Devil then, just because he chooses to sell his wares and Rock Cds by appearing spooky ? He too does his version of mind reading, disappearing bunnies and levitation. And yet, we know he ain't God. So why is it
when the holy ash suddenly adorns someones head, they become God ?
I confess I do not know enough despite a lot of research over the last few months, but I know this much - God does not make mistakes. He does not discriminate. He does not walk past ailing children without minding them, just so that he can make gold chains for the American Ambassador sitting a row ahead. He doesn't have sex with devotees. She does not
let people die in the tsunami she should have known was coming, and then claim after throwing a part of her dress into the raging waters, that she quelled a natural disaster.
They do not discriminate against those who prefer to believe in other established religions, then accept these 'others' once they accept them as God. That is a barrier created by man,after all, not God. A person who claims to be God, by logic, isn't. It's as simple as that. Wearing the clothes does not make you God, just as going to the zoo does not make you a penguin ( Quote sound familiar ? Guess. )
An argument which came up when I discussed this with friends was that these Godmen were helping a lot of people with schools, hospitals etc. Wasn't that the main thing, in the end ? I'm sorry, but no, it isn't even close. Because the very foundation is one of falsehood. In the last
decade, the Churches have taken a major beating with so many incidents of sexual abuse of young children by priests all over the world. It shook so many people's faith and required a lot of damage control and soul searching from within the Church. Those were priests, God's messengers who betrayed God for simpler pleasures. Yet, the faith of people was painted a murky hue of disillusionment. When this was the fate because of crimes committed by God's messengers, what about when the so called Gods themselves are proven to be frauds ? How big a crime is that ? Does a kindergarden admission or free pain killers make up for fooling people into trusting you with their most valuable of belongings - their religion, their belief ?
How much longer will this continue ? Oh, long after you and I are gone, rest assured of that: People's need to believe, the need to feel that they are just an arm's distance from God, that God has personally forgiven them for their sins, cash be damned ; that is something no sciencecan overcome. There isn't really enough proof in the world which could convince a believer that he's wrong : that his God is a living man who is as prone to diseases as you and I. That all my Orkut friends know more languages than these Gods is a moot point as are so many other visible flaws.. because of the Need to Believe.
As for me, well,I'm tired of watching these "made in Taiwan" duplis make a fool out of the public and a mockery of God. I'm tired of the "How dare you" looks and shrieks that accompany dealing with this topic and questioning Living Gods. I dare because I seek answers. Convince me that there is a reasoning behind the "proofs of falsehood", the "lack of scientific evidence in a controlled setting", the "court cases that never reach the court". Till then, gimme a David Blaine endurance episode anyday over these frauds. Atleast, he doesn't claim to be God, even after spending a week in a huge Aquarium or a couple of days frozen in ice. You know, I'd like to see our big 2 Godmen atleast replicate that, for a change. After all, it's not a miracle anymore, is it, now that a human has done it ?
Final thought :
She has been influencing people for over 2 decades. She too earns in billions. She too has her own institutions and magazines. She aims to bring happiness to the people and salvation to the bereaved. When a natural disaster struck her country, she too donated free houses and millions
to those who were left homeless. She too preaches unity and love for one another...so why is Oprah Winfrey not a God ?
Answer : Because she doesn't claim to be one.
Guess who's the smarter nation, after all ?
Final thought :
She has been influencing people for over 2 decades. She too earns in billions. She too has her own institutions and magazines. She aims to bring happiness to the people and salvation to the bereaved. When a natural disaster struck her country, she too donated free houses and millions
to those who were left homeless. She too preaches unity and love for one another...so why is Oprah Winfrey not a God ?
Answer : Because she doesn't claim to be one.
Guess who's the smarter nation, after all ?
- December 12, 2006
- 17 Comments
They're back. After squandering their millions and the villa in the Cayman islands on Old Monk rum stocks, the investigative team of ButtCrack were left with no other option than to go back to what they do best - finding the truth which is out there. So, when rumors of Bollywood's most expensive movie being shot in hiding hit the air, it was only natural that ButtCrack sent a Crack team to get to the Bottom of this rumor ( fine, fine no more puns ). A lesson (mockery ?) in brilliant deductive and investigative journalism ensued [ which involved sleeping with the spot boy and doodh wala at the sets of the movie ] leading to them reaching their main goal - the first and only draft of the most expensive script in Bollywood history. The following script has not been modified in any way or form. This is all there is. Comments by the directors and producers have been left behind as well to add an unnatural authenticity. This script is being revealed to the public , just so that they know that there is hope in Bollywood. That, and the fact that, ButtCrack have an insane debt to repay and loan sharks after their asses . Sponsors please pay donations in ButtCrack holes and boxes left at various department stores and franchises..
The Budget : Rs 50 crores and 75 paise only ( just enough to beat DevDas )
The Script :
20 years back
In a land far, far away from Mumbai, a Dad and Mom view the chaos surrounding them in their land. People killing each other, red flags everywhere, dictatorship the ruling hand. They fear for their baby's safety and so even as their land disintegrates, they put the child of destiny onto a plane and watch him fly away while they die of food poisoning. The child travels unaided (due to rude airhostesses) and lands in a new civilization in a place called UAE. He is adopted by 2 Indian shopkeepers who are unaware of his tremendous powers or where he has come from.
TITLE GRAPHICS :
RAM SAVE US BROTHERS presents
SHAKTIMAAN aur Ganga Ki Daag
POST INTERVAL -
Start with Flashback : Parents and child walk out of theatre show of Neal and Nikki. Dad is a famous judge, who dances in streets in his spare time[ SONG 3]. Mom is a famous doctor and brain surgeon, who dances in big discos in micro minis when not on duty [ SONG 4 ]. They are celebrating their 5 year old child's birthday by taking him for a movie ( after dancing together celebrating their love for him in a strip bar [SONG 5 ] ). Suddenly, out rushes a goon who shoots both parents ( it turns out he thought the father was Uday Chopra : he had spent his life earnings to get balcony seats for the Neal n Nikki movie and was not impressed ). The scene ends with the child crying over his dead parents as the song they just danced to [SONG 5] now plays in slow motion.
End Flash back .
Present Day -
THE END
P.S. Leave Humus in middle of Ganges itself so that there's a chance for a sequel. And also, to explain why the same actress won’t be there in PART 2. ( Real reason - her stint in casting couch is over : P.P.S - release MMS a month before movie release.)
END with Himesh Reshammiya song in pub with Shakti Maan, Lux, Jolly and Bhatia MAN grooving beside him.
The Budget : Rs 50 crores and 75 paise only ( just enough to beat DevDas )
The Script :
20 years back
In a land far, far away from Mumbai, a Dad and Mom view the chaos surrounding them in their land. People killing each other, red flags everywhere, dictatorship the ruling hand. They fear for their baby's safety and so even as their land disintegrates, they put the child of destiny onto a plane and watch him fly away while they die of food poisoning. The child travels unaided (due to rude airhostesses) and lands in a new civilization in a place called UAE. He is adopted by 2 Indian shopkeepers who are unaware of his tremendous powers or where he has come from.
TITLE GRAPHICS :RAM SAVE US BROTHERS presents
SHAKTIMAAN aur Ganga Ki Daag
[ SHAKTIMAAN and Dirty Ganga ]
(Show actors names, but fill screen with directors and producers name in background)
20 years later ( Now )
Dubai, UAE
The boy is now a grown man. He is Kumar Kentillella. He works in a famous news channel , the Al Qaboos Times. He's the janitor there, but uses Armani jackets and wears lots of bling ( check with Tanishq for sponsorship .) Suddenly, a cake falls from the food tray and plummets down the 25 storey building. Kumar Kentillella goes faster than a speeding bullock cart off the window ( gravity assisted ) and saves it. Audience realises he's Shaktimaan. To celebrate, we have song 1.
Song 1 - He dances in full costume in garden with 20 micro mini clad village girls. Song to focus on how he's defender of Earth and adopted momma's boy. Show scenes of his bravery - stopping underage kids from watching adult movies, carrying the bags for masked robber who gets sprained back, fixing the kitchen sink etc.
CHANGE SCENE
MUMBAI, MAHARASHTRA
Evil foreign MNC head, Lux Lullaby ( make him rich and bald : maybe a squint too ), after firing secretary for serving coffee on tea day, has devised an evil scheme to sell his water purifier by dirtying India's most pure water source - the Ganges. But even though he's head of the MNC, he needs his friend from the circus to make the machine which will dump the gunk in the Ganges. The friend - ( description : very white face, long nose, green hair, purple coat, orange shirt - note : borrow from Govinda's wardrobe ) is a clown in his spare time while not making WMDs. His name - Jolly Tamashawalla. They reach an agreement.
The scene ends with both laughing at the skies.
SCENE CHANGE -
Dubai, UAE
Kentillella falls in love with the head of Al Quboos Times - the lovely Humus Lane. They bump into each other thrice in the office, keep blinking eyes. They meet in a big function , where both end up dancing on stage ( SONG 2 ) and singing love duets ( ask Rajshri ji for ideas for Antakshari tips; get Shakira and Ricky Martin to sing the duet ) while foreigners watching say 'WAH WAH' and speak in Punjabi. By the end of the dance, both are established lovers.
