Be it ever so late, the year-end tabloids are here.It's time to see what happened during the holiday season that merited a raised eyebrow, don't you think ; time to find out what the Mexicans, an Egyptian dog, an American President,a Spanish Euro, a singer's gynaec and your granddad's walking stick did to enter TABLOID DECEMBER.
Bush Balls : Did you hear about Bush and the mental patient ? No, it's not a case of twins. Apparently, a Palestinian mental patient was arrested and put on trial for eXpressing a desire to castrate His Holiness, George Bush. Despite taking into account his mental capacity ( and the fact that he lives, like, 2000 miles away from Bush and has no means of reaching him ), the court nevertheless sentenced him to 7 months in jail. Bush must have raised a toast in Air Force One when he heard how 'justice had prevailed'. Atleast,that is, till his bodyguard tapped him in the back and mentioned a tiny insignificant detail - our mental patient had already spent 8 months in jail waiting for the case to hit the courtroom - he walked out as soon as the trial ended - a free man!!!! Last heard - the CIA and NSA have been put on 24/7 surveillance of a randomly assigned testicle, my sources tell me.

Britney Presents : Oh Britney Britney!! My fav blonde bimbo is just so ...blonde. She started the month scared shitless of whether Fed-EX would release her sex tape. As it turns out, he didn't. So what does Britney go and do ? Celebrate how her dignity and izzat was saved by partying with Paris Hilton and promptly appearing on the tabloid front page drunk, WITH NO UNDERWEAR !! Oh well, Atleast, she chose professional help, what with Paris being the queen of these kind of slips. What, you wanted to make up for the video tape that never was by showing your fans what they missed ?? Her gynaecologist was pretty pleased though, I believe - he didn't have to make his monthly rounds to her place. He gave her the thumbs up over the phone, I hear. Ah!! Modern medicine.

Goodo Inventiono : Breasts aren't spared too. In Japan, those lovely, ever-dignified, ever bowing, ever inventing gentlemen have now invented a new age bra. This bra not only does what it's normally meant to do, but actually has a compartment which, when required, can be expanded to form a shopping bag, thus reducing the need for using plastic bags, thus saving the environment. I don't know about you guys, but I want to shake the hand of the Japanese team behind this invention. I mean, how on Earth do you think of putting shopping bags into bras ? Can you imagine the number of men in Japan waiting at the Wal-Marto with their video mobiles or whatever new age gizmo they have out there, just to get videos of women stuffing their groceries into their bras ?? Sigh. I guess the golden days of Japanese inventions is gone. But hey, atleast they're environment (and men) friendly now.

Robbing Grandpa : Elsewhere, one of the world's oldest ice hockey sticks , reportly carved between 1852-56, was sold at an auction for a meagre 2.2 million dollars. 2.2 million dollars. That's roughly 102 crore rupees, Indian. For an old stick. Get my drift ? Get off your asses, leave the room and go steal Grandpa's walking cane and rocking chair right now. Consider it an investment for your children - it'll probably pay for their college fees 20 years on. If you have any old cuckoo clocks, radios, the keyboard-formerly-known-as-typewriter or maybe those Casio game-and-watches.. dude, retire at 35 years. You're set for life, anyway.

Pension after puberty : Speaking of retirement, swimmer Ian Phelps retired last month. Awww, so sad, so bad..SO WHAT ?? Duh !! He's 25 years old. Since when is 25 years an age to retire ? What're you trying to do - kill me with an inferiority complex !?! As if breaking world records doesn't dent my 'same aged' ego enough, while my life's moment of glory remains winning the coveted Besurdas. ( it's a singing event, ok...the worst singer award ) Besides, what do you do after retiring at the age of 25 ? Knit woolly clothes for the unborn kids from your yet-to-meet wife ?

Madrid Moolah : How is a wad of single euros worth millions ? Simple. Get them from Spain. A study of bank notes taken from various parts of Spain detected the presence of cocaine in no less than 94 % of all bank notes there!!! 94% !! Man ! Cocaine sells on the streets at 60 euros a gram and I guess some of the notes used for snorting came back with quite a bit into the banks.Street dealers must be pissed though - after all, the bank is 'moving in on their turf now.' The amount of cocaine you can pick up from it would come in handy if your granddad isn't parting with his walking cane, me thinks. It's like a savings fund for your coke - pay a lot the first time around, get some coke back with your next cash withdrawal.

DemoCrapcy : Of course, where stupidity awards go, we stand unsurpassed. An Indian weekly did a survey and concluded that the overwhelming majority of Indians ( 3 in every 4) loved Mr Abdul Kalam and would love to have ol' Silver Locks back as President for a second term. I agree, of course. But the same article then came up with a shocker of a disclosure. The Holy Political Trinity ( the pacifist, the aggressor and the red sickles ) all love him too and speak of him in glowing poetic terms... but none of them were ready to vote for him for a second term. And guess whose vote matters when choosing the President ? Theirs, of course. Wow, that is so cool - we elect people to represent us and these people tell us they won't choose the guy we all want because he's too nice. That's the spirit. Out with the good, in with the crap. Why don't we just hand over the country to the border terrorists on a platter ? Atleast then we can fall back on the 'videshi haath' excuse.