SCENE CHANGE -
Lux and Jolly make plans for THE CRAP MACHINE which will dirty the waters. Suddenly, when Lux asks for an extra paper at the dhaba to clean his hands after having batata vada ( collaborate with Kissan sauce ? ) , he finds on the paper the full details of SHAKTIMAAN, including where he is from and his weakness ( no need to explain how or where the paper came from – leave that for sequel. )
The scene ends with both laughing at the skies.
SCENE CHANGE -
Humus and Kumar go to India on company money for a tour, mainly to show the same yellow flower fields already seen before in many YC movies. There, they find dirt at the edge of the Ganges. Kumar with his binocular vision ( when he sees through binoculars, we call it binocular vision, when he sees through microscope, we call it.. ), sees Jolly Tamashawalla pouring cups of mud at the edges if the Ganges. (Build patriotic music to a frenzy ).. he rips off his clothes and ties BLUE lungi over red pyjamas ( let him wear his shirt around neck, so that it flies in the breeze ) and runs to stop JT. After almost beating Jt, Jt throws a translucent liquid on him. (Thunder in background ) Shaktimaan gets an allergic reaction and has to be taken to the hospital. The Dr tells him it's an allergic reaction and that it's from a substance from his long lost home land. The villian threw coconut water at Shaktimaan. It is revealed that Shaktimaan is actually from Kerala. The Dr says not to worry, there is still a way out inspite of this unfortunate plot twist.
On the other side, Jt calls Lux and tells him their plan was successful. The first half ends with both laughing at the skies.
INTERVAL.
(Show actors names, but fill screen with directors and producers name in background)
20 years later ( Now )
Dubai, UAE
The boy is now a grown man. He is Kumar Kentillella. He works in a famous news channel , the Al Qaboos Times. He's the janitor there, but uses Armani jackets and wears lots of bling ( check with Tanishq for sponsorship .) Suddenly, a cake falls from the food tray and plummets down the 25 storey building. Kumar Kentillella goes faster than a speeding bullock cart off the window ( gravity assisted ) and saves it. Audience realises he's Shaktimaan. To celebrate, we have song 1.
Song 1 - He dances in full costume in garden with 20 micro mini clad village girls. Song to focus on how he's defender of Earth and adopted momma's boy. Show scenes of his bravery - stopping underage kids from watching adult movies, carrying the bags for masked robber who gets sprained back, fixing the kitchen sink etc.
CHANGE SCENE
MUMBAI, MAHARASHTRA
Evil foreign MNC head, Lux Lullaby ( make him rich and bald : maybe a squint too ), after firing secretary for serving coffee on tea day, has devised an evil scheme to sell his water purifier by dirtying India's most pure water source - the Ganges. But even though he's head of the MNC, he needs his friend from the circus to make the machine which will dump the gunk in the Ganges. The friend - ( description : very white face, long nose, green hair, purple coat, orange shirt - note : borrow from Govinda's wardrobe ) is a clown in his spare time while not making WMDs. His name - Jolly Tamashawalla. They reach an agreement.The scene ends with both laughing at the skies.
SCENE CHANGE -
Dubai, UAE
Kentillella falls in love with the head of Al Quboos Times - the lovely Humus Lane. They bump into each other thrice in the office, keep blinking eyes. They meet in a big function , where both end up dancing on stage ( SONG 2 ) and singing love duets ( ask Rajshri ji for ideas for Antakshari tips; get Shakira and Ricky Martin to sing the duet ) while foreigners watching say 'WAH WAH' and speak in Punjabi. By the end of the dance, both are established lovers.
SCENE CHANGE -
Lux and Jolly make plans for THE CRAP MACHINE which will dirty the waters. Suddenly, when Lux asks for an extra paper at the dhaba to clean his hands after having batata vada ( collaborate with Kissan sauce ? ) , he finds on the paper the full details of SHAKTIMAAN, including where he is from and his weakness ( no need to explain how or where the paper came from – leave that for sequel. )
The scene ends with both laughing at the skies.
SCENE CHANGE -
Humus and Kumar go to India on company money for a tour, mainly to show the same yellow flower fields already seen before in many YC movies. There, they find dirt at the edge of the Ganges. Kumar with his binocular vision ( when he sees through binoculars, we call it binocular vision, when he sees through microscope, we call it.. ), sees Jolly Tamashawalla pouring cups of mud at the edges if the Ganges. (Build patriotic music to a frenzy ).. he rips off his clothes and ties BLUE lungi over red pyjamas ( let him wear his shirt around neck, so that it flies in the breeze ) and runs to stop JT. After almost beating Jt, Jt throws a translucent liquid on him. (Thunder in background ) Shaktimaan gets an allergic reaction and has to be taken to the hospital. The Dr tells him it's an allergic reaction and that it's from a substance from his long lost home land. The villian threw coconut water at Shaktimaan. It is revealed that Shaktimaan is actually from Kerala. The Dr says not to worry, there is still a way out inspite of this unfortunate plot twist.On the other side, Jt calls Lux and tells him their plan was successful. The first half ends with both laughing at the skies.
INTERVAL.
POST INTERVAL -
Start with Flashback : Parents and child walk out of theatre show of Neal and Nikki. Dad is a famous judge, who dances in streets in his spare time[ SONG 3]. Mom is a famous doctor and brain surgeon, who dances in big discos in micro minis when not on duty [ SONG 4 ]. They are celebrating their 5 year old child's birthday by taking him for a movie ( after dancing together celebrating their love for him in a strip bar [SONG 5 ] ). Suddenly, out rushes a goon who shoots both parents ( it turns out he thought the father was Uday Chopra : he had spent his life earnings to get balcony seats for the Neal n Nikki movie and was not impressed ). The scene ends with the child crying over his dead parents as the song they just danced to [SONG 5] now plays in slow motion.
End Flash back .
Present Day -
The boy is now the same Dr who has uncovered Shaktimaan’s problems. It’s his day job. By night, he is Bhatia Man, a masked DEFENDER OF THE WORLD. The symbol of the bat is on his chest - a reminder of his old fear for the cricket bat which smashed a 100 runs of his no-ball filled over as a child. ) He is a millionaire as a doc, but does some street fighting for pocket money and also dances in pubs after that [ SONG 6]. Bhatia Man takes ShaktiMaan to his Bhatia Cave, where they bond with each other as his servant, Al-Fred, serves Romanov ( ask Mallya for collaboration ) till both get stone drunk.
Scene Change -
Lux and Jt come to the hospital to kill Shaktimaan. Of course, Humus Lane, is still waiting in the room having taken karva chauth, and wondering what's keeping Shaktimaan so long. On seeing Jt, Humus realises she's in trouble and runs past him, down 10 flights of stairs, into a taxi to an undisclosed location, enters a high security building, goes to top floor, enters flat, locks door, padlock, number lock, retinal scan lock. Then turns and sees Lux and Jt sitting in a chair in the same room ( Jt sitting on Lux's lap since it's the same chair. )End scene with both laughing at the roof.
Scene Change -
Bhatia Man and Shaktiman realise what has happened when they see the karva chauth tray still there in room, then go about beating everyone they find who looks like a goon. They finally reach Lux's old office. There seems no way to follow the trail from there. But not to worry. Bhatia man takes out an 'old print understandifier' spray from his USEFULITY belt and sprays it on the printer. It reveals that the last print was of the step by step plan of the evil villians. But the plan itself cannot be revealed since the spray gets shot by the last goon before he dies, laughing. Bhatia man is lost. But Shaktimaan comes to the rescue. He takes a pencil and starts shading the next page in the printer machine. And Lo! And behold ! The 20 step plot of the villians is revealed. The whole MNC office stands and claps this brilliant deduction skills.
Shaktimaan decides to fly to Ganges to save it. But Bhatia man stops him and tells him there is one more place to visit.
Scene Change -
Humus hands are tied to metal poles, which are planted firmly in the middle of the Ganges. There is a dynamite packet on her head, with colourful Leds ( predominantly green, to allow for Pakistani connection ). Lux and Jt wanted to on the CRAP Machine, but due to power cuts, have to wait. To waste time, they look at the sky and laugh again. Since Humus finds this boring, she decides to dance for them. So, with hands tied to huge poles, in the middle of the Ganges, she starts dancing , moving back and forth on the poles ( atleast 3 dress changes in between mandatory ). Lux and Jt also tie themselves to poles, come into the Ganges and join her as do the other goons who have assembled.
End song with everyone looking at the sky and laughing.
Trumpet blow -
Shaktimaan and Bhatia man arrive at the scene. All the goons miraculously reach the shore instantly. Lux runs to Crap Machine.
100 goons come running towards the two superheroes. Shaktimaan freezes half with his puttu 'n 'fish curry breath. 45 year old Bhatia man jumps on the others one at a time, dodging all the bullets even though he's a km away when they start shooting. He then takes shield from his USEFULity belt and blocks 10 rockets shot at him from a rocket launcher. Jolly Tamashawala fires a cannon which happens to be lying around the edge of the Ganges. Bhatia man takes Hand kerchief from USEFULity belt, winds it into a catapult and sends the cannon ball back to Jolly. Boom !!! End of Jolly.
Lux cannot reach the CRAP machine in time. Shaktimaan breaks it with one sneeze. Lux laughs, then points at Humus and the bombs. Shakti maan uses his eyes rays ( to graphics editor : make it saffron-white and green with blue balls in middle line , have JANA GANA MANA playing while the rays slowly travel for 52 seconds till song ends). The rays go, disable the bombs accurately, cutting the green wire ( Pakistani ) while leaving the saffron-white-and-green wires intact. The rays also off Leds to conserve energy.
Lux has a final trick up his sleeve. He takes out the dreaded coconut water. While Shaktimaan stands with hands on hips ( posing for Vip underwear - confirm collaboration ), Lux throws water on him. Shaktimaan just smiles. Lux is shocked. How can this be, he asks. How, indeed ?
Flash back - when Shaktimaan was about to fly to Ganges, Bhatia man stopped him and took him to a place. It belonged to a part time failed Bollywood stars coaching guru, part time astrologer - the wheel chair bound Taklu Langde Wala. TLW checked Shakti Maan's kundli and horoscope and decided he should add an extra K in his name, then all his weakness and worries would disappear. Shaktimaan did as he was told and became ShakKtimaan. Thus, he was now immune to the dreaded coconut water of his home land. END FLASHBACK.
Shakktimaan beats up Lux till he falls on the lap of his Maa ( NirMaa) who suddenly appears there, pleading for mercy. The police also arrive and hand cuff him and take him away as NirMaa denounces him and proclaims that from this day on, ShakktiMaan will be her son. ShakktiMaan and Bhatia Man look at the sky and laugh.
Maa and children walk off.
Scene Change -
Lux and Jt come to the hospital to kill Shaktimaan. Of course, Humus Lane, is still waiting in the room having taken karva chauth, and wondering what's keeping Shaktimaan so long. On seeing Jt, Humus realises she's in trouble and runs past him, down 10 flights of stairs, into a taxi to an undisclosed location, enters a high security building, goes to top floor, enters flat, locks door, padlock, number lock, retinal scan lock. Then turns and sees Lux and Jt sitting in a chair in the same room ( Jt sitting on Lux's lap since it's the same chair. )End scene with both laughing at the roof.
Scene Change -
Bhatia Man and Shaktiman realise what has happened when they see the karva chauth tray still there in room, then go about beating everyone they find who looks like a goon. They finally reach Lux's old office. There seems no way to follow the trail from there. But not to worry. Bhatia man takes out an 'old print understandifier' spray from his USEFULITY belt and sprays it on the printer. It reveals that the last print was of the step by step plan of the evil villians. But the plan itself cannot be revealed since the spray gets shot by the last goon before he dies, laughing. Bhatia man is lost. But Shaktimaan comes to the rescue. He takes a pencil and starts shading the next page in the printer machine. And Lo! And behold ! The 20 step plot of the villians is revealed. The whole MNC office stands and claps this brilliant deduction skills.
Shaktimaan decides to fly to Ganges to save it. But Bhatia man stops him and tells him there is one more place to visit.
Scene Change -
Humus hands are tied to metal poles, which are planted firmly in the middle of the Ganges. There is a dynamite packet on her head, with colourful Leds ( predominantly green, to allow for Pakistani connection ). Lux and Jt wanted to on the CRAP Machine, but due to power cuts, have to wait. To waste time, they look at the sky and laugh again. Since Humus finds this boring, she decides to dance for them. So, with hands tied to huge poles, in the middle of the Ganges, she starts dancing , moving back and forth on the poles ( atleast 3 dress changes in between mandatory ). Lux and Jt also tie themselves to poles, come into the Ganges and join her as do the other goons who have assembled.
End song with everyone looking at the sky and laughing.
Trumpet blow -Shaktimaan and Bhatia man arrive at the scene. All the goons miraculously reach the shore instantly. Lux runs to Crap Machine.
100 goons come running towards the two superheroes. Shaktimaan freezes half with his puttu 'n 'fish curry breath. 45 year old Bhatia man jumps on the others one at a time, dodging all the bullets even though he's a km away when they start shooting. He then takes shield from his USEFULity belt and blocks 10 rockets shot at him from a rocket launcher. Jolly Tamashawala fires a cannon which happens to be lying around the edge of the Ganges. Bhatia man takes Hand kerchief from USEFULity belt, winds it into a catapult and sends the cannon ball back to Jolly. Boom !!! End of Jolly.
Lux cannot reach the CRAP machine in time. Shaktimaan breaks it with one sneeze. Lux laughs, then points at Humus and the bombs. Shakti maan uses his eyes rays ( to graphics editor : make it saffron-white and green with blue balls in middle line , have JANA GANA MANA playing while the rays slowly travel for 52 seconds till song ends). The rays go, disable the bombs accurately, cutting the green wire ( Pakistani ) while leaving the saffron-white-and-green wires intact. The rays also off Leds to conserve energy.
Lux has a final trick up his sleeve. He takes out the dreaded coconut water. While Shaktimaan stands with hands on hips ( posing for Vip underwear - confirm collaboration ), Lux throws water on him. Shaktimaan just smiles. Lux is shocked. How can this be, he asks. How, indeed ?
Flash back - when Shaktimaan was about to fly to Ganges, Bhatia man stopped him and took him to a place. It belonged to a part time failed Bollywood stars coaching guru, part time astrologer - the wheel chair bound Taklu Langde Wala. TLW checked Shakti Maan's kundli and horoscope and decided he should add an extra K in his name, then all his weakness and worries would disappear. Shaktimaan did as he was told and became ShakKtimaan. Thus, he was now immune to the dreaded coconut water of his home land. END FLASHBACK.
Shakktimaan beats up Lux till he falls on the lap of his Maa ( NirMaa) who suddenly appears there, pleading for mercy. The police also arrive and hand cuff him and take him away as NirMaa denounces him and proclaims that from this day on, ShakktiMaan will be her son. ShakktiMaan and Bhatia Man look at the sky and laugh.
Maa and children walk off.
THE END
P.S. Leave Humus in middle of Ganges itself so that there's a chance for a sequel. And also, to explain why the same actress won’t be there in PART 2. ( Real reason - her stint in casting couch is over : P.P.S - release MMS a month before movie release.)
END with Himesh Reshammiya song in pub with Shakti Maan, Lux, Jolly and Bhatia MAN grooving beside him.
- December 04, 2006
- 13 Comments
"George Micheals tops charts"
Gee, there's a heading I didn't expect. It's even more ironic because he was just releasing his 'greatest hits' collection once more. And the scary part is - I'm not as surprised as I should be. Because I would rather buy his Greatest Hits all over again than anything else on the market right now. Be honest. How many heart touching numbers have you come across since 2001 ?
When was the last time you heard a song that could stand alone on the singer's voice alone without the back ground beats? Which was the last song you could hum without going gjang ta naang weeeee weeee ( mimicking the electric guitars ) or worse, going hip-hop ( I'm sorry, the latest Medical Journals have yet to find a cure for it : we're still stuck with prevention of the genre )..
Remember the good old days when all you had to do to become a rock star was -
1. Wear faded T-shirt ( voila ! You're Bryan Adams already )
2. Wear ripped/ faded jeans
3. Get plug point for guitar
Nowadays, things are a bit different in becoming a music role model, isn'it ?
1. Grow / Paint a 6 pack on your belly . Call it abs.
2. Wear your mom's jewellery. Call it bling.
3. Hunch your body forward so that you can see your shoulder joints even if you're standing straight.
4. Have your wee- wee hold your jeans up. Get assistance by getting the local gals in the neighbourhood to show T& A while grovelling all over you in your videos.
5. Talk slow or fast ( not important ) , but make sure you bitch about yo' 'horin momma and yo' pimpin' ol' man who's doing time in da slammer for murder.
6. Learn to point index finger and pinky finger in same direction - other fingers can go anywhere they want.
The 80s may have been a forgettable decade in Bollywood, but English music was going through a wonderful transition back then, as melody after melody was churned out and the singers were at all at their peak - be it the Brits ( Elton and George ) to the new gen ( Micheal and Madonna ) to the bands ( Deep Purple , Floyd - early 80s anyway & Scorpions ).. Phil Collins was just ripping the charts with that crystal voice while George Micheals' "Careless whisper', later voted the song of the 80s, was also playing the streets and giving a million hearts an anthem.
The 90's too carried the torch well, though the arrival of beats and funk were evident. But it was all right. Because they still got to ya, whether it was a Canadian diva or a string of boy bands. There was still lovely tunes to hum to, lovely lyrics to recite and plagiarise.
It's important you realise the distinction I'm aiming for here. Rock never had it better in this era. They brought out the crash'n'burn feeling within us all and they did it well. They took over from the earlier rock bands that existed and added a new dimension to it. Jazz evolved. R & B was born. Hybrid genres were born. But tunes died. A slow sad death, too.
Maybe I'm just following the set pattern. After all, something new is something condemned. From Ray Charles and his blues, to the Beatles and their yellow submarines to Micheal trashing the sets down after singing Black n White - they've all been termed hell music. And they've outlived the brickbats, haven't they ? But I don't know. I really don't see how the stuff today is gonna go down as legendary when our kids ask us what we listened to in our "good ol' days."Would you really be handing out 'the best of' collections featuring songs like ' yo f&*^$g sista' and 'Rape ma momma' to kids saying 'Ah! Those were the good times. Now go find my dentures , you milk toothed 'hos!! '
I guess I'm growing old. Or maybe I'm just going retro. It's ok. Because sometimes a song to sooth the savage beast is a must. And I can't find it around here..Maybe an odd couple here and there. In the last 5 years, I can perhaps recall 'Time of your life- Green Day' and 'She will be loved - Maroon 5' as soul stirring.. that's it. Come on, gimme a tune I can hum again and fly high on. Anyway, enjoy Eric Clapton with the tune that refuses to leave my head today. This is music for the soul. In the mean time, I'm gonna reflect on these wonderful lyrics from that amazing band, ToyBox :
"Tarzan is handsome, Tarzan is strong
He's really cute and his hair is long
Tarzan is handsome, Tarzan is strong
so listen to the jungle song....."