El Hombre Stupido : Borders reminded me of a fun story my American Idol ( Jay Leno ) told in his show. Apparently, the alien problem in USA is getting out of hand. I'm talking of the millions of Mexican immigrants crossing the border illegally into USA. So what did USA do ? They chalked out an elaborate plan to make a huge wall separating the South from Mexico. Can you imagine the size of that wall for it to include the breadth of Mexico ? And we're talking a pretty freaking tall wall too, not just barbed wire and guards. Anyway, the twist in the tale is this - the company that got assigned the job of building this wall got pulled up by the federal authorities. Why ? For using Mexican illegal immigrants to construct this wall ! Sheesh !!Can you say "Dumb ass" in Mexican !?!

Crap!!! : And finally an age old mystery was solved in the last week of December that has haunted a nation and been the focus of many textbooks and movies. But first, let me tell you about the incident - A sniffer dog assigned to checking on airports and planes for bombs ended up costing the Egyptian government a hefty packet. Well, the poor pooch kinda performed his 'natural' duties while performing his duties aboard the plane ..yup, he "pooped" while sniffing for bombs ( gives a whole new twist to 'shit scared', doesn't it ? ) Anyway, the pilot and crew refused to let the plane leave till the plane was sanitised , leading to a major clean up and reimbursement to the passengers. The final bill - close to $ 100,000 apparently !! You see, now the Egyptians and historians finally get it - this is why Tutankhamen and Cleopatra preferred cats to dogs!!! Ironic how the plane staff talk about being disgusted though - now they know what we feel when we see the aeroplane food !!!

From
Santa Claus
Ceo
Christmas,
North Pole,
Arctic
ToThe Elves
The floor below me
Toys 'R' "actually" us Inc.
North Pole
Arctic



Sub : Boost in team morale, Clarifications


With regard to earlier memos -
Friends and inferiors,

It has come to my notice that a lot of rumours have been running riot over the last couple of weeks across various faculties here in the North Pole, causing a serious drop in morale. This is very distressing, considering it's our time of glory again. It is thus, with great hope, that I wish to clear the muddy ice here and set the records straight on all the gossip going around.

• Yes, this year, we have decided NOT to handle any more deliveries of stuffed toys , cuddly bears and smiley toys. With the Health Inspectors coming down strongly on us due to the high risk of germ transfer from the fur, all stuffed toys are cancelled from kids wish list. To ensure customer satisfaction, we will be replacing all requests for stuffed cuddly toys with Magnums, .357s and other hand guns along with live ammunition. This is in accordance with our new policy to promote self defence among small kids in the big bad world down below. It has nothing, I repeat, NOTHING to do with our 'alleged' tie-up with the masked Arab jehadis who were in my office with huge crates last week. Remember, the kids safety comes first. Anyone who disagrees may meet me personally in my office where I still keep my Kalishnikov Ak-47.
• Free underwear will INDEED be given away at retail price during the Elves Christmas eve party. This is to recover the huge losses sustained due to the sudden decrease in demand for undies after the blonde singer / mom made it a fashion of not wearing any. Rest assured, she will pay for this. Any Christmas requests for her albums ( if any ) will not be entertained..the above requests are to be replaced with her ex-hubby's Cds ( presently being used as tea coasters in the Mail department. )
• Yes, Rudolph the reindeer will be more politically correct worldwide this year around after concerns of his "inclinations" were raised last year. He will indeed retain his Red Nose in China, Russia and certain areas in Kerala and West Bengal in India. He will however, have a Green Nose in Pakistan, a Saffron nose in India, a lime yellow in Kangaroo land and red-n-blue stripes in the US of A. He will also have a fluorescent thong while in Brazil, keeping in mind the Mardi Gras flavour required in Christmas festivities 'down there'.
• By 'Down there', I was referring to Brazil, not any anatomic region, as my secretary has just pointed out.
• In light of the infamous "Christmas of '05" incident involving a drunk Mrs Santa and an ex- employee of this department ( now boiling eggs for the Easter bunny ), this year while I'm away on Christmas distributing goodies, hope and trust around the world, Mrs Santa WILL be wearing a chastity belt . Kindly refrain from sticking your candy canes where they are not permitted ; no matter what Mrs Claus requests.
• It is imperitive that applicants for filling my place in department stores and schools know the basics about me - for instance, I am not Santa of 'Santa and Banta' fame, not Santa CLAWS, the jungle cat. Neither am I Tim Allen - he just played me in the movies, not vice versa. 'Santa' is also not just Da Vinci's anagram of 'SATAN' as has suggested by Dan Brown in his upcoming novel. The fact that I too wear red is a coincidence .I'm a jolly fat guy, not the devil. Grrrr !!!!
• It would be much appreciated if proper back ground checks were conducted on the people portraying me in department stores atleast this time around. Sex offenders and convicts on death row are NOT to be allowed to portray me this time. Colombian and Cuban Santas with suspicious white powder packets must be kept 'under surveillance' too.
• In predominantly African American regions, it is better not to laugh with a "Ho' ", experience has taught me. ( the cracked ribs have healed fine, incidentally ). Instead, just giggle girlishly. The thugs will leave you in peace then. Or so I hope.

That's it for now. Now stop reading and start packing gifts again, you bearded dwarfs!!!
Yours sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Website : I know if you've been naughty or nice, so you better watch out.blogspot.com
Ph : +97150-2512-BC ( base shifted to Dubai from 2006 because that's where all the franchises are heading )
P.S. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE !!!

Cricket: This is the # 10 batsman Sreesanth, of India, responding to the South African Andre Nel's comment "Man, just don't swing your bat, have a heart to hit the ball", by hitting the very next ball for the maximum six runs and by showing his "heart" in front of Nel's face.....Great to watch as long as your name ain't Nel !!!