As the critics to my take on "modern rap" would say - " Hey, just cause you're not in a higher spiritual level to grasp the true existential meaning of these lyrics, don't diss it! "
Gee, there's a heading I didn't expect. It's even more ironic because he was just releasing his 'greatest hits' collection once more. And the scary part is - I'm not as surprised as I should be. Because I would rather buy his Greatest Hits all over again than anything else on the market right now. Be honest. How many heart touching numbers have you come across since 2001 ?
When was the last time you heard a song that could stand alone on the singer's voice alone without the back ground beats? Which was the last song you could hum without going gjang ta naang weeeee weeee ( mimicking the electric guitars ) or worse, going hip-hop ( I'm sorry, the latest Medical Journals have yet to find a cure for it : we're still stuck with prevention of the genre )..
Remember the good old days when all you had to do to become a rock star was -
1. Wear faded T-shirt ( voila ! You're Bryan Adams already )
2. Wear ripped/ faded jeans
3. Get plug point for guitar
Nowadays, things are a bit different in becoming a music role model, isn'it ?1. Grow / Paint a 6 pack on your belly . Call it abs.
2. Wear your mom's jewellery. Call it bling.
3. Hunch your body forward so that you can see your shoulder joints even if you're standing straight.
4. Have your wee- wee hold your jeans up. Get assistance by getting the local gals in the neighbourhood to show T& A while grovelling all over you in your videos.
5. Talk slow or fast ( not important ) , but make sure you bitch about yo' 'horin momma and yo' pimpin' ol' man who's doing time in da slammer for murder.
6. Learn to point index finger and pinky finger in same direction - other fingers can go anywhere they want.
The 80s may have been a forgettable decade in Bollywood, but English music was going through a wonderful transition back then, as melody after melody was churned out and the singers were at all at their peak - be it the Brits ( Elton and George ) to the new gen ( Micheal and Madonna ) to the bands ( Deep Purple , Floyd - early 80s anyway & Scorpions ).. Phil Collins was just ripping the charts with that crystal voice while George Micheals' "Careless whisper', later voted the song of the 80s, was also playing the streets and giving a million hearts an anthem.
The 90's too carried the torch well, though the arrival of beats and funk were evident. But it was all right. Because they still got to ya, whether it was a Canadian diva or a string of boy bands. There was still lovely tunes to hum to, lovely lyrics to recite and plagiarise.It's important you realise the distinction I'm aiming for here. Rock never had it better in this era. They brought out the crash'n'burn feeling within us all and they did it well. They took over from the earlier rock bands that existed and added a new dimension to it. Jazz evolved. R & B was born. Hybrid genres were born. But tunes died. A slow sad death, too.
Maybe I'm just following the set pattern. After all, something new is something condemned. From Ray Charles and his blues, to the Beatles and their yellow submarines to Micheal trashing the sets down after singing Black n White - they've all been termed hell music. And they've outlived the brickbats, haven't they ? But I don't know. I really don't see how the stuff today is gonna go down as legendary when our kids ask us what we listened to in our "good ol' days."Would you really be handing out 'the best of' collections featuring songs like ' yo f&*^$g sista' and 'Rape ma momma' to kids saying 'Ah! Those were the good times. Now go find my dentures , you milk toothed 'hos!! '
I guess I'm growing old. Or maybe I'm just going retro. It's ok. Because sometimes a song to sooth the savage beast is a must. And I can't find it around here..Maybe an odd couple here and there. In the last 5 years, I can perhaps recall 'Time of your life- Green Day' and 'She will be loved - Maroon 5' as soul stirring.. that's it. Come on, gimme a tune I can hum again and fly high on. Anyway, enjoy Eric Clapton with the tune that refuses to leave my head today. This is music for the soul. In the mean time, I'm gonna reflect on these wonderful lyrics from that amazing band, ToyBox :
"Tarzan is handsome, Tarzan is strong
He's really cute and his hair is long
Tarzan is handsome, Tarzan is strong
so listen to the jungle song....."
As the critics to my take on "modern rap" would say - " Hey, just cause you're not in a higher spiritual level to grasp the true existential meaning of these lyrics, don't diss it! "
- December 03, 2006
- 2 Comments
There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged
to find the ways In which you yourself have altered.
- Nelson Mandela (1918 - ),
'A Long Walk to Freedom.'
One year back, my life had a direction. It was filled with joy and a new found happiness. I don't recall how, but I came across a friend's blog. It was the first time I'd seen or heard of such a thing. A blog ? The concept seemed interesting.
The friend in question, Shanid, motivated me to try my hand at it as well. Make a blog? Why not, I decided. I had no idea what I'd write, who'd read it, whether I'd even remember the 'Blog thingy' existed a month later.
Tomorrow, Godyears turns One year old. 78 articles later, amazing as it sounds, my tracker tells me that I've been read across 6 continents. I confess my frivolous ego is pricked to see that the penguins and whales in the Antarctica did not see fit to check my literary cafe out. Wait till the next Free Willy movie or global warming warning comes out..see if I care. But, as always, I digress, for this is not a post to celebrate one year of Godyears.
One year back, my life had a direction. It was filled with joy and a new found happiness. Today, I am at the crossroads. As the worst year of my life comes to an end with my old nemesis - harrowing December, I look back and see that I am finally in the eye of the hurricane. I have suffered pain and betrayal like never before ,been broken down slowly and systematically, watched a lie consume me within and without and faced an ancient evil I never knew existed in today's world. I have had to face the choice of giving up not only everything I believe in, but everyone I ever cared for. I have been forced to finally evolve, forced to be reborn to survive. To shed my mistaken self beliefs about my power of judgement , to face my errors which have threatened to destroy me, to accept pain and regret as my life time partners from here on in in this ballet of life.
I am finally in the eye of the hurricane. I have been witness to some of the most influential, caring and fun friends in my impressionable life getting married over the last 12 months. I have shared in their joy, smiled in their triumphs and prayed for their paths to always be free of tacks. I have felt sorrow as I realised things would never be the same again for us all as we drifted apart - not necessarily from each other as from what we once used to be. Hopefully,the bridges that were built over a transition from child to man will survive these cracks- minor and major. Only time will tell... but I will do my best to influence time in this matter.
I want to thank so many people for what they mean to me, have meant to me and will mean to me in the days to come. I want to thank every friend who stood by me, literally and otherwise. Not over the last year.. but over this phase called life. I want to thank you for the childhood memories of friendship and laughter, love and sorrow that made me who I am today. Who encouraged me to dream big, to over achieve when all I wanted were simpler pleasures and an aisle seat.
I want to thank you for showing me love when I least expected it, for showing me what love is and can do... and in doing so, making me a better man. I want to thank all those of you who did not leave when the smile disappeared and just a shallow corpse remained. Who refused to let me hide in my mind as is my wont while I was breaking down ; who carried me across the darkness to show me that there was a garden beyond the fiery coals. Who made me realise I had made a contribution in their lives for which they were grateful - I am grateful for that. For the many friends that I made online over the last year who, with their wacky ways and charming traits, helped me erase my sorrows and dull the pain so that , today, I can be who I was a year ago. Someone who looked forward to life's surprises. Someone who believed in all that is good. Someone who believes once more in all that is good.
Your friendships have not gone unnoticed. Nor will they be forgotten. For it is not only the elephant's stunning good looks that I have inherited, but their capacity for memories too. I remember. The smallest details of what we have shared together, the sorrows I have caused and been forgiven ( and not ), the laughters we have shared while memories were being created and the battles we have faced together and walked out of, changed.
Today,I am finally in the eye of the hurricane. The calmest place to be in while the storm unleashes it's fury. I would never have reached here if it weren't for you all. I would have tried , as always, to walk the road alone.. and failed miserably this time. To all my angels, who have helped me cross this sea and ensured I don't drown along the way, I have this to say ( you all know who you are ) : Thank you for finding me and bringing me back to myself. I couldn't have done it without you all.
Happy Birthday, Godyears. It's been an eventful ride from where we began last year.. eventful for us both.
to find the ways In which you yourself have altered.
- Nelson Mandela (1918 - ),
'A Long Walk to Freedom.'
One year back, my life had a direction. It was filled with joy and a new found happiness. I don't recall how, but I came across a friend's blog. It was the first time I'd seen or heard of such a thing. A blog ? The concept seemed interesting.
The friend in question, Shanid, motivated me to try my hand at it as well. Make a blog? Why not, I decided. I had no idea what I'd write, who'd read it, whether I'd even remember the 'Blog thingy' existed a month later.
Tomorrow, Godyears turns One year old. 78 articles later, amazing as it sounds, my tracker tells me that I've been read across 6 continents. I confess my frivolous ego is pricked to see that the penguins and whales in the Antarctica did not see fit to check my literary cafe out. Wait till the next Free Willy movie or global warming warning comes out..see if I care. But, as always, I digress, for this is not a post to celebrate one year of Godyears.