Aliens are generally considered to be superior beings to Humans. Other worldy forms, they seem similar to us, yet are so different and easily identifiable when spotted. Reports on their effects following human contact is debatable - some claim that aliens have healed them of their
ailments, while many 'abductees' speak of torture and mind control. Weirdly, many speak of sexual abuse too. Whatever the truth, there is either an air of awe or revulsion when the topic is introduced and everyone who has been around one has claimed to have been changed by the
experience, for better or worse. Now here's the kicker : Replace the word "Aliens" with "Godmen" and read the paragraph again.

Weird, huh ? Not that there is any connection, but it just seemed a funny coincidence.

He's wheelchair bound. She's a diabetic. He makes gold amulets appear from his mouth while holy ash apparates from his hands. She claims to be the reason the tsunami was stopped in its tracks in 2004. They earn billions every month. They are revered by the country's biggest heads. He is no longer welcome in some of the biggest and most powerful nations in the world, following allegations of sexual abuse with children. She has been linked to many murders, including that of her own blood, en route to her path to fame. The court cases, registered, will never reach a courtroom. Because they are God.

The recent case of the Ghaziabad God, arrested after a news channel uncovered incidents of him raping minor orphans in his ashram ( with statements from the children and the workers there ) was made more disgusting by the fact that his devotees mobbed the court to scream their
support for this God, the proof and charges notwithstanding.Even that scion of women's Lib, Renuka Chaudary, did not dare lift a finger against him when beseeched for help because it would involve going up against this Godman. Thank God the NGOs stepped in finally to lend some sense to this drama. Anyway, it led to an interesting debate that weekend on the
news channel regarding Godmen and blind faith.

While the two big guns refrained from making an appearance or giving a recorded statement, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar joined a bunch of Local Gods , including a Pilot Baba ( a pilot who found out he was God : I'm guessing 'air deprivation at a high altitude' ) to lend their knowledge on the
living Gods of today. I was shocked when one spoke candidly of having had sex with devotees, claiming it was during his journey in the road to enlightenment. Wow ! That has got to be the best "get a girl into bed" line yet, I guess. Enlighten me, Baby!!!
Another interesting anecdote came from P.C.Sorkar, the powder faced magician. He spoke of how he visited India's number one Godman incognito ( Incognito ! I'm guessing that means no make up.. i mean, who'd recognise him then !? ). He wanted to watch the miracles up close and personal apparently. His conclusion - a poor fraud. He likened the powder tricks and the gold figurines appearing as cheap parlour tricks which any good magician can do and was extremely disillusioned at the end. This, from a guy, who deals with making objects much larger than ash appear and disappear - from elephants to the Taj Mahal !

Which brings up an interesting question - what if it were Satya Sai Baba or Mata Amritanandamayi making the Taj disappear and reappear ? Would it not be called a sign of DIVINITY then ? Would not their devotees, publications and Tv channels go overboard showing the world how this was proof they were Gods ? Right now, making powdery ash appear is considered a sign of divinity. Right now, turning water into a sweet dish is considered a sign of divinity. Can you imagine what the frenzy would be like if they did a Sorkar ?

Quite significant here is the fact that none of India's premier Godmen are ready to perform these 'miracles' under a controlled scientific environment. The excuses given range from poor wording in the invitations to lack of time. No time in 25 years to show the world proof that what you do daily isn't an illusion. To me, I'm afraid, that sounds suspiciously, like a David Copperfield antic than a Godman who is confident of his/her divinity.

So how do they influence so many people in so many ways ? How do they turn themselves into such a franchise, ranging from cricket fields to schools, colleges, Tv channels and world tours ? Why do people end up weeping so freely in their presence, feeling themselves light hearted and
in a divine presence ? Is it because they are Gods or are there forces beyond what the normal eye observes ? Is it, infact, a dark art or mass hypnosis, rather than a spiritual ladder, as many news reporters & researchers have claimed after their investigations ? That answer sounds hollow to me itself, even as I write it, cause there are too many loose ends.

But I do know that calling them God is a stretch. Is 'Chris Angel' the Devil then, just because he chooses to sell his wares and Rock Cds by appearing spooky ? He too does his version of mind reading, disappearing bunnies and levitation. And yet, we know he ain't God. So why is it
when the holy ash suddenly adorns someones head, they become God ?
I confess I do not know enough despite a lot of research over the last few months, but I know this much - God does not make mistakes. He does not discriminate. He does not walk past ailing children without minding them, just so that he can make gold chains for the American Ambassador sitting a row ahead. He doesn't have sex with devotees. She does not
let people die in the tsunami she should have known was coming, and then claim after throwing a part of her dress into the raging waters, that she quelled a natural disaster.
They do not discriminate against those who prefer to believe in other established religions, then accept these 'others' once they accept them as God. That is a barrier created by man,after all, not God. A person who claims to be God, by logic, isn't. It's as simple as that. Wearing the clothes does not make you God, just as going to the zoo does not make you a penguin ( Quote sound familiar ? Guess. )

An argument which came up when I discussed this with friends was that these Godmen were helping a lot of people with schools, hospitals etc. Wasn't that the main thing, in the end ? I'm sorry, but no, it isn't even close. Because the very foundation is one of falsehood. In the last
decade, the Churches have taken a major beating with so many incidents of sexual abuse of young children by priests all over the world. It shook so many people's faith and required a lot of damage control and soul searching from within the Church. Those were priests, God's messengers who betrayed God for simpler pleasures. Yet, the faith of people was painted a murky hue of disillusionment. When this was the fate because of crimes committed by God's messengers, what about when the so called Gods themselves are proven to be frauds ? How big a crime is that ? Does a kindergarden admission or free pain killers make up for fooling people into trusting you with their most valuable of belongings - their religion, their belief ?

How much longer will this continue ? Oh, long after you and I are gone, rest assured of that: People's need to believe, the need to feel that they are just an arm's distance from God, that God has personally forgiven them for their sins, cash be damned ; that is something no science
can overcome. There isn't really enough proof in the world which could convince a believer that he's wrong : that his God is a living man who is as prone to diseases as you and I. That all my Orkut friends know more languages than these Gods is a moot point as are so many other visible flaws.. because of the Need to Believe.

As for me, well,I'm tired of watching these "made in Taiwan" duplis make a fool out of the public and a mockery of God. I'm tired of the "How dare you" looks and shrieks that accompany dealing with this topic and questioning Living Gods. I dare because I seek answers. Convince me that there is a reasoning behind the "proofs of falsehood", the "lack of scientific evidence in a controlled setting", the "court cases that never reach the court". Till then, gimme a David Blaine endurance episode anyday over these frauds. Atleast, he doesn't claim to be God, even after spending a week in a huge Aquarium or a couple of days frozen in ice. You know, I'd like to see our big 2 Godmen atleast replicate that, for a change. After all, it's not a miracle anymore, is it, now that a human has done it ?

Final thought :
She has been influencing people for over 2 decades. She too earns in billions. She too has her own institutions and magazines. She aims to bring happiness to the people and salvation to the bereaved. When a natural disaster struck her country, she too donated free houses and millions
to those who were left homeless. She too preaches unity and love for one another...so why is Oprah Winfrey not a God ?
Answer : Because she doesn't claim to be one.
Guess who's the smarter nation, after all ?

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged
to find the ways In which you yourself have altered.
- Nelson Mandela (1918 - ),
'A Long Walk to Freedom.'

One year back, my life had a direction. It was filled with joy and a new found happiness. I don't recall how, but I came across a friend's blog. It was the first time I'd seen or heard of such a thing. A blog ? The concept seemed interesting.
The friend in question, Shanid, motivated me to try my hand at it as well. Make a blog? Why not, I decided. I had no idea what I'd write, who'd read it, whether I'd even remember the 'Blog thingy' existed a month later.

Tomorrow, Godyears turns One year old. 78 articles later, amazing as it sounds, my tracker tells me that I've been read across 6 continents. I confess my frivolous ego is pricked to see that the penguins and whales in the Antarctica did not see fit to check my literary cafe out. Wait till the next Free Willy movie or global warming warning comes out..see if I care. But, as always, I digress, for this is not a post to celebrate one year of Godyears.

One year back, my life had a direction. It was filled with joy and a new found happiness. Today, I am at the crossroads. As the worst year of my life comes to an end with my old nemesis - harrowing December, I look back and see that I am finally in the eye of the hurricane. I have suffered pain and betrayal like never before ,been broken down slowly and systematically, watched a lie consume me within and without and faced an ancient evil I never knew existed in today's world. I have had to face the choice of giving up not only everything I believe in, but everyone I ever cared for. I have been forced to finally evolve, forced to be reborn to survive. To shed my mistaken self beliefs about my power of judgement , to face my errors which have threatened to destroy me, to accept pain and regret as my life time partners from here on in in this ballet of life.

I am finally in the eye of the hurricane. I have been witness to some of the most influential, caring and fun friends in my impressionable life getting married over the last 12 months. I have shared in their joy, smiled in their triumphs and prayed for their paths to always be free of tacks. I have felt sorrow as I realised things would never be the same again for us all as we drifted apart - not necessarily from each other as from what we once used to be. Hopefully,the bridges that were built over a transition from child to man will survive these cracks- minor and major. Only time will tell... but I will do my best to influence time in this matter.

I want to thank so many people for what they mean to me, have meant to me and will mean to me in the days to come. I want to thank every friend who stood by me, literally and otherwise. Not over the last year.. but over this phase called life. I want to thank you for the childhood memories of friendship and laughter, love and sorrow that made me who I am today. Who encouraged me to dream big, to over achieve when all I wanted were simpler pleasures and an aisle seat.

I want to thank you for showing me love when I least expected it, for showing me what love is and can do... and in doing so, making me a better man. I want to thank all those of you who did not leave when the smile disappeared and just a shallow corpse remained. Who refused to let me hide in my mind as is my wont while I was breaking down ; who carried me across the darkness to show me that there was a garden beyond the fiery coals. Who made me realise I had made a contribution in their lives for which they were grateful - I am grateful for that. For the many friends that I made online over the last year who, with their wacky ways and charming traits, helped me erase my sorrows and dull the pain so that , today, I can be who I was a year ago. Someone who looked forward to life's surprises. Someone who believed in all that is good. Someone who believes once more in all that is good.

Your friendships have not gone unnoticed. Nor will they be forgotten. For it is not only the elephant's stunning good looks that I have inherited, but their capacity for memories too. I remember. The smallest details of what we have shared together, the sorrows I have caused and been forgiven ( and not ), the laughters we have shared while memories were being created and the battles we have faced together and walked out of, changed.

Today,I am finally in the eye of the hurricane. The calmest place to be in while the storm unleashes it's fury. I would never have reached here if it weren't for you all. I would have tried , as always, to walk the road alone.. and failed miserably this time. To all my angels, who have helped me cross this sea and ensured I don't drown along the way, I have this to say ( you all know who you are ) : Thank you for finding me and bringing me back to myself. I couldn't have done it without you all.