One year back, my life had a direction. It was filled with joy and a new found happiness. Today, I am at the crossroads. As the worst year of my life comes to an end with my old nemesis - harrowing December, I look back and see that I am finally in the eye of the hurricane. I have suffered pain and betrayal like never before ,been broken down slowly and systematically, watched a lie consume me within and without and faced an ancient evil I never knew existed in today's world. I have had to face the choice of giving up not only everything I believe in, but everyone I ever cared for. I have been forced to finally evolve, forced to be reborn to survive. To shed my mistaken self beliefs about my power of judgement , to face my errors which have threatened to destroy me, to accept pain and regret as my life time partners from here on in in this ballet of life.I am finally in the eye of the hurricane. I have been witness to some of the most influential, caring and fun friends in my impressionable life getting married over the last 12 months. I have shared in their joy, smiled in their triumphs and prayed for their paths to always be free of tacks. I have felt sorrow as I realised things would never be the same again for us all as we drifted apart - not necessarily from each other as from what we once used to be. Hopefully,the bridges that were built over a transition from child to man will survive these cracks- minor and major. Only time will tell... but I will do my best to influence time in this matter.
I want to thank so many people for what they mean to me, have meant to me and will mean to me in the days to come. I want to thank every friend who stood by me, literally and otherwise. Not over the last year.. but over this phase called life. I want to thank you for the childhood memories of friendship and laughter, love and sorrow that made me who I am today. Who encouraged me to dream big, to over achieve when all I wanted were simpler pleasures and an aisle seat.
I want to thank you for showing me love when I least expected it, for showing me what love is and can do... and in doing so, making me a better man. I want to thank all those of you who did not leave when the smile disappeared and just a shallow corpse remained. Who refused to let me hide in my mind as is my wont while I was breaking down ; who carried me across the darkness to show me that there was a garden beyond the fiery coals. Who made me realise I had made a contribution in their lives for which they were grateful - I am grateful for that. For the many friends that I made online over the last year who, with their wacky ways and charming traits, helped me erase my sorrows and dull the pain so that , today, I can be who I was a year ago. Someone who looked forward to life's surprises. Someone who believed in all that is good. Someone who believes once more in all that is good.Your friendships have not gone unnoticed. Nor will they be forgotten. For it is not only the elephant's stunning good looks that I have inherited, but their capacity for memories too. I remember. The smallest details of what we have shared together, the sorrows I have caused and been forgiven ( and not ), the laughters we have shared while memories were being created and the battles we have faced together and walked out of, changed.
Today,I am finally in the eye of the hurricane. The calmest place to be in while the storm unleashes it's fury. I would never have reached here if it weren't for you all. I would have tried , as always, to walk the road alone.. and failed miserably this time. To all my angels, who have helped me cross this sea and ensured I don't drown along the way, I have this to say ( you all know who you are ) : Thank you for finding me and bringing me back to myself. I couldn't have done it without you all.
Happy Birthday, Godyears. It's been an eventful ride from where we began last year.. eventful for us both.
- November 29, 2006
- 10 Comments
That's an Academy Award winner, a Backstreet Boy, a Linkin Parker, Star Trek's Scottie, Angel's Angel and Smallville's Superman, besides The Oc's stud muffin and a Mad comics author...Man, are those guys lucky to be associated with me or what !!?!!
Different snap and I come across my feminine side!!!
As for those of you wondering, I'll say just two words : myheritage.com
- November 26, 2006
- 2 Comments
This is the reason why you need to make sure you leave work early on MAY 4, 2007.
- November 25, 2006
- 1 Comments
Some times, in all the rush, we tend to miss the weird tales that pop up in the newsprint. This, thus, is my tribute - pretty much some of the stuff that I came across in November that I thought deserve a second mention before they disappear into oblivion..
OOPS ! I DID IT AGAIN ! : Kevin Federline ( twice his name now springs up in the last 3 posts.. how have I stooped so low ? Recap – soon to be ex-Britney Spears ‘wife’, no other significant contributions ) is now running around trying to sell his alleged wedding sex video with Brits to the highest bidder. Really, how low can you stoop ? More importantly, how dumb are these blondes ( Pamela Anderson, Paris and Spears ) that they agree to do the hony tonky with the camera rolling, even after all the previous fiascos that have come out ? Even more importantly, isn’t there any law in USA against peddling porn against the performer’s wishes ? If not, then the most important question – when does it release in India and will it be dubbed in 3 different regional languages for the public’s sake ?
After thought- both parents are fighting for sole custody of their two kids. Hmmm. The new kid is probably 2 months old, but the first child may yet be old enough to understand the phrase - between the devil and the deep sea.
GIMME YOUR RIGHT ARM. : Who has come to India ? Sorry, I mean, Hu has come to India. President Hu. Chinese dude. And even before his arrival, his diplomats raised the topic of having Arunachal Pradesh as their own, no compromises . Hmmm.. and they call themselves diplomats too, mind you. Gee whiz, I’m surprised the defenders of India haven’t started waging war on all the Chinese restaurants. That would have been their usual form of protest at this point of time. ATTACK !! FLEE, EVIL GREAT TASTY FOOD GIVERS !! THE LAND OF THE INSIPID IDLIS WILL NOT BE RUN OVER BY KUNG-POW CHICKEN. Let’s see how it works out – the peacock vs the dragon. Kalam vs Hu. Dude with shiny mane vs dude with shiny head. Interesting though : Pakistan wants Kashmir, China wants Arunachal – that’s our head and right arm over there. I wonder if the Maldives want a piece of us too ?
HOW TO DO IT !! :Recap – Former Sports Star O.J. Simpson allegedly killed his ex- wife and her friend in 1994, but was acquitted of the charges after a widely viewed court room drama in 1995. He was subsequently found “liable for the killings” in a civil case in 1997 and paid nearly 34 million dollars to the victims families. Not many believed him to be innocent then, not many are convinced today either, though he protests his innocence. And then along comes this gem – O. J. Simpson was due to release ( before public outrage took over ) a book this month end titled “If I did it” in which he would describe how “he would have committed the murders if he had done it.” What can you say to this, really ?
AIR POLLUTION TO THE RESCUE : The latest surveys ( I always enjoy the latest survey findings – they’re so insane !! ) show that air pollution is good for health. It seems by forming a layer in the sky, they actually aid the ozone layer by clogging up it’s crevices, thus preventing the harmful Ultraviolet rays from getting at us. All right !! I knew those oil, chemical and car companies were thinking of my well being but nobody believed me ! Fuel efficiency, my ass. Release the smoking tanks . I wanna do my bit for the environment. Prepare to be saved, Earthlings.
THE BALD AND THE UNDYING. : “All new episodes of the Bold and the Beautiful" proclaims Star World. Doesn’t this soap ever end ? Don’t these characters ever die ? Don’t these actors get any other role to play ? Is it a family legacy where the son and daughter also get signed up to star in this soap ? Hasn't it outlasted every Duracell bunny in the world put together by going on and on and on ? Man, this thing was there when I was a kid, it’s still there now, I suspect it will last long after I’m gone. In fact, if aliens ever do come and visit , this is probably the show to give them as a DVD collection for the long ride home. Hey, as long as they don’t drink and drive, right ?
DRUNK DRIVING PANEL!! : News channels went wild over the teens drunk & driving who ran over poor road side dwellers. Teens drunk and driving. Three words that should never have to placed in the same sentence. I agree. But I was confused by news channels who promptly brought out their "voice your opinion" shows to talk on it with an ELITE EXPERT PANEL. Huh ? I can understand how Ajay Jadega, Sidhu and Imran Khan qualify as the ELITE EXPERT PANEL for a cricket show. But for drunk and driving ? Who do you have to run over to become President of that Board ? And how do you gain experience ? 8 hour night shifts at the bar followed by the National Highway at 120 mph ? It's true, I guess. There's a committee for everything these days.
OOPS ! I DID IT AGAIN ! : Kevin Federline ( twice his name now springs up in the last 3 posts.. how have I stooped so low ? Recap – soon to be ex-Britney Spears ‘wife’, no other significant contributions ) is now running around trying to sell his alleged wedding sex video with Brits to the highest bidder. Really, how low can you stoop ? More importantly, how dumb are these blondes ( Pamela Anderson, Paris and Spears ) that they agree to do the hony tonky with the camera rolling, even after all the previous fiascos that have come out ? Even more importantly, isn’t there any law in USA against peddling porn against the performer’s wishes ? If not, then the most important question – when does it release in India and will it be dubbed in 3 different regional languages for the public’s sake ?
After thought- both parents are fighting for sole custody of their two kids. Hmmm. The new kid is probably 2 months old, but the first child may yet be old enough to understand the phrase - between the devil and the deep sea.
GIMME YOUR RIGHT ARM. : Who has come to India ? Sorry, I mean, Hu has come to India. President Hu. Chinese dude. And even before his arrival, his diplomats raised the topic of having Arunachal Pradesh as their own, no compromises . Hmmm.. and they call themselves diplomats too, mind you. Gee whiz, I’m surprised the defenders of India haven’t started waging war on all the Chinese restaurants. That would have been their usual form of protest at this point of time. ATTACK !! FLEE, EVIL GREAT TASTY FOOD GIVERS !! THE LAND OF THE INSIPID IDLIS WILL NOT BE RUN OVER BY KUNG-POW CHICKEN. Let’s see how it works out – the peacock vs the dragon. Kalam vs Hu. Dude with shiny mane vs dude with shiny head. Interesting though : Pakistan wants Kashmir, China wants Arunachal – that’s our head and right arm over there. I wonder if the Maldives want a piece of us too ?