Happy Birthday, Godyears. It's been an eventful ride from where we began last year.. eventful for us both.

Some times, in all the rush, we tend to miss the weird tales that pop up in the newsprint. This, thus, is my tribute - pretty much some of the stuff that I came across in November that I thought deserve a second mention before they disappear into oblivion..

1. DRUNK DRIVING PANEL!! : News channels went wild over the teens drunk & driving who ran over poor road side dwellers. Teens drunk and driving. Three words that should never have to placed in the same sentence. I agree. But I was confused by news channels who promptly brought out their "voice your opinion" shows to talk on it with an ELITE EXPERT PANEL. Huh ? I can understand how Ajay Jadega, Sidhu and Imran Khan qualify as the ELITE EXPERT PANEL for a cricket show. But for drunk and driving ? Who do you have to run over to become President of that Board ? And how do you gain experience ? 8 hour night shifts at the bar followed by the National Highway at 120 mph ? It's true, I guess. There's a committee for everything these days.

“THE DONKEYS WIN !!” : I don’t think anyone has ever prayed so much for donkeys to win as the World did during this year’s US polls for the Houses. I often wonder how they’ve never considered a change of symbol over these decades. The Donkeys !! Really ? What's the catch phrase - "Come on, we are the best donkeys in the world!! Yeaaah !!" Anyway, the arrival of these less trigger happy Democrats may just allow the rest of us homo sapiens inferiorous to breathe in peace now. And while it’s still awhile away, I’m guessing they will be back in the WHITE HOUSE again pretty soon too. My advice ? Give the next guy as many hot interns as he asks for. Anything to keep his mind out of war !! Let the conquests stay in the White House this time. I think , by now, the whole world would unanimously prefer a horny President to a trillion dollar gun toting cowboy. Scary though, isn’t it – The world’s largest super power nation is in the hands of Donkeys. Then again, many say it’s been in the hands of asses for the last 6 years at any rate !!

OOPS ! I DID IT AGAIN ! : Kevin Federline ( twice his name now springs up in the last 3 posts.. how have I stooped so low ? Recap – soon to be ex-Britney Spears ‘wife’, no other significant contributions ) is now running around trying to sell his alleged wedding sex video with Brits to the highest bidder. Really, how low can you stoop ? More importantly, how dumb are these blondes ( Pamela Anderson, Paris and Spears ) that they agree to do the hony tonky with the camera rolling, even after all the previous fiascos that have come out ? Even more importantly, isn’t there any law in USA against peddling porn against the performer’s wishes ? If not, then the most important question – when does it release in India and will it be dubbed in 3 different regional languages for the public’s sake ?
After thought- both parents are fighting for sole custody of their two kids. Hmmm. The new kid is probably 2 months old, but the first child may yet be old enough to understand the phrase - between the devil and the deep sea.

GIMME YOUR RIGHT ARM. : Who has come to India ? Sorry, I mean, Hu has come to India. President Hu. Chinese dude. And even before his arrival, his diplomats raised the topic of having Arunachal Pradesh as their own, no compromises . Hmmm.. and they call themselves diplomats too, mind you. Gee whiz, I’m surprised the defenders of India haven’t started waging war on all the Chinese restaurants. That would have been their usual form of protest at this point of time. ATTACK !! FLEE, EVIL GREAT TASTY FOOD GIVERS !! THE LAND OF THE INSIPID IDLIS WILL NOT BE RUN OVER BY KUNG-POW CHICKEN. Let’s see how it works out – the peacock vs the dragon. Kalam vs Hu. Dude with shiny mane vs dude with shiny head. Interesting though : Pakistan wants Kashmir, China wants Arunachal – that’s our head and right arm over there. I wonder if the Maldives want a piece of us too ?

HOW TO DO IT !! :Recap – Former Sports Star O.J. Simpson allegedly killed his ex- wife and her friend in 1994, but was acquitted of the charges after a widely viewed court room drama in 1995. He was subsequently found “liable for the killings” in a civil case in 1997 and paid nearly 34 million dollars to the victims families. Not many believed him to be innocent then, not many are convinced today either, though he protests his innocence. And then along comes this gem – O. J. Simpson was due to release ( before public outrage took over ) a book this month end titled “If I did it” in which he would describe how “he would have committed the murders if he had done it.” What can you say to this, really ?

AIR POLLUTION TO THE RESCUE : The latest surveys ( I always enjoy the latest survey findings – they’re so insane !! ) show that air pollution is good for health. It seems by forming a layer in the sky, they actually aid the ozone layer by clogging up it’s crevices, thus preventing the harmful Ultraviolet rays from getting at us. All right !! I knew those oil, chemical and car companies were thinking of my well being but nobody believed me ! Fuel efficiency, my ass. Release the smoking tanks . I wanna do my bit for the environment. Prepare to be saved, Earthlings.

THE BALD AND THE UNDYING. : “All new episodes of the Bold and the Beautiful" proclaims Star World. Doesn’t this soap ever end ? Don’t these characters ever die ? Don’t these actors get any other role to play ? Is it a family legacy where the son and daughter also get signed up to star in this soap ? Hasn't it outlasted every Duracell bunny in the world put together by going on and on and on ? Man, this thing was there when I was a kid, it’s still there now, I suspect it will last long after I’m gone. In fact, if aliens ever do come and visit , this is probably the show to give them as a DVD collection for the long ride home. Hey, as long as they don’t drink and drive, right ?