HOW TO DO IT !! :Recap – Former Sports Star O.J. Simpson allegedly killed his ex- wife and her friend in 1994, but was acquitted of the charges after a widely viewed court room drama in 1995. He was subsequently found “liable for the killings” in a civil case in 1997 and paid nearly 34 million dollars to the victims families. Not many believed him to be innocent then, not many are convinced today either, though he protests his innocence. And then along comes this gem – O. J. Simpson was due to release ( before public outrage took over ) a book this month end titled “If I did it” in which he would describe how “he would have committed the murders if he had done it.” What can you say to this, really ?
AIR POLLUTION TO THE RESCUE : The latest surveys ( I always enjoy the latest survey findings – they’re so insane !! ) show that air pollution is good for health. It seems by forming a layer in the sky, they actually aid the ozone layer by clogging up it’s crevices, thus preventing the harmful Ultraviolet rays from getting at us. All right !! I knew those oil, chemical and car companies were thinking of my well being but nobody believed me ! Fuel efficiency, my ass. Release the smoking tanks . I wanna do my bit for the environment. Prepare to be saved, Earthlings.
THE BALD AND THE UNDYING. : “All new episodes of the Bold and the Beautiful" proclaims Star World. Doesn’t this soap ever end ? Don’t these characters ever die ? Don’t these actors get any other role to play ? Is it a family legacy where the son and daughter also get signed up to star in this soap ? Hasn't it outlasted every Duracell bunny in the world put together by going on and on and on ? Man, this thing was there when I was a kid, it’s still there now, I suspect it will last long after I’m gone. In fact, if aliens ever do come and visit , this is probably the show to give them as a DVD collection for the long ride home. Hey, as long as they don’t drink and drive, right ?
- November 24, 2006
- 2 Comments
It's a new era. Or is it ? Those Bond fans who preferred Sean Connery will be delighted to hear ( and see ) that the franchise once again moves back into the 'hardened' Bond with fists rather than gadgets talking. Having faced so much criticism over the last year for taking over from Brosnan, Daniel Craig can rest easy now. He is Bond, and a damn good Bond at that.
Casino Royale takes us back to the beginning, as James Bond begins a career as a double 0, and almost immediately screws up earning M's wrath. In trying to make amends, he uncovers a financer of global terrorism, Le Chiffre who following Bond's antics is left with a debt of $ 100 million dollars. His money-back scheme ? A high- stakes poker game at the Casino Royale in Montenegro. Naturally, Bond has others plans to ensure Le Chiffre does not succeed. Aiding him is the vivacious treasurer Vesper Lynd who's there to make sure the new Double 0 isn't gonna bleed Britain's coffers dry with his arrogance.
This movie is so different from any Bond film in recent decades, you almost wonder if you've stepped into the wrong theatre. You have a rugged bruised man rather than a gorgeous hunk, a man in love ( Bond ? in love ? ) rather than the incorrigible flirt we all know , the pace is languid rather than whip lash.. it all feels so alien. Action sequences are perhaps far and few between for old Brosnan fans, but you can't deny the screen presence of Daniel Craig. Eva Green as Vesper Lynd is drop dead gorgeous and a worthy girl for Bond to finally find love. Mads Mikkelsen as Le Chiffre isn't gonna top any chart of Bond villlians, but then, this story is more for Bond than a clear cut villain.
Daniel Craig - isn't that the million dollar question ? Well, I'm a Brosnan 'n' Connery fan myself, but even I will admit he is a brilliant Bond. As a man lost in a new world and just getting into the role of MI6 most famous spy legacy, his acting and screen presence is dynamite just as his tender moments with Eva Green seem heart felt rather than..well, you know.
Love him or hate him, that's your choice. But definitely watch this movie. This maybe the start of a new Bond. And you want to be there at the beginning, don't you ?
- November 17, 2006
- 5 Comments
I'm afraid. The world just got scarier for me. Why ? Let me re-cap what I found out in the last week.
Himesh Reshammiya is out to join all his songs together into a movie, sorry moviEE. And I can feel the fear that has touched most ear drums. My own sensitive nose is crying foul - I have a lovely nasal twang too, so how come I ain't covering my grey hair behind a cap and crooning to the world with Dipannita and Tara crying for me. Sigh ! Perhaps it's not my destiny. And though I sincerely doubt Aap Ka Suroor -the moviEE is gonna threaten the box office , I have seen and heard crazier things so that I will not rule out the dreaded thought - Aap Ka Suroor - The Moviee being India's representative to the Oscars 2007 !!
Is that scary ? Well, not as scary as an episode of Jay Leno I saw last week. Now, I must admit I never watch the guest stars and singers on
The Tonight Show. I watch it purely for Leno's stand up comic act at the start of the show and the weird stuff he finds all over America. But even I was dumbstruck when I saw the stuff that he came across on sale on Ebay. Sample this.
1. Kevin Federline's ( Britney's soon-to-be-ex-hubby ) resume on auction for 99 cents. The catch ? It was a blank sheet of paper !! The whammy ? It was sold after 33 bids for $ 34 !!
2. A piece of toast with NO picture of Lord Jesus on it. Do the math in your head and think of what you're left with. Auction began at 99 cents again. Sold after 34 bids for 35 odd dollars !! A slice of bread. Boy ! Some redneck must be feeling really bright with his framed toast on the wall!!
Is that scary ? Hmmm.. not quite, eh? Well, then. How about this ? This is for us Indians. Can you guess what's the common links between the below places and the dates ?
Juhu Beach, Mumbai 2005
Bangalore, Karnataka 2004
Koyambedu, Chennai 2004
Malshej Ghat, Mumbai 2003
Yamunanagar, Haryana 2003
Kailash, south Delhi 2003
Mohali, Punjab 2002
Bidhan Nagar , Calcutta 2002
Verna, Goa 2002
Deccan, Pune 2002
Ahmedabad, 2001
Believe it or not. These are actual UFO sightings from India ! All over the last 6 years. And they're not the only one. HP, UP, Chattisgarh have all come under the UFO's lens since 2000. Prior to that, Coorg, Punjab, Bihar, Mumbai, New Delhi have all reported UFO sightings. I always thought UFO sightings were restricted predominantly to North and South America. The fact that we too have our share of flying saucer stories and weird eyed funny looking creatures ( not Chandrachur Singh ! I'm talking of the aliens.. Man, are you guys rude or what ?! ) was enlightening. But then, you ask, what's so scary in that ?
Don't you see, Scully ? Isn't it obvious ? The aliens ! They've evolved ! They're showing amazing intelligence. Read the places of the sightings over again.
See what's missing ?Even the aliens know better than to visit the dreaded Kerala !! Not a single sighting from Kerala in over 100 years. Oh boy ! We're in deep shit, I tell you. E.T's got brains!! Unlike the Arab countries which allow us Mallu aliens ( the same Arab countries that close doors to the nuclear powers of the world, mind you ) to invade and take over their industries, these guys know not to mess or have any dealings with THE REAL LITTLE GREEN MEN !!! They are, indeed, light years ahead of us, intelligence wise atleast.
Now that, you have to admit, is scary.
Himesh Reshammiya is out to join all his songs together into a movie, sorry moviEE. And I can feel the fear that has touched most ear drums. My own sensitive nose is crying foul - I have a lovely nasal twang too, so how come I ain't covering my grey hair behind a cap and crooning to the world with Dipannita and Tara crying for me. Sigh ! Perhaps it's not my destiny. And though I sincerely doubt Aap Ka Suroor -the moviEE is gonna threaten the box office , I have seen and heard crazier things so that I will not rule out the dreaded thought - Aap Ka Suroor - The Moviee being India's representative to the Oscars 2007 !!Is that scary ? Well, not as scary as an episode of Jay Leno I saw last week. Now, I must admit I never watch the guest stars and singers on
The Tonight Show. I watch it purely for Leno's stand up comic act at the start of the show and the weird stuff he finds all over America. But even I was dumbstruck when I saw the stuff that he came across on sale on Ebay. Sample this.1. Kevin Federline's ( Britney's soon-to-be-ex-hubby ) resume on auction for 99 cents. The catch ? It was a blank sheet of paper !! The whammy ? It was sold after 33 bids for $ 34 !!
2. A piece of toast with NO picture of Lord Jesus on it. Do the math in your head and think of what you're left with. Auction began at 99 cents again. Sold after 34 bids for 35 odd dollars !! A slice of bread. Boy ! Some redneck must be feeling really bright with his framed toast on the wall!!
Is that scary ? Hmmm.. not quite, eh? Well, then. How about this ? This is for us Indians. Can you guess what's the common links between the below places and the dates ?
Juhu Beach, Mumbai 2005
Bangalore, Karnataka 2004
Koyambedu, Chennai 2004
Malshej Ghat, Mumbai 2003
Yamunanagar, Haryana 2003
Kailash, south Delhi 2003
Mohali, Punjab 2002
Bidhan Nagar , Calcutta 2002
Verna, Goa 2002
Deccan, Pune 2002
Ahmedabad, 2001
Believe it or not. These are actual UFO sightings from India ! All over the last 6 years. And they're not the only one. HP, UP, Chattisgarh have all come under the UFO's lens since 2000. Prior to that, Coorg, Punjab, Bihar, Mumbai, New Delhi have all reported UFO sightings. I always thought UFO sightings were restricted predominantly to North and South America. The fact that we too have our share of flying saucer stories and weird eyed funny looking creatures ( not Chandrachur Singh ! I'm talking of the aliens.. Man, are you guys rude or what ?! ) was enlightening. But then, you ask, what's so scary in that ?Don't you see, Scully ? Isn't it obvious ? The aliens ! They've evolved ! They're showing amazing intelligence. Read the places of the sightings over again.