It's a new era. Or is it ? Those Bond fans who preferred Sean Connery will be delighted to hear ( and see ) that the franchise once again moves back into the 'hardened' Bond with fists rather than gadgets talking. Having faced so much criticism over the last year for taking over from Brosnan, Daniel Craig can rest easy now. He is Bond, and a damn good Bond at that.

Casino Royale takes us back to the beginning, as James Bond begins a career as a double 0, and almost immediately screws up earning M's wrath. In trying to make amends, he uncovers a financer of global terrorism, Le Chiffre who following Bond's antics is left with a debt of $ 100 million dollars. His money-back scheme ? A high- stakes poker game at the Casino Royale in Montenegro. Naturally, Bond has others plans to ensure Le Chiffre does not succeed. Aiding him is the vivacious treasurer Vesper Lynd who's there to make sure the new Double 0 isn't gonna bleed Britain's coffers dry with his arrogance.

This movie is so different from any Bond film in recent decades, you almost wonder if you've stepped into the wrong theatre. You have a rugged bruised man rather than a gorgeous hunk, a man in love ( Bond ? in love ? ) rather than the incorrigible flirt we all know , the pace is languid rather than whip lash.. it all feels so alien. Action sequences are perhaps far and few between for old Brosnan fans, but you can't deny the screen presence of Daniel Craig. Eva Green as Vesper Lynd is drop dead gorgeous and a worthy girl for Bond to finally find love. Mads Mikkelsen as Le Chiffre isn't gonna top any chart of Bond villlians, but then, this story is more for Bond than a clear cut villain.
Daniel Craig - isn't that the million dollar question ? Well, I'm a Brosnan 'n' Connery fan myself, but even I will admit he is a brilliant Bond. As a man lost in a new world and just getting into the role of MI6 most famous spy legacy, his acting and screen presence is dynamite just as his tender moments with Eva Green seem heart felt rather than..well, you know.

Love him or hate him, that's your choice. But definitely watch this movie. This maybe the start of a new Bond. And you want to be there at the beginning, don't you ?

I'm afraid. The world just got scarier for me. Why ? Let me re-cap what I found out in the last week.

Himesh Reshammiya is out to join all his songs together into a movie, sorry moviEE. And I can feel the fear that has touched most ear drums. My own sensitive nose is crying foul - I have a lovely nasal twang too, so how come I ain't covering my grey hair behind a cap and crooning to the world with Dipannita and Tara crying for me. Sigh ! Perhaps it's not my destiny. And though I sincerely doubt Aap Ka Suroor -the moviEE is gonna threaten the box office , I have seen and heard crazier things so that I will not rule out the dreaded thought - Aap Ka Suroor - The Moviee being India's representative to the Oscars 2007 !!

Is that scary ? Well, not as scary as an episode of Jay Leno I saw last week. Now, I must admit I never watch the guest stars and singers on The Tonight Show. I watch it purely for Leno's stand up comic act at the start of the show and the weird stuff he finds all over America. But even I was dumbstruck when I saw the stuff that he came across on sale on Ebay. Sample this.
1. Kevin Federline's ( Britney's soon-to-be-ex-hubby ) resume on auction for 99 cents. The catch ? It was a blank sheet of paper !! The whammy ? It was sold after 33 bids for $ 34 !!
2. A piece of toast with NO picture of Lord Jesus on it. Do the math in your head and think of what you're left with. Auction began at 99 cents again. Sold after 34 bids for 35 odd dollars !! A slice of bread. Boy ! Some redneck must be feeling really bright with his framed toast on the wall!!

Is that scary ? Hmmm.. not quite, eh? Well, then. How about this ? This is for us Indians. Can you guess what's the common links between the below places and the dates ?
Juhu Beach, Mumbai 2005
Bangalore, Karnataka 2004
Koyambedu, Chennai 2004
Malshej Ghat, Mumbai 2003
Yamunanagar, Haryana 2003
Kailash, south Delhi 2003
Mohali, Punjab 2002
Bidhan Nagar , Calcutta 2002
Verna, Goa 2002
Deccan, Pune 2002
Ahmedabad, 2001

Believe it or not. These are actual UFO sightings from India ! All over the last 6 years. And they're not the only one. HP, UP, Chattisgarh have all come under the UFO's lens since 2000. Prior to that, Coorg, Punjab, Bihar, Mumbai, New Delhi have all reported UFO sightings. I always thought UFO sightings were restricted predominantly to North and South America. The fact that we too have our share of flying saucer stories and weird eyed funny looking creatures ( not Chandrachur Singh ! I'm talking of the aliens.. Man, are you guys rude or what ?! ) was enlightening. But then, you ask, what's so scary in that ?
Don't you see, Scully ? Isn't it obvious ? The aliens ! They've evolved ! They're showing amazing intelligence. Read the places of the sightings over again.
See what's missing ?Even the aliens know better than to visit the dreaded Kerala !! Not a single sighting from Kerala in over 100 years. Oh boy ! We're in deep shit, I tell you. E.T's got brains!! Unlike the Arab countries which allow us Mallu aliens ( the same Arab countries that close doors to the nuclear powers of the world, mind you ) to invade and take over their industries, these guys know not to mess or have any dealings with THE REAL LITTLE GREEN MEN !!! They are, indeed, light years ahead of us, intelligence wise atleast.

Now that, you have to admit, is scary.

This is no popcorn movie.. more for a lonely night with that frightening person alone for your company - your mind.

Seek, and ye shall find ! I was facing a case of writer's block for blog posts when I came across a funny awards function. And, I realised my post had just waltzed in by itself. But before, I go into further detail, first let me wash away grains from your memories, because it is my belief, that at some stage, all of you have heard of the original Stella Liebeck, by her claim to fame, if not by name.

Stella Liebeck, aged 79 in 1992, spilled a cup of Mc Donald's coffee on her lap when her grandson stopped the car she was in to allow her to put cream and sugar in her coffee. She went on to sue Mc Donald's for the resulting burns.. and the kicker ? She won! $ 2.9 million dollars in damages, for spilling a cup of coffee over herself.
It is from this, that the STELLA AWARDS arose for the best of frivolous cases. More than a decade old now, these awards are a true show, as far as I see, of how much we have evolved..or devolved.

December 1997: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pa., $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

June 1998: 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pa., was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found in the garage and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of a half million dollars.

January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle, tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little fellow was Ms. Robertson's son.
October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The dog was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard at the time. Mr. Williams was also in the fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet gun.
2002 :
Utah prison inmate Robert Paul Rice, serving 1-15 years on multiple felonies, sued the Utah Department of Corrections claiming the prison was not letting him practice his religion: "Druidic Vampire". Rice claimed that to do that, he must be allowed sexual access to a "vampress". In addition, the prison isn't supplying his specific "vampiric dietary needs" (yes: blood). The suit was thrown out.

Winner 2002 :
sisters Janice Bird, Dayle Bird Edgmon and Kim Bird Moran sued their mother's doctors and a hospital after Janice accompanied her mother, Nita Bird, to a minor medical procedure. When something went wrong, Janice and Dayle witnessed doctors rushing their mother to emergency surgery. Rather than malpractice, their legal fight centered on the "negligent infliction of emotional distress" -- not for causing distress to their mother, but for causing distress to them for having to see the doctors rushing to help their mother. The case was fought all the way to the California Supreme Court, which finally ruled against the women.

#7 in 2005 :
Bob Dougherty. A prankster smeared glue on the toilet seat at the Home Depot store in Louisville, Colo., causing Dougherty to stick to it when he sat down. "This is not Home Depot's fault," he proclaimed, yet the store graciously offered him $2,000 anyway. Dougherty complained the offer is "insulting" and filed suit demanding $3 million.

Winner 2005 :
Christopher Roller of Burnsville, Minn. Roller is mystified by professional magicians, so he sued David Blaine and David Copperfield to demand they reveal their secrets to him -- or else pay him 10 percent of their lifelong earnings, which he figures amounts to $50 million for Copperfield and $2 million for Blaine. The basis for his suit: Roller claims that the magicians defy the laws of physics, and thus must be using "godly powers" -- and since Roller is god (according to him), they're "somehow" stealing that power from him.


Moral of the stories : Keep your eyes open. You're probably a minute away from a million dollars, if only you know where to look. Opportunity isn't a turn away. It's probably in the next coffee you're served. Ask Stella. Oh, and beware of robbers too. Heaven forbid, they get hurt escaping.

Comedy comes easily to me. I don't know. Maybe its decades of sitcoms. I've never struggled to make spoofs, plays or just be an ass!! But there are genres I do wish I had the guts to try out - BROKEN ROADS cannot be classified under any such category as it was just a scream..but the one genre I'm almost scared to try because of the risk of falling flat is always Horror.
Which is why when I came across a typical prayer scene in a Malayalam channel, and my mind started thinking up variations , I thought I'd give it a shot.
CHASING AUGUST is that attempt at a new form of story telling...for me atleast. While it appeared to be quite small when I started off,I quickly realised that in all the buildup, this was gonna get really long. Eventually I had to 'cut it down' to 5 chapters. This is as close as you guys get to dog-earing Godyears!
Anyway,Hope you enjoy it. And please post your opinions here only rather than at each chapter..Happy reading. Or perhaps not.

Chasing August - Chapter 4

This is actually an old email joke but while going through my archives, I found it hilarious enough to give it a rebirth here. Starring 2 world favourites - Saddam and the Punjabi !!

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang."
Hallo, Mr. Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said, "This is Gurmukh fromPhagwara, District Kapurthala. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!""Well, Gurmukh," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big isyour army"
"Right now," said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,mycousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbour Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight"Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in myarmy waiting to move on my command."
"Arrey O! Main kya.. " said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!"Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again."Mr. Hussein, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!""And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh" Saddam asked.
Well, we have twocombines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Gurmukh,! ! that I have 16,000 tanks and4,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to1-1/2 million since we last spoke.""Oh teri ....." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough,Gurmukh rang again the next day."Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of
shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four schoolpass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!"Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tellyou, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!""Tera pala hove...." said Gurmuk, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day. "Kiddan, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.""I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart ?"
"Well," said Gurmukh, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of war!"
Rumor has it Saddam was catatonic for a month after that.

Hi. The present owner of this blog is missing in action so I guess it's up to me to keep the posts coming. My name's Ruby..I'm a 5'2(cms),Indian babe.Along with deep brown eyes,I have a cute long nose,an amazing blonde mane of hair..oh ya.That's me in the pic.
Well, I know how boring it must be listening to the owner ( I call him HE-WHO-HAS-NO-BUSHY-TAIL) rant on and on about everything under the sun. I also know that he keeps mentioning how blessed I am to be in 'his house' cause I'm treated like a Princess. Well, it's time the truth came out.