See what's missing ?Even the aliens know better than to visit the dreaded Kerala !! Not a single sighting from Kerala in over 100 years. Oh boy ! We're in deep shit, I tell you. E.T's got brains!! Unlike the Arab countries which allow us Mallu aliens ( the same Arab countries that close doors to the nuclear powers of the world, mind you ) to invade and take over their industries, these guys know not to mess or have any dealings with THE REAL LITTLE GREEN MEN !!! They are, indeed, light years ahead of us, intelligence wise atleast.
Now that, you have to admit, is scary.
- November 09, 2006
- 6 Comments
scorpions. berlin philharmonic orchestra
-----------------------------
here i am.rock you like a hurricane.
-----------------------------
roshan.REDEMPTION.
-----------------------------
- November 07, 2006
- 1 Comments
"Something Old
Something New
Something Fictional
Something True. "
That's how easy it is to sum up. Those are the movies I ended up watching after returning back to Mangalore. And quite surprisingly, though there is no semblance of a similarity between these 4 films, I enjoyed each one of them very much, for different reasons . And felt , perhaps, a little cheated too.
SOMETHING OLD :
CASABLANCA
This 1942 movie is even today considered one of Hollywood's best romantic movies. Set against the German rampage of World War 2, it tells the story of Rick ( Bogart ) the saloon owner in Casablanca ,in unoccupied France, a place where Europeans come to find an escape route to freedom..America. It is here that Ilsa ( Ingrid Bergman ), the love of his life who abandoned him mysteriously , now comes seeking refuge and an escape route. Why she did it, why the Gestapo have an eye on Rick and Ilsa's partner and whose side Captain Renault is on keeps you engrossed through out. You may have heard so many of the classic quotes of this movie. ( "Play it once, Sam. For old times' sake." "Here's looking at you, kid" "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship")
Something New
Something Fictional
Something True. "
That's how easy it is to sum up. Those are the movies I ended up watching after returning back to Mangalore. And quite surprisingly, though there is no semblance of a similarity between these 4 films, I enjoyed each one of them very much, for different reasons . And felt , perhaps, a little cheated too.
SOMETHING OLD :
CASABLANCAThis 1942 movie is even today considered one of Hollywood's best romantic movies. Set against the German rampage of World War 2, it tells the story of Rick ( Bogart ) the saloon owner in Casablanca ,in unoccupied France, a place where Europeans come to find an escape route to freedom..America. It is here that Ilsa ( Ingrid Bergman ), the love of his life who abandoned him mysteriously , now comes seeking refuge and an escape route. Why she did it, why the Gestapo have an eye on Rick and Ilsa's partner and whose side Captain Renault is on keeps you engrossed through out. You may have heard so many of the classic quotes of this movie. ( "Play it once, Sam. For old times' sake." "Here's looking at you, kid" "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship")
That it was an old romance I expected. That it would bore me I feared. That I would be impressed,well.. that was unexpected. The humour, the subtle comments on life in that era and the change in the characters as the story moves forward to its inevitable conclusion - it truly deserves its title as a classic. This is a sweet romance , perhaps eclipsed by some of today's romances, but still very watchable. Me, I'm still humming "As time goes by" long after Sam stopped playing it.
SOMETHING NEW :
JAAN-E-MANN2 guys and a girl ? How original ! No, wait ! There's Salman ( you mean Saajan ?) , Akshay ( Dil To Paagal Hai ) and Preity in New York ( Kal Ho Na Ho ? ).
You see the reservations I had while going for this movie. Everything in the story line said FLOP. Yet, I guess that's the beauty of cinema. It surprises you. A simple story line of a guy helping another guy to get a girl is not exactly "wow" material. Yet, the presentation takes it to a new level. Right from the opening scene ( literally, out of this world ) to Salman's entrance to the presentation of the character's histories ( that's where I guess I realised this was gonna be different from the usual Bollywood stuff ). There is a lot to laugh about and I felt rather than 'be Bollywood ', the director was poking fun 'at Bollywood' more often than not.
None of the stars are brilliant by any means, though I was shocked to see Salman cry convincingly. Guess there's a first time for everything. Anyway, it's a comedy. Brilliance takes a back seat to comic timing which these 2 veterans possess in abundance anyway.
The usual flaws : Dragging second half ( ok, the second half of the second half ), life styles disproportional to their means..you come to expect that, I guess. But the visual treat ( special congrats to the director here ), the humor- both subtle and loud gags are engaging. Definitely, something to look forward to. Especially if Umrao Jaan tanks, leaving this weekend free with nothing worthwhile to watch in the big screen.
SOMETHING FICTIONAL :
V FOR VENDATTAThe problem with making a comic book ( graphic novel , in this case ) is the expectations. You have to live up to people's visions. And that is no mean feat.
Oppression. Tyrants ruling with an iron fist. Intolerance. Britain. And this is the 'near future', not the 'distant past'. Into this world comes a vigilante in a Guy Fawkes mask calling himself V and blowing up the Parliament, trying to awaken hope in a world where it is scarce. How he frees young Evey Hammond, from the oppression, both without and within herself finally and makes her his unwitting ally is shown quite poetically. Quite. Because, if you ask me, the movie had to be dummed down for an audience to 'get it.' The novel was layers upon layers of intrigue and darker. But I'm pleased at the way it was eventually portrayed from the dark V to Evey and her re-birth to the life style that may yet become our future. The timing of this movie was perfect, given the world we live in now ( remember, the novel was envisioned in the '80s). This is a political movie, have no doubt on that. Don't go in expecting a special effect - charming wit- action extravaganza as the trailors promise you ( mentioning the directors as "the Matrix directors" gave many people a wrong idea, if you ask me) . This is, a movie to reflect upon.
I couldn't help but wonder though - V would never succeed in this day and age, would he ?
SOMETHING TRUE :
CRASHTagline- "You think you know who you are. You have no idea"
There was something about the phrase alone that stood out for me. The story revolves around 6 totally unrelated families, alternating between all their lives showing their racial prejudices and the effects it has in their lives. I was reminded of a symphony as I watched this - the slow build up, the various parts falling into place as the tempo rose, to the car accidents that join these families for just a moment, but in doing so, brings out the truth these people would rather not face.. the truth about who they really are. The moral dilemnas we face,how we justify our actions, what we are and how it can come back to haunt us - this is the crux of the film. I'm not going to point out any one actor here - because this is a movie for actors. The movie lives and dies on their skills and here, not one of them lets the director down. The racial prejudices in each one of us is portrayed here.. it's only a matter of finding out which actor is playing you. And that's scary.
This is no popcorn movie.. more for a lonely night with that frightening person alone for your company - your mind.- November 04, 2006
- 1 Comments
Seek, and ye shall find ! I was facing a case of writer's block for blog posts when I came across a funny awards function. And, I realised my post had just waltzed in by itself. But before, I go into further detail, first let me wash away grains from your memories, because it is my belief, that at some stage, all of you have heard of the original Stella Liebeck, by her claim to fame, if not by name.
Stella Liebeck, aged 79 in 1992, spilled a cup of Mc Donald's coffee on her lap when her grandson stopped the car she was in to allow her to put cream and sugar in her coffee. She went on to sue Mc Donald's for the resulting burns.. and the kicker ? She won! $ 2.9 million dollars in damages, for spilling a cup of coffee over herself.
It is from this, that the STELLA AWARDS arose for the best of frivolous cases. More than a decade old now, these awards are a true show, as far as I see, of how much we have evolved..or devolved.
December 1997: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pa., $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
June 1998: 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pa., was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found in the garage and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of a half million dollars.
January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle, tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little fellow was Ms. Robertson's son.
October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The dog was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard at the time. Mr. Williams was also in the fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet gun.
2002 :
Utah prison inmate Robert Paul Rice, serving 1-15 years on multiple felonies, sued the Utah Department of Corrections claiming the prison was not letting him practice his religion: "Druidic Vampire". Rice claimed that to do that, he must be allowed sexual access to a "vampress". In addition, the prison isn't supplying his specific "vampiric dietary needs" (yes: blood). The suit was thrown out.
Winner 2002 :
sisters Janice Bird, Dayle Bird Edgmon and Kim Bird Moran sued their mother's doctors and a hospital after Janice accompanied her mother, Nita Bird, to a minor medical procedure. When something went wrong, Janice and Dayle witnessed doctors rushing their mother to emergency surgery. Rather than malpractice, their legal fight centered on the "negligent infliction of emotional distress" -- not for causing distress to their mother, but for causing distress to them for having to see the doctors rushing to help their mother. The case was fought all the way to the California Supreme Court, which finally ruled against the women.
#7 in 2005 :
Bob Dougherty. A prankster smeared glue on the toilet seat at the Home Depot store in Louisville, Colo., causing Dougherty to stick to it when he sat down. "This is not Home Depot's fault," he proclaimed, yet the store graciously offered him $2,000 anyway. Dougherty complained the offer is "insulting" and filed suit demanding $3 million.
Winner 2005 :
Christopher Roller of Burnsville, Minn. Roller is mystified by professional magicians, so he sued David Blaine and David Copperfield to demand they reveal their secrets to him -- or else pay him 10 percent of their lifelong earnings, which he figures amounts to $50 million for Copperfield and $2 million for Blaine. The basis for his suit: Roller claims that the magicians defy the laws of physics, and thus must be using "godly powers" -- and since Roller is god (according to him), they're "somehow" stealing that power from him.
Moral of the stories : Keep your eyes open. You're probably a minute away from a million dollars, if only you know where to look. Opportunity isn't a turn away. It's probably in the next coffee you're served. Ask Stella. Oh, and beware of robbers too. Heaven forbid, they get hurt escaping.
- October 31, 2006
- 4 Comments
Comedy comes easily to me. I don't know. Maybe its decades of sitcoms. I've never struggled to make spoofs, plays or just be an ass!! But there are genres I do wish I had the guts to try out - BROKEN ROADS cannot be classified under any such category as it was just a scream..but the one genre I'm almost scared to try because of the risk of falling flat is always Horror.
Which is why when I came across a typical prayer scene in a Malayalam channel, and my mind started thinking up variations , I thought I'd give it a shot.
CHASING AUGUST is that attempt at a new form of story telling...for me atleast. While it appeared to be quite small when I started off,I quickly realised that in all the buildup, this was gonna get really long. Eventually I had to 'cut it down' to 5 chapters. This is as close as you guys get to dog-earing Godyears!
Anyway,Hope you enjoy it. And please post your opinions here only rather than at each chapter..Happy reading. Or perhaps not.
Which is why when I came across a typical prayer scene in a Malayalam channel, and my mind started thinking up variations , I thought I'd give it a shot.
CHASING AUGUST is that attempt at a new form of story telling...for me atleast. While it appeared to be quite small when I started off,I quickly realised that in all the buildup, this was gonna get really long. Eventually I had to 'cut it down' to 5 chapters. This is as close as you guys get to dog-earing Godyears!
Anyway,Hope you enjoy it. And please post your opinions here only rather than at each chapter..Happy reading. Or perhaps not.
- October 23, 2006
- 5 Comments
This is actually an old email joke but while going through my archives, I found it hilarious enough to give it a rebirth here. Starring 2 world favourites - Saddam and the Punjabi !!
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang."
Hallo, Mr. Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said, "This is Gurmukh fromPhagwara, District Kapurthala. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!""Well, Gurmukh," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big isyour army"
"Right now," said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,mycousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbour Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight"Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in myarmy waiting to move on my command."
"Arrey O! Main kya.. " said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!"Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again."Mr. Hussein, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!""And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh" Saddam asked.
Well, we have twocombines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Gurmukh,! ! that I have 16,000 tanks and4,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to1-1/2 million since we last spoke.""Oh teri ....." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough,Gurmukh rang again the next day."Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of
shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four schoolpass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!"Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tellyou, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!""Tera pala hove...." said Gurmuk, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day. "Kiddan, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.""I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart ?"
"Well," said Gurmukh, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of war!"
Rumor has it Saddam was catatonic for a month after that.
- October 21, 2006
- 5 Comments
Hi. The present owner of this blog is missing in action so I guess it's up to me to keep the posts coming. My name's Ruby..I'm a 5'2(cms),Indian babe.Along with deep brown eyes,I have a cute long nose,an amazing blonde mane of hair..oh ya.That's me in the pic.Well, I know how boring it must be listening to the owner ( I call him HE-WHO-HAS-NO-BUSHY-TAIL) rant on and on about everything under the sun. I also know that he keeps mentioning how blessed I am to be in 'his house' cause I'm treated like a Princess. Well, it's time the truth came out.
A dog's life is hard, you know. Sleeping in the master bedroom besides the 'the-NICE-TAILLESS-ONES", I'm always at risk of getting stamped on when they wake up.
There are nights when I don't even get my second blanket and have to make do with just the one.And the food ? There are some days I dont even get mooooo/baaaa meat!! There can't be a shortage..Heck,I see the damn HORNy-ONES walking past the gate daily. I'll drag the damn things in, if thats the problem.Anyway, coming to today..there I was minding my own business when along comes the MAN-NICE-TAILLESS-ONE. Don't get me wrong.He's nice and all, but there are times when a dog needs her own private time, you know.I tried hiding but somehow he found me. I don't get it. I hide in the perfect dark spot still there he is a second later.A magician, really.
Anyway,we sat down to watch Tv.I'm not much of a Tv fan. It's just sound and flickering lights to me.But I wasn't ready to let him have the couch all to himself..sure, I'd be willing to share.He can be very persuasive- especially with that cane in his hand.So there I was,drifting off to zzzland when suddenly it happened.I heard a sound emanating from the kitchen. I turned around..ow ow. neck sprain. No wait. There it was again. I'd heard the fridge door open.Confirmatory test ..sniffffffff! Oh yah!! Sweet smell of Fooood!! Wriggling out of the MAN-NICE-TAILLESS-ONE's paws, I encountered the WOMAN-NICE-TAILLESS-ONE in the kitchen.
Shame on her. She was trying to eat without giving me my share..Duh!Do these TAILLESS ONES really imagine they can get past me?I mean, do you think these noses are meant to be an umbrella holder? We smell 50 times stronger than you!!! Why do you forget the basics! Anyway, I asked her politely..my paw on her right paw. She thinks I'm shaking hands. Actually, I'm just making sure she can't use that paw to put food in her mouth. It's easy to fool humans once you learn the art.She shared her food. They all do,in the end. What can I say..I'm irresistable. Anyway, it was some mooooo/baaaa meatless thing, but I still ate.
As our great Kennel club Communist CHAIRMAN BOW once said - 'Bide your time and meat will come'.Not eactly a clasic, but hey! He died of rabies,Dog bless his soul, so what did you expect? Shakespeare??Anyway, once dinner was over,it was time for PLAN-B. Dessert. Damn. The WOMAN-NICE-TAILLESS-ONE wasn't having any. I tried whining. It's an age old ploy.Sometimes you have to go with the classics.She looked at me..I did the 'your paw on my paw' routine and wagged my tail..that's my sign that I'll be good ( ya right,till the meal ends!!! )
She started doing something on the table. I could hear her ...ummm, maybe mooo meat ? A whole baaa-meat ? 2 ? My imagination ran wild...'Hey!Hey! You want some help up there? You want me to hold it's legs down?"
She didn't answer. That's something funny I noticed too. You expect us to understand when you TAILLESS ones speak..yet when we speak, you hardly ever mind us. What's the deal with that? Just one Dr Doolittle in a populaton full of ya! I tried bringing up the issue with the SPCA & in Kennel Club meetings...
but not one human understands what I'm saying. And it's sad,you know. Because we have the answers to all the questions in the universe ( we're not just a pretty face, no sirreee ) entrusted to us by HE-WHO-RULES-THE-SKIES-AND-MAKES-TREES-WE-PEE-ON. ( It's a long name, but then, which species has a person named THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE??) What do you think we're doing at midnight howling our asses off..revising, of course!!Finally! The sound of something hitting the water tub up there where she cleans dishes. That can mean only one thing..she's finished my dish. I started wagging again at full speed. Wag..wag wag..wag wag wag. It always makes them happy seeing me wag my tail. I hear for humans its the same everywhere- whether its my butt or J Lo's, they love to see it shake..but thats a different story. She put the food in a plate and I sniffed..waita minute!! No! Snifffffff!! No way! I looked at the contents.
Bread, butter, jam?? Are you kidding me? Do I look like a cat!?!Who do you think I am ? HE-WHO-HAS-NO-BUSHY-TAIL!!?! I won't eat this muck. I considered biting her..but naa, I settled for just stopping the tail wag. After all, there'll be meat tomorrow.There'd better be. Or else, she'd find her neatly folded clothes in front of the yard.Again.
I mean, I work day and night as guard dog, roll over, chase bugs and mice and jump hoops..and this is the thanks I get. I'd brought up the issue with my neighbour Brownie and he told me not to feel bad. It seems humans do the same thing. Something about a show called Fear Factor..whatever that is.And so, I headed back to my guard station..That was a few hours ago.Its almost midnight now and I have to be online at 2am. Yes, we do surf the net..and yes, that's what we've been doing when you see us come out of the computer room. Who else did you think ordered the "Best of Lassie" DVDs for $78.95/- only? Just because you guys don't wanna know the right answers to the universal questions (what is life ? where did we come from ? Is there life on other planets ? Why did the chicken cross the road ? How many Buddhist monks does it really take to fix a bulb ? What happened to Mamta Kulkarni ? ) doesn't mean we mustn't spread the answers to others who do.
How do we do it..simple. Make a fake id and login to orkut of course. Then spread the word in different breeds (what you guys call communities ). It seems to work. People actually believe I'm a hot oriental with big ears..which is partly true, I guess. Though they wonder about my likes ( smelly, hairy animals ?), dislikes ( taking a bath ? ) and favourite books ( they all taste the same).
Anyway,till it becomes 2am, I guess I'll stick to my "so called" main duties.. to be the guardian of this mansion, defender against mice, protector of the NICE-TAILLESS-ONES, saviour of the zzzz.....
- October 12, 2006
- 5 Comments