A dog's life is hard, you know. Sleeping in the master bedroom besides the 'the-NICE-TAILLESS-ONES", I'm always at risk of getting stamped on when they wake up. There are nights when I don't even get my second blanket and have to make do with just the one.And the food ? There are some days I dont even get mooooo/baaaa meat!! There can't be a shortage..Heck,I see the damn HORNy-ONES walking past the gate daily. I'll drag the damn things in, if thats the problem.
Anyway, coming to today..there I was minding my own business when along comes the MAN-NICE-TAILLESS-ONE. Don't get me wrong.He's nice and all, but there are times when a dog needs her own private time, you know.I tried hiding but somehow he found me. I don't get it. I hide in the perfect dark spot still there he is a second later.A magician, really.

Anyway,we sat down to watch Tv.I'm not much of a Tv fan. It's just sound and flickering lights to me.But I wasn't ready to let him have the couch all to himself..sure, I'd be willing to share.He can be very persuasive- especially with that cane in his hand.So there I was,drifting off to zzzland when suddenly it happened.I heard a sound emanating from the kitchen. I turned around..ow ow. neck sprain. No wait. There it was again. I'd heard the fridge door open.
Confirmatory test ..sniffffffff! Oh yah!! Sweet smell of Fooood!! Wriggling out of the MAN-NICE-TAILLESS-ONE's paws, I encountered the WOMAN-NICE-TAILLESS-ONE in the kitchen.Shame on her. She was trying to eat without giving me my share..Duh!Do these TAILLESS ONES really imagine they can get past me?I mean, do you think these noses are meant to be an umbrella holder? We smell 50 times stronger than you!!! Why do you forget the basics! Anyway, I asked her politely..my paw on her right paw. She thinks I'm shaking hands. Actually, I'm just making sure she can't use that paw to put food in her mouth. It's easy to fool humans once you learn the art.

She shared her food. They all do,in the end. What can I say..I'm irresistable. Anyway, it was some mooooo/baaaa meatless thing, but I still ate. As our great Kennel club Communist CHAIRMAN BOW once said - 'Bide your time and meat will come'.Not eactly a clasic, but hey! He died of rabies,Dog bless his soul, so what did you expect? Shakespeare??

Anyway, once dinner was over,it was time for PLAN-B. Dessert. Damn. The WOMAN-NICE-TAILLESS-ONE wasn't having any. I tried whining. It's an age old ploy.Sometimes you have to go with the classics.She looked at me..I did the 'your paw on my paw' routine and wagged my tail..that's my sign that I'll be good ( ya right,till the meal ends!!! )

She started doing something on the table. I could hear her ...ummm, maybe mooo meat ? A whole baaa-meat ? 2 ? My imagination ran wild...'Hey!Hey! You want some help up there? You want me to hold it's legs down?"

She didn't answer. That's something funny I noticed too. You expect us to understand when you TAILLESS ones speak..yet when we speak, you hardly ever mind us. What's the deal with that? Just one Dr Doolittle in a populaton full of ya! I tried bringing up the issue with the SPCA & in Kennel Club meetings...but not one human understands what I'm saying. And it's sad,you know. Because we have the answers to all the questions in the universe ( we're not just a pretty face, no sirreee ) entrusted to us by HE-WHO-RULES-THE-SKIES-AND-MAKES-TREES-WE-PEE-ON. ( It's a long name, but then, which species has a person named THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE??) What do you think we're doing at midnight howling our asses off..revising, of course!!

Finally! The sound of something hitting the water tub up there where she cleans dishes. That can mean only one thing..she's finished my dish. I started wagging again at full speed. Wag..wag wag..wag wag wag. It always makes them happy seeing me wag my tail. I hear for humans its the same everywhere- whether its my butt or J Lo's, they love to see it shake..but thats a different story. She put the food in a plate and I sniffed..waita minute!! No! Snifffffff!! No way! I looked at the contents.

Bread, butter, jam?? Are you kidding me? Do I look like a cat!?!Who do you think I am ? HE-WHO-HAS-NO-BUSHY-TAIL!!?! I won't eat this muck. I considered biting her..but naa, I settled for just stopping the tail wag. After all, there'll be meat tomorrow.There'd better be. Or else, she'd find her neatly folded clothes in front of the yard.Again. I mean, I work day and night as guard dog, roll over, chase bugs and mice and jump hoops..and this is the thanks I get. I'd brought up the issue with my neighbour Brownie and he told me not to feel bad. It seems humans do the same thing. Something about a show called Fear Factor..whatever that is.




And so, I headed back to my guard station..That was a few hours ago.Its almost midnight now and I have to be online at 2am. Yes, we do surf the net..and yes, that's what we've been doing when you see us come out of the computer room. Who else did you think ordered the "Best of Lassie" DVDs for $78.95/- only? Just because you guys don't wanna know the right answers to the universal questions (what is life ? where did we come from ? Is there life on other planets ? Why did the chicken cross the road ? How many Buddhist monks does it really take to fix a bulb ? What happened to Mamta Kulkarni ? ) doesn't mean we mustn't spread the answers to others who do.

How do we do it..simple. Make a fake id and login to orkut of course. Then spread the word in different breeds (what you guys call communities ). It seems to work. People actually believe I'm a hot oriental with big ears..which is partly true, I guess. Though they wonder about my likes ( smelly, hairy animals ?), dislikes ( taking a bath ? ) and favourite books ( they all taste the same).



Anyway,till it becomes 2am, I guess I'll stick to my "so called" main duties.. to be the guardian of this mansion, defender against mice, protector of the NICE-TAILLESS-ONES, saviour of the zzzz.....